Tuesday, February 25, 2014
When Love Isn't Enough
Well, we didn't make it. Almost six years of working at it, but love just wasn't enough.
It's pretty sad. Breakups really suck and this was a good one. We both said goodbye with an amazing amount of love in our hearts. We both want for the other person to be happy and fulfilled in ways that we couldn't be with each other. My ego still wants to have succeeded. I wanted to have been both happy and to have made him happy. It's a tricky business though.
What I've learned is that relationships are incredibly challenging. I think I will know myself so much better going forward and will be better able to consider what I want and need in order to co-exist with another person. I know that I will never try as hard as I did in my last relationship. I wore myself out trying so hard. It shouldn't be that hard and the sacrifices you make for the relationship shouldn't leave you unfulfilled and depleted. You also shouldn't start out a relationship feeling broken and you certainly shouldn't begin a relationship without a strong foundation of trust. I was, as always, overly ambitious.
I disappeared for a few years and I lost myself. You don't realize how much of yourself you give up until you step away and notice the missing pieces. It has been six months since I moved myself out. I was at rock bottom physically. I had no other choice but to hobble away and check myself into a 24/7 care facility otherwise known as "mom's house". I literally had nothing left to give, not even to myself. I have mended a bit in those six months. I've gotten a little stronger and a lot more self centered. I say that with extreme pride, because being self centered is not easy for me. I am doing my best to practice vital self care and it has been paying off. I'm starting to find some of the "me" that I haven't seen in a long time.
The relationship wasn't all bad. We clearly liked each other a lot. He was fun and could be sweet and incredibly kind. I loved him very, very much. The six months ago part of the breakup was heart wrenching and it hurt, like... SO a lot. When I left, I was too depleted to even consider sorting my things and moving so I only took the bare necessities. Six months later seemed like a good time to take the next step. Last weekend I moved the rest of my stuff out of his place. I thought I was doing ok, but it hurts a lot too. It has taken me by surprise. It's so permanent. My unrealistic hope has nothing left to feed it and so I'm looking at the reality that it really is over. Going through our stuff was so sad. So many wonderful memories and there we were trying to decide who gets to keep them. And then what? Do you throw them out completely when you find someone else? Do you just throw away the entire box of memories to start over again? Ugh!
I can't wallow forever and I don't want to, but I'm so disappointed. I will eventually put on my big girl pants, suck it up and walk towards the rest of my life. Eventually.