For those of you who know me, you understand that I am sometimes reactive. You have experienced my extreme moods and know when I have reached THAT place where I go off ... OFF meaning that I am transported into a tunnel where all I see is the rage I feel. I lose sight that the world is complex and full of billions of different interpretations and meanings and the only thing I see is how truly wrong the person is who dared to piss me off. I feel this immediate need to correct them and to let them know how unbelievably stupid they are. I feel like it is vital that they also know that they don't deserve to breath the same air as I do and that their very existence is a cosmic joke on me. It's ugly. Very, very, ugly.
I've dealt with these feelings for quite a few years. I have been better or worse depending upon how regular my cycles are and how healthy I'm feeling. I have been close to normal several times in my life, only to get bumped by something stupid, like antibiotics or some other medication or severe stress. I feel like I'm ALMOST there and then ... I fall into a hole again. It sucks! Big time.
PMS is a horrible thing to experience. People laugh about it. Women console each other and so do men. They have support groups on the internet for both men and women. One site for men is called, "trackyourbitch.com". I suggested it for Jeremy, thinking he would find some humor in the situation, but quite honestly, the concept of PMS doesn't make me laugh. I find it disturbing and humiliating and shameful. There is nothing funny about feeling THIS bad. To understand just how awful it is, here is a list of how I feel right now.
- My head feels full of pressure and I'm slow to think.
- My boobs feel like I've had breast implants. They are hard and sore and they hurt when I move.
- My lower back aches and I have pinchy pains in my uterus and ovaries.
- My feet are swollen and they feel like I have rocks in the bottoms of them.
- I'm craving strange foods, but nothing satisfies me.
- I'm retaining water and I feel bloated.
- I have insomnia and restless legs at night. I'm hot then cold then hot then cold. I'm uncomfortable and when I do sleep, I have nightmares about little mice who've had their back and hind legs flattened, but don't die and then I have to put them out of their misery, but they don't make it easy.
- I feel paranoid and distrustful.
- I have a hair trigger response to anger.
- I'm depressed and hopeless.
- I have ugly, painful acne.
- I cry in frustration over the slightest hiccup in the day.
- I feel extreme rage towards my fellow co-workers when they are stupid. (Normally, I'm moderately understanding about co-worker stupidity, but PMS makes me totally intolerant.)
- Everyone around me irritates me, but I try my best to hold it in and not tell them.
I've experimented with hormone replacement over the years. I've used bioidenticals, which are a bitch, because your body changes every day and it's hard to standardize the dose. I've attempted birth control twice in my life. The first time I was so sick. The second time I was sick and paranoid that I had a blood clot in my leg. If I know a medication CAN cause a blood clot, I'll feel one and then freak out about it. Ick! I've tried Prozac and though they say it takes several weeks to kick in, they lie. I felt it a few days after and it made me SO depressed I couldn't function. I had fully expected it to cure me. I've tried diet modification. I've gone without sugar for over a year. I've tried cleanses, herbs, vitamins, acupuncture, yoga, etc.. I think that all of these things have merit and can work for me, but something always seems to happen and I get bumped. The most success I've had so far has been with kombucha tea. It seems to have helped regulate my cycle, but I stopped drinking it daily. I got screwed up with another medication and now I'm starting over.
My current prescription for moderating my PMS is exercise, calcium/mag, fish oil, B vitamin complex, kombucha tea and keeping my stress down. It's hard though, because PMS just amps me up and stress overwhelms me. I find it defeating that it requires such an effort to stay balanced. I feel like a ticking time bomb and like I have to watch myself every second of the day and keep on schedule or I'll take a nose dive.
I hate what PMS does to my relationship, because Jeremy can't do anything right. I want him to read my mind and to just FIX this horrible feeling. I go from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. I hate this about myself. My feelings seem very real and legitimate. Most of them are, but the feelings are so over-amplified that any legitimacy they have is lost. I feel like 3 to 5 days of the month, I'm nearly insane. I have another 5 to 6 where I'm just irritable. That's nearly 10 days a month that I'm not very fun to be around, which has got to suck for the people who have to endure me. I'm sorry to all of you. I wish I had a magic solution.
What bothers me more than anything is knowing that my PMS is discussed while I'm not there to defend myself. I know that the people close to me need an outlet, because it's difficult to deal with me, but I feel like it becomes a scapegoat for EVERYTHING. Real issues get lost, because I overreacted about stupid crap like not being cuddled the "right" way. Unhappy events are portrayed as if it was all about me and my PMS. When I hear a story come back to me and I know it's totally ass backwards and exaggerated and these are MY friends he's talking to, I have to wonder what his friends hear. That sucks! I'm sure his friends don't hear about his bad moods, over-reactive behavior, etc.. They hear about mine, because PMS is something everyone can relate to (exploit). Just my take, but then again... I'm mid-PMS as I speak.
So, here's the deal... I know I have PMS. I know when I'm under its influence. I know it sucks for the people in my life. I also know it's NOT the only reason I get angry. I do experience justifiable anger and frustration. I do experience being on the opposite side of less than perfect behavior on the part of someone else and I think I have a right to express my irritation about it. I'm coming out about my PMS, but I do NOT want to be branded as irrational. Can anyone else understand this dilemma? I'm coming clean, but I want there to be a fair understanding about it. I'm also open to anyone's suggestions if they have any.
The End
5 comments:
Wow, I had no idea that you have to deal with this level of PMS. I wish I had a good solution for you. I get irritable and cranky and emotional, but it seems to last only a couple of days. I have tried to regulate my hormones with birth control and I have been on and of it for years, the first one mad me feel crazy. I think it is really brave of you to come out and admit what it is and how you really feel about. Obviously you have many close friends and family love you know matter what you act like. I wish there was a cure, if I find anything that I think will help you, I will send it to you ASAP. Love you Teresa.
Wow, I finally found someone that gets it! You just decribed me!!!! I have struggled with PMS my whole adolescent and adult life. I used to think that I was a wimp, that ALL women experienced PMS like I did and "How come they aren't freaking out like I do?" I just need to get tough and deal with it like all women, it's natural, right? I realize now, through many doctors, that I have severe PMS. I have tried all of the same things you have and really can't tell you what works. I am still looking, I haven't tried the fish oil, but I going to go tomorrow to get some now. I have app. 12 days where I am a total b*@#! I feel like I'm going to completely explode at any given second. When I do lose it, I have a hard time stopping. I yell, and yell. I am tired of being a mean mom and wife. My little ones don't deserve it! After i explode, I have fits of crying and say, "Can I not control my temper? I am usually pretty easy-going normally, but when you think that 12 out of about 30 days I am a complete opposite, that's not very good odds!
We will have to talk soon, I am so sorry that you through this, it is HELL!
I wish I had an answer. I love you no matter how scowly and irritable you are. But I do wish you could find a solution, because I want you to be happy, and to have successful relationships. Ugh. Just get a hystorecomy. Would that fix it?
Thanks Allison! You are sweet and kind. I do have great friends and family who put up with me.
Ms. Nicole! We do need to talk. I think we should join forces. I just wanted to tell you one thing before you go out an buy fish oil. You may already know this, but make sure you buy a very high quality brand and make sure you do your own home test to check for rancidity. Fish oils are fragile and can go rancid quickly. They should be stored in the fridge and if you get the pills, which are easy to take, cut a pill or two and smell it. It should smell like fish, but not rancid. If it doesn't smell fresh, toss it. Rancid oils will hurt you more than they help. I'm a little obsessive about oils. It drives Jeremy nutty, but I have good information on my side. Not all oils are created equal. Wild Oats or Good Earth can usually steer you in the right direction. Anyway.. that's enough of a rant. Send me an e-mail and give me your phone number. We need to talk. :)
rivendale17@gmail.com
To Meesh: I love you too. Thanks for being you.
Teresa, I am going to have Stanford read this because I feel like I become a whole new person when I am PMSing and can't control myself or my angery/irritability...I try to explain that I am PMSing but he just doesn't get the severity of it. I do remember I wasn't as bad with it when I was running so this was a good reminder that eating healthy and exercise can help me. Thanks for posting this as painful/shameful/hard as it is.
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