Teresa's Mind Spring

I Still Believe in Love

2011-08-15T17:57:00.000-06:00

I still like to hold his hand in a parking lot. I still like it when he kisses me goodbye in the morning while I'm half asleep. I still like it when I hear the door open and he has come home from work. I still love to see him smile and crack stupid jokes. He is my favorite person to tell my secrets to. I love that in a movie, he's always worried about the dog. I still like seeing his bum.

I don't want any of this to change and I hope it never will. I hope that all the things I love about him will continue to grow, because I believe in our ability to grow as people. I believe in his ability to grow as a person and with that, I will love and admire him even more. I hope he can say the same about me and I hope that we grow up to be the kind of people who learn to focus on the best in each other.

This thought was inspired by a conversation I had today with a group of cynics. While I know where the cynicism comes from, it still creeps in and scares me a little. I want to run to the window and yell out "I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE!", which is essentially what I'm doing in this post. I don't want to give up thinking that two people can grow old together and be happier for it. That life can be good and will hold value for both people for having been open and understanding and that a relationship can still be exciting 15 years later.

If you asked me my opinion on relationships three years ago, it would have been so very different than it is today. I was more cynical and less optimistic back then. Having overcome a few hurdles, I feel more hopeful and I want to hold on to that. I believe in monogamy, commitment, loyalty and most of all, Forgiveness.

To my cynics: I love you and have learned a lot from you. I still look to you for advice and I know your life experiences have taught you things I have yet to learn. I think we should revisit this post in ten years and re-evaluate our positions. Maybe we will all have a good laugh. :)

A Game of Tag

2011-03-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by My Sister-in-Law

1. Four Places I Go-

* PetCo. It always seems like somebody needs something. Indy LOVES going with.

* Whole Foods. Tuesday 15% off day has helped me to limit my spending to only that day. (Mostly)

* Work. Not that exciting, but part of every week day. Blah!

* Jeremy. An almost nightly ritual. I sneak up on him and snuggle for a few minutes.

2. Four Of My Favorite Smells-

* Lavender. It's just serene.

* Coconut Oil. It makes me hungry for some reason. I love wearing it as lotion and feeling yummy.

* Jeremy's Armpits. He smells like home.

* Jason's Jojoba Conditioner. Don't know how to describe it, but it's good!

3. Four Favorite Shows/Movies-

* Friday Night Lights

* Rules of Engagement

* The Good Wife

* Top Gear (British Version)

4. Four Recomendations-

* Love and enjoy quiet moments alone.

* Never let anger have any room in your relationship. It leaves more room for Love.

* Meditate daily. It never seems fun, but it will change your life. It will TRULY change your life.

* Take care of your body. Feed it well. Treat it with respect.

And there you have it. :)

I tag anyone else who wants to play.

Forgiveness and Letting Go

2010-10-19T11:49:00.000-06:00

I have been harboring some pretty angry feelings towards someone and I'm having a really hard time figuring out exactly how to move beyond them. I don't speak to this person and she is not a part of my daily life, but she has greatly impacted my life by her behavior. I don't know how many times I have rehearsed what I'd like to say to her. I know in the end, it wouldn't actually make me feel better. I feel like she is painfully weak to begin with and so telling her just how messed up she is would only make it worse.

I feel stuck. I understand that some of my feelings are part of my own personal damage. I have some serious sore spots and as a result, I expect more distance from the parts that still sting. I want total distance. I want to bury it a thousand feet down. I'd be totally happy if she just magically disappeared from the earth.

I don't think this person knows how I feel nor do I think she cares. This is a big reason why I feel like I need to tell her. But... I won't. Instead, I'll search my soul to find a way to let it all go and accept that people are flawed and broken in their own ways and cannot help themselves. I'm a little worn out by the whole forgiving people thing. I've had my fill for a few decades.

Until the magic day when I can breath that peaceful feeling of forgiveness, I will probably continue to use lots and lots of four letter words to replace her name. !*@&$(& #*&^ !!!!!!!!

A Post About Boredom

2010-10-12T13:50:00.000-06:00

It's only Tuesday and I've finished all my job stuff STUFF. This is going to be a long and slow week ahead. I suppose my desk needs to be cleaned and perhaps I can organize things, but I'm so not looking forward to the feeling of nothing ahead of me. Why is it that if you have one or two things you need to do, but don't do, that you feel just fine about doing nothing? It doesn't work the other way around. When you have nothing to do, it seems agonizing.

I think I can make myself feel better by writing a gratitude list.

Crap! All I want to come up with right now is an irritation list.

What I Come Home To Everyday

2010-09-17T17:44:00.005-06:00

This is the sweet face I see every time I walk in the door. Doesn't it just warm your heart?

The AFTER...

2010-09-17T17:24:00.007-06:00

From months ago when you saw us ripping up the lawn... Here is the house AFTER the improvements. Sadly, half of my flowers have died but I hope they will make a comeback next year since they are Perennials. :) Jeremy did most of this himself. I offered moral support.

An Update

2010-09-17T10:36:00.005-06:00

I haven't had the time, space (ok, mostly desire) to blog the last year. I have been thinking that I need write an update to my PMS blog, because things have improved quite a bit.

8 months ago, I was a wreck. I felt awful more often than I felt good. I was semi-psychotic and feeling crazy really drives your self esteem into the ground.

I started seeing a hormone specialist in December of last year. We tested my hormones and found as I knew we would, that I was deficient in estrogen, progesterone, DHEA, Testosterone and Cortisol. My body was basically on strike. I don't know what the underlying cause is, but I know I've suffered for a long time. Perhaps it is caused by stress or maybe I'm just stressed because I don't produce enough hormones. Or... could be a little bit of both.

The doctor first put me on bioidentical Progesterone and DHEA. She figured doing this would boost my estrogen and testosterone. By the third month, I wasn't feeling all that much better and my hot flashes were getting worse. She tested me again and found my estrogen and testosterone had both gotten even lower. This time she put me on a bioidentical estrogen patch, called Vivelle-dot. The patch is replaced every 3 and 1/2 days. During the first month I would feel great the first two days and then go back to feeling horrible the last day and a half. My body hadn't stored up enough estrogen reserves and so I was having withdrawal symptoms as the patch strength declined. The second month, I felt absolutely amazing. I felt what it was to be normal for the first time in years. Things that usually bothered me, didn't. I felt positive almost all the time. I had amazing patience, etc. By the third month on Estrogen, I started having strange periods and I still am, which kinda freaks me out. One month I have a mostly normal cycle of about 30 -33 days, but every other month, I'll have a short cycle of about 19 - 22 days. I feel ok, but my body is confused. We tested a few weeks ago and I'll get the results back soon. I suspect either my progesterone has increased and I may not need to supplement anymore or that my estrogen is now too high. We will look over results and then adjust accordingly and hope that it will iron itself out. Hormones change every day so this will be something that has to be watched and adjusted from time to time. Ugh!

The down side of all of this is the cost. I've spent about $2k out of pocket since I started. Insurance doesn't cover my doctor, doesn't cover my prescriptions or my tests. It has been frustrating to say the least.

I don't regret going this route, because at least I found out a piece of the puzzle and that it wasn't all in my head. My game plan going forward is to REST and then rest some more. I think my body needs time to repair itself. Running it like I was while it was essentially on empty didn't do me any favors. I am eating more fruits and vegetables and less sugar and it really seems to make a difference in how I feel. You are what you eat. I find that I like being a strawberry.

I know a lot of women deal with PMS and fatigue. I think most of the doctors out there will just tell you that you are fine and to deal with it. I think that feeling less than good is truly NOT how we should feel. It isn't normal and I don't think a person should have to suffer through it. I'm still searching for a way to keep myself in check. I'd ultimately like to find out what is causing this and fix that. Until then, I'm keeping the worst of it at bay and trying to do good things for my body. Losing my health is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. My last word of advice: Be nice to yourselves and take care of the body you were given.

Michelle - This is for You!!!

2010-04-27T22:28:00.009-06:00

This is a post on the fly so that I could make my post about PMS move down the line so that the next time Michelle checks my blog, she won't have to see that horrible picture.

Let's see... I just finished cleaning the bathroom. That is fascinating. Jeremy is asleep in bed already and I think he faked sleep so that he wouldn't have to let Indy out for his last potty trip. I wish I were that good. Typically I can't fall asleep until I know the dog has been out and typically, I have to ask if I don't want to do it myself. Such is life.

Oh.. I know what I can post about. My garden. Here are pictures of our new square foot garden. We have planted somewhere around 30 different vegetables and we have high hopes that they will all somehow grow. Jeremy did a really nice job on the box and he even mapped out the whole thing and planned where each vegetable would go according to where it liked to grow best. Notice the pictures of the ripped up lawn, which I helped with. It was not easy and I'm still stiff and sore today.

First, we ripped up the lawn....

This is the sod cutter, which is REALLY difficult to maneuver.

Jeremy being kind and putting bags on his feet before he tracked mud through the house (again).

The garden...

We will be laying new sod soon. To be continued...

My Own Post Secret Post

2009-12-08T16:24:00.002-07:00

I wish deep down that I had the perfect listener, who didn't judge me or wish that I was different than I am right now, who understood that today will change and would convey that to me through understanding. I wish that when I was feeling truly awful, that all my negativity would bounce off this person and be transformed into a warm hug, just because they listened and let me get it out of my system without it damaging them. Where are you perfect listener? I need you.

2009: A PMS Odyssey

2009-11-30T14:26:00.018-07:00

For those of you who know me, you understand that I am sometimes reactive. You have experienced my extreme moods and know when I have reached THAT place where I go off ... OFF meaning that I am transported into a tunnel where all I see is the rage I feel. I lose sight that the world is complex and full of billions of different interpretations and meanings and the only thing I see is how truly wrong the person is who dared to piss me off. I feel this immediate need to correct them and to let them know how unbelievably stupid they are. I feel like it is vital that they also know that they don't deserve to breath the same air as I do and that their very existence is a cosmic joke on me. It's ugly. Very, very, ugly.

I've dealt with these feelings for quite a few years. I have been better or worse depending upon how regular my cycles are and how healthy I'm feeling. I have been close to normal several times in my life, only to get bumped by something stupid, like antibiotics or some other medication or severe stress. I feel like I'm ALMOST there and then ... I fall into a hole again. It sucks! Big time.

PMS is a horrible thing to experience. People laugh about it. Women console each other and so do men. They have support groups on the internet for both men and women. One site for men is called, "trackyourbitch.com". I suggested it for Jeremy, thinking he would find some humor in the situation, but quite honestly, the concept of PMS doesn't make me laugh. I find it disturbing and humiliating and shameful. There is nothing funny about feeling THIS bad. To understand just how awful it is, here is a list of how I feel right now.

My head feels full of pressure and I'm slow to think.
My boobs feel like I've had breast implants. They are hard and sore and they hurt when I move.
My lower back aches and I have pinchy pains in my uterus and ovaries.
My feet are swollen and they feel like I have rocks in the bottoms of them.
I'm craving strange foods, but nothing satisfies me.
I'm retaining water and I feel bloated.
I have insomnia and restless legs at night. I'm hot then cold then hot then cold. I'm uncomfortable and when I do sleep, I have nightmares about little mice who've had their back and hind legs flattened, but don't die and then I have to put them out of their misery, but they don't make it easy.
I feel paranoid and distrustful.
I have a hair trigger response to anger.
I'm depressed and hopeless.
I have ugly, painful acne.
I cry in frustration over the slightest hiccup in the day.
I feel extreme rage towards my fellow co-workers when they are stupid. (Normally, I'm moderately understanding about co-worker stupidity, but PMS makes me totally intolerant.)
Everyone around me irritates me, but I try my best to hold it in and not tell them.

I've experimented with hormone replacement over the years. I've used bioidenticals, which are a bitch, because your body changes every day and it's hard to standardize the dose. I've attempted birth control twice in my life. The first time I was so sick. The second time I was sick and paranoid that I had a blood clot in my leg. If I know a medication CAN cause a blood clot, I'll feel one and then freak out about it. Ick! I've tried Prozac and though they say it takes several weeks to kick in, they lie. I felt it a few days after and it made me SO depressed I couldn't function. I had fully expected it to cure me. I've tried diet modification. I've gone without sugar for over a year. I've tried cleanses, herbs, vitamins, acupuncture, yoga, etc.. I think that all of these things have merit and can work for me, but something always seems to happen and I get bumped. The most success I've had so far has been with kombucha tea. It seems to have helped regulate my cycle, but I stopped drinking it daily. I got screwed up with another medication and now I'm starting over.

My current prescription for moderating my PMS is exercise, calcium/mag, fish oil, B vitamin complex, kombucha tea and keeping my stress down. It's hard though, because PMS just amps me up and stress overwhelms me. I find it defeating that it requires such an effort to stay balanced. I feel like a ticking time bomb and like I have to watch myself every second of the day and keep on schedule or I'll take a nose dive.

I hate what PMS does to my relationship, because Jeremy can't do anything right. I want him to read my mind and to just FIX this horrible feeling. I go from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. I hate this about myself. My feelings seem very real and legitimate. Most of them are, but the feelings are so over-amplified that any legitimacy they have is lost. I feel like 3 to 5 days of the month, I'm nearly insane. I have another 5 to 6 where I'm just irritable. That's nearly 10 days a month that I'm not very fun to be around, which has got to suck for the people who have to endure me. I'm sorry to all of you. I wish I had a magic solution.

What bothers me more than anything is knowing that my PMS is discussed while I'm not there to defend myself. I know that the people close to me need an outlet, because it's difficult to deal with me, but I feel like it becomes a scapegoat for EVERYTHING. Real issues get lost, because I overreacted about stupid crap like not being cuddled the "right" way. Unhappy events are portrayed as if it was all about me and my PMS. When I hear a story come back to me and I know it's totally ass backwards and exaggerated and these are MY friends he's talking to, I have to wonder what his friends hear. That sucks! I'm sure his friends don't hear about his bad moods, over-reactive behavior, etc.. They hear about mine, because PMS is something everyone can relate to (exploit). Just my take, but then again... I'm mid-PMS as I speak.

So, here's the deal... I know I have PMS. I know when I'm under its influence. I know it sucks for the people in my life. I also know it's NOT the only reason I get angry. I do experience justifiable anger and frustration. I do experience being on the opposite side of less than perfect behavior on the part of someone else and I think I have a right to express my irritation about it. I'm coming out about my PMS, but I do NOT want to be branded as irrational. Can anyone else understand this dilemma? I'm coming clean, but I want there to be a fair understanding about it. I'm also open to anyone's suggestions if they have any.

The End

I'm 32

2009-11-06T10:50:00.007-07:00

This isn't an update on me turning a new age. My birthday was in August. I'm just stating the fact that I'm 32 years old. I'm still young enough to accomplish a great deal in my life. I have a lot of experiences left to live. This hit me today, because I'm not living up to my potential. To be quite honest, I am currently existing in a state that is lacking the vibrancy and creativity that are part of who I am. I want to be more. I want to have energy to feel good more often. I feel ok. I feel happy, but I want to feel more through what I accomplish. I want to feel enough drive when I come home to put on my shoes and take the dog for a daily run. I want to walk in my house and feel a sense of calm and relaxation, because I'm organized and I don't have THINGS hovering over me. I feel like I have an audience at home right now. The pile of clothes on the floor and the extra two tables that I'm not using, but haven't put in storage. The boxes and boxes of papers and receipts and extra kitchen supplies are all staring at me, watching me and stealing my air. It's like I can't take a really good, deep breath. I want that deep breath.

I relish tranquil moments. They provide me with the ability to defrag my mind. I have a million jumbled thoughts and most of those are just garbage. When I can find a moment where I'm not fighting off so many THINGS too overwhelming to handle, my brain flows with creativity. I'm the kind of person who gets a runners high, though I'm not a true runner. I love moving my body and it makes me feel a rush of adrenaline. I also get a thinkers high. One thought will spark another and it will send off a rush of happy feelings for knowing it CAN think in such a way. I haven't done that in a very long time. I require more space to attain tranquility and more tranquility to find creativity and harmony. I need for things to have a place to belong and an efficiency about them. Functionality in my life is directly related to my ability to find and enjoy tranquil moments. Here's how I'll break it down, because I have a plan to get here.

My ideal life would be this...

I would live just a few blocks away on a quiet, odd numbered street (or is it even? Jeremy says one or the other is better for quiet) in a slightly more spacious house. My house would be old with lots of character, but newly remodeled with functional electrical outlets, upgraded heat (preferably that comes out of the floor so I can sit on the heat vent), new windows that don't draft and hard surface floors throughout. My kitchen would be open and have a large pantry and plenty of drawers and cupboards that open and close. I would be perfectly satisfied with two bathrooms, but wouldn't complain about three. I would have a laundry room on the main floor, just outside the bedroom for ease of washing. I would have half of a basement devoted to storage so that Jeremy could keep everything that he can't discard, safe and sound. I would have storage areas throughout the house with an awesome closet just for my linens. I'm slightly obsessed with linens. The house would come with a garage off to the side that would be Jeremy's work room, complete with a fan and heater. I would have a modest yard with a fence for the dog and cat and a lovely bird feeder. Wait.. the bird feeder probably needs to go in the front yard now that I have a cat. That is not a detail I should overlook.

I would have a job that pays well enough so that I only work 25 hours a week and I would go to school part time. I haven't decided what I will study yet, but it will be something that stimulates my mind and gives me that giddy feeling after I've thought some good thoughts.

I would be an early riser who feels GOOD in the mornings and I would take daily runs with Indy. I would have enough time left over in my day to keep up routines with my house so that it stays organized and happy. Houses need love and attention or they start to feel sad and then they spread that sadness to those who live there. My house would feel lots of love and it would love me back so that my energy would keep on cycling and not be sucked away. I love you future house!

I would make delicious dinners for me and Jeremy and after dinner we would talk and laugh and then either watch a good show or do our own things. It's so relaxing, isn't it?

My ideal life is SO amazing. I'm really not that far from it. I think I have hope. I just need to adjust a few settings and then I'll be well on my way. Woo hoo for my new ideal life!

I feel better just thinking about it.

:)

Today

2009-11-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot...

Ode to Jeremy

2009-10-30T13:46:00.007-06:00

Happy Birthday Jeremy!

I have been wanting to write a post dedicated to you for a very long time. I'm glad that I have a good excuse to express some nice things about you.

For those of you who don't know it, I LOVE Jeremy. He's wonderful in a million ways that make me happy like I've never been. He has challenged me more than anyone I have ever met, but he has also taught me a lot about myself.

Jeremy is a really good person. He has a very kind soul. He is exceptionally tolerant of all creatures great and small. He allows Sophie to use him as a human couch/bed/trampoline. She does this sometimes for hours and he just lays there and takes it without showing any annoyance. Occasionally he will ask me to rescue him and I'll have to pick her up and carry her away so he can get up, but this is rare and usually only if it's a dire emergency. If he comes home to find a potty accident, he doesn't say anything. He just takes care of it. (Fyi... Potty accident by pets not me. Though I'm sure he would be just as nice if I peed on the floor.) Jeremy tries to see the best in people. He gives every person he meets the benefit of the doubt before making any negative assumptions about them. He is very generous in his understanding of people and why they do things. He is also very forgiving.

Jeremy has a mind all of his own. He is painfully independent in both thought and deed. He has one of the most fascinating minds I've ever met. Fascinating because of how he thinks, how his mind handles information, and how quickly it moves. He is by far the most resourceful human being I know. If I want information about something, I ask Jeremy. I respect his knowledge and opinions more than he knows. I'm not the only one in his life who goes to him with questions. He is the go to guy for both family and friends. If he doesn't already know it, which he most often does, he can find it in a matter of seconds. He gathers information quickly and always finds the best stuff. I thought I was resourceful until I met Jeremy. I admire his mind very much.

One of my favorite activities is laughing. I adore laughing with Jeremy. I love that he tries to get me to laugh. He will replay movies and tv shows just to see if I'll laugh. He actually calls me in, catches me up on the story and then plays it all over again so he can watch me chuckle. He doesn't think I see it, but I do. It's very endearing. He's a good laugher too. He gets this little boy look on his face when he's got a belly laugh going on. It just makes me giggle harder. He has such a quick wit and he's very funny. We had a conversation once about his comedic ability. He's not necessarily constant unless he's on a roll, but he can deliver lines weaved into conversation that almost feel staged, because they are so good and happen so fast. I think he is much funnier than he realizes.

There are many, many good traits that Jeremy possesses. I could go on, but I think I love Jeremy, because I do. He is so dear to me and so close to my heart. I love living with him, sleeping next to him every night and waking up to him every day. I love being kissed every morning before he leaves to work. I love working with him on projects when we are both in a happy working place. I love watching silly shows together. I love going on walks. I love sitting around and pointing out all the silly things the dog and cat do. I love it when we are laying in bed and Indy and Sophie both jump up to join in. Jeremy feels like home and though we haven't perfected it all yet, I see enough love and desire between us to get there. I know I am a better person for knowing him.

I love you J!!!!! Looking forward to seeing your lovely face tomorrow... or today. :)

Love,

T

The Muffin I Never Knew

2009-10-16T22:02:00.005-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was having some back pain and I realized that it was near my kidneys. I was rubbing my back and thought it felt kind of swollen, so I pulled my pants down and looked at it in the mirror. I was horrified at what I saw. My back was SO swollen. I was in a bit of a panic, because I have hypochondriac tendencies, so I asked Jeremy to look at it. He kept looking as I was pinching and showing him all the "puffiness". I was like... "OMG, look how swollen it is!" He was like... "I don't see anything abnormal honey." I just thought he was being a guy and didn't notice the HUGE, PUFFY, SWOLLEN area surrounding my hips. I was a little insulted that he would insinuate that my back always looked like that.

Fast forward a week. My back pain had subsided. It felt better by the next day actually and nothing was wrong with my kidneys though I was terrified for a few hours that I had kidney cancer or possibly something worse. Anyway, I was looking in the mirror and had a painful realization. I have that whole muffin thing going on. I don't usually wear pants that are tight around my waist so I never have muffin TOP, but I do have the muffin. I had convinced myself that I hadn't been bestowed that womanly gift. It turns out that I have been wearing muffin blinders for years. Everyone has the ability to block out certain aspects of their body that they just can't come to terms with and apparently this is one of MY things. I mean, most of the time when I look in the mirror, I elongate my body so things look slimmer. I turn and look at myself from only the best angles. Who knew I was carrying such a soft pillow around my hips all these years? I'm still in shock.

P.S. I told Tammy this story and she laughed and told me to blog about it, which is why I did. This post is dedicated to her amusement. :)

A Jeremy Review

2009-09-29T14:42:00.004-06:00

Today is a B O R I N G day at work. To spice it up, while I was at Target shopping for lunch, I bought what looked like a delicious Pumpkin Tart. Just the word "Tart" makes me think YUM. I like that word, even knowing the slang definition is prostitutional. I just picture the scene in Bridget Jones Diary, where she shows up to the Tarts and Vicors party wearing a bunny outfit and fishnet tights. It cracks me up. Anyway, back to the Tart in my story.

It was packaged beautifully, which should give it some credit. It was however, dry and dry and did I say dry? The crust should have been flaky, but it was hard and the whipped cream on top was OLD. It was disappointing. Archer Farms should not sell Tarts. The best part of the dessert was the rolled up piece of chocolate on top.

For those of you who do not know what a "Jeremy Review" is, I'll explain. When I first met Jeremy, we used to go to lunches out a lot. I don't know how I started asking him about his meals, but I did. Probably because I knew he would be responsive. At any rate, if you ask Jeremy about his opinion on something, particularly food, you will get a very thoughtful response. I used to call him critical, because it seemed that he more often criticized his food. Today, I've realized that he is actually less picky about food than I am. We like different things, but he likes more. When I want to critique a food, I think of him and so I've deemed food criticism, a "Jeremy Review".

Ugly

2009-09-19T14:37:00.004-06:00

I was driving to work today and just before I got on the freeway, I noticed this grasshopper hanging on to the outside of my drivers side window. I was at a stop light and I just looked at him. I don't like grasshoppers. I think they are really ugly and they creep me out, because when they jump on you, their legs stick to your skin. It makes me feel like they have attached themselves to me and ... ewwwwww!!!!!!!! Anyway, I sat there looking at this grasshopper and he looked back at me. I knew the minute I got on the freeway that he would be blown right off and would eventually land on someone's windshield or grill and would be squashed. My first thought was that there wasn't anything I could do and this was just what happened to stupid bugs. Then I thought about opening up my window and letting him stay in the cab with me, but that was way too creepy to follow through with. At last, I realized that I could pull over and flick him to a patch of grass. I could have sworn that he looked at me and was trying to communicate something. He seemed satisfied enough when I finally pulled over, because the minute I rolled down my window, he jumped to the safety of the grass.

I don't know what caused me to have such sympathy for this bug, especially when I usually react with a scream. I saw a cockroach this morning on his back and knew he'd been there since the night before, only I saw his feet move this morning. I just left him there. I shut my mind to the fact that he was trying to live and would probably die after a long struggle. Now... I feel guilty. Why is it ok for bugs to suffer and die? Why don't we consider their lives valuable too? I must be stuck in the mindset of a 3 year old, because some days I can't grasp where to draw the line. Alive is alive. It's something that has bothered me for a very long time. I committed mass murder of several hundred Box Elder bugs. What did they ever do to me?

Still On My Mind...

2009-08-21T16:44:00.004-06:00

I know a virtual girl who was living this wonderful love story. Two weeks ago, her love story ended in the most unfair way and I can't wrap my mind around it. I'm still crying about it. I think about it and I'm like ... "OMG.. this can't be real" and then I go on and live my life, but every time I think about it again and think about the days and hours and minutes that have gone by where I'm ok, I realize that she's not. Those days and hours and minutes still feel to her as if she has a dagger in her heart. She's still in the nightmare. I can turn off the sad movie, but she can't.

There is something about connectedness that makes us feel like this life we are living isn't just a figment of our imaginations. Someone else is experiencing THIS too. Someone else relates to the joy we feel when we fall in love and when we find out that someone has broken our heart. Those are not isolated feelings that only we experience. People know our joys and our pain and knowing that... is comforting for some reason. Kirsten knew my heartbreak, because she experienced it just weeks apart from me. I felt that connectedness to her through her blog and knowing someone else knew my pain was comforting. Watching her get back up and find love and happiness again was healing.

I know that many, many people felt the same shock and sadness that I did for Kirsten. I know many of these people are strangers to her just as I am. I've never met her. I had the opportunity once while at a Lilly Allen concert, but I was too shy to introduce myself. I thought it might be weird to be like... "Hey I totally forgot you go here! I'm Teresa's Mind Spring". I haven't perfected the blogger to blogger introductions yet. At any rate.. my point was... so many people have felt the shared pain and they have felt it deeply. The night I heard, I laid in bed with Jeremy and soaked him with my tears. We talked about it and tried to make sense of it. The next day, I just felt numb and couldn't stop thinking about it. I talked with my friend Tammy and tried to think of a possible way to make any amount of difference. From the outside looking in, Kirsten seems like the kind of person who has many, many good people surrounding her. She has a support system and people who are holding her hand all the way through. I wanted to feel like I had something to contribute as a blogging connection. I haven't come up with anything magical. All I have is the ability to communicate that I still play her movie and I feel a small portion of her grief. It's not even close to being able to say that I truly connect and identify with her reality, but I still feel the sadness. The crappy thing about grief is that most people move on so much sooner than you do and there seems to be an expiration date on the kind of comfort you really need. I just wanted to express to Kirsten that if she ever feels like comfort has expired in all the usual places, that I'd still listen and cry with her if she needed it. I want to hope that there is a purpose to this life and the things we experience. I don't KNOW, but I hope and that gives me just a tiny bit of peace. I do know that connections to others make all the difference. Life without love and kindness and understanding is empty. I will hope for you Kirsten and I will wish for peace to come soon. Until then, hang on and know that you are loved and supported by so many people.

2 Things I Love

2009-07-29T13:50:00.003-06:00

I am about to post recipes for two home brewed products that make me feel like a real homemaker. I am recommending them, because I use them ALL the time.

The scrub recipe was given to me by Tammy and it is amazing for cleaning anything. I used it on a disgusting, greasy oven... and it was like magic. It is especially great on hard water stains on showers and faucets. It's better than Lime away and CLR or CRL or whatever that other thing is. It is by far my favorite cleaner EVER!

Vinegar Scrub:

1/4 Cup Baking Soda
1 Tbs Dish Soap
Just enough white distilled vinegar to make a paste.

You mix the soda and soap and then add enough vinegar to make a paste. It will bubble at first, but will settle down.

The fabric softener recipe was given to me by my boyfriend's mother. It is so simple and at first I wasn't sure how much I liked it, but after using one of my freshly washed towels this morning, I was totally impressed. I can spend a lot on fabric softener, because I buy environmentally friendly brands and they are pricey. This is SO cheap. It works great and takes away static while keeping clothes soft. I buy the Whole Foods 365 brand conditioner, because it is inexpensive, environmentally friendly and it doesn't have a lot of perfume. The other great bonus is that it works in HE machines.

Fabric Softener:

3 cups white vinegar
2 cups hair conditioner
6 cups water

Pour all into container. Stir well.

Enjoy and let me know if you try any of these and like them.

My Interview

2009-07-28T22:12:00.001-06:00

What is your current obsession? Vacuuming up Box Elder Bugs before they totally gross me out. I've never vacuumed so much in my life. The are EVERYWHERE and they just die wherever they want to. I don't like bugs, but what I dislike more than bugs are DEAD bugs.

What do you hate the most that everybody else seems to love? Facebook quizzes. They make me grumpy and I hide them from view, even if I really like the person who took it. I think they are just there to gather your information and I hate that idea.

What are you wearing today? Currently: New shorts from Target (pale green) with a yellow t-shirt that was given to me by Lucy (Michelle's daughter). It says "Little Miss Naughty".

What I wore to work: Black slacks, tealish blue top. TOTALLY boring. I'm so depressed about my lack of style. That might have been a suitable answer to what I obsess about. I long for great clothes that actually represent who I see myself to be. Sure, I'm practical, but I want to look good being so practical. You know what I mean?

What's for dinner? Frozen margarita pizza from the Smith's organic brand. It was ok. I didn't feel like cooking.

What would you eat for your last meal? Drunken stir fry/noodles (heavy on the Thai basil) and Thai fried rice from Thai Lotus. Gratino from Tuccis. I hate Tucci's but they have THE best creme brulee.

What's the last thing you bought? A soap dispenser from Target, which I hoped would please my roommate only to find out that once again.. he is too stubborn to buy into anything that I like. I also bought new shorts and two new, VERY boring shirts. Are you following the theme of this questionnaire?

What are you listening to right now? Jeremy playing Rock Band and banging the drums in his forever quest to find rhythm. He says he's given up hope, but that boy NEVER quits.

What do you think of the person that tagged you? I'm very envious of her. She's beautiful and witty and has a very grounded, very real sense of the world and herself, enough to be totally aware of her neurosis to make special fun of it. I find her quite refreshing and easy to relate to. Thanks for tagging me Kirsten. I was totally excited!

If you could have a house, fully paid for, and totally furnished anywhere in the world, where would it be? I have a fascination with Seattle, but I think I would hate it a month in. I like dryish climates with lovely skies, so .... how about Tahiti? Kidding. That is a truly difficult question. I pick ..... Jackson, Wyoming, but I'd have to own a private jet and have a private bear body guard.

What is one of your hobbies? This is sad. I was going to say... laundry. I don't know if dancing like a nut at weddings counts, but I like it and I do it, a lot!

What are 3 things that annoy you most?

Watching people being lazy. Like when someone is perfectly capable of picking something up (especially when it is convenient for them), but instead they find a really lame excuse to avoid doing it.

Dog poop. It's truly one of my least favorite things in life. It really stinks and it is never ending. I despise it on the lawn and so I confront it every single day.

Being woken up before I'm ready. I hate it when I have 30 more minutes to sleep and someone or something robs me of that.

What is your favorite color? I find myself really drawn to black lately. I need to figure out if that means something dark. I love color variety. It's easier to say what I don't like... hot pink and peach. Not good colors.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe? We are back on theme ... I think my favorite piece of clothing has to be the most comfortable, so I'll say my new tie dyed skirt that I bought at the farmers market. It wraps around and is pretty cute as well as super cozy.

What is your dream job? Writing pieces on any subject that actually means something. I'd love to write about really great things. I'd obviously be really good at it considering how well I just described that.

Describe your personal style. Again? Seriously... is someone just trying to rub it in? I'm like the girl in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", before she looked mostly normal.

What are you going to do after this? Fold towels and clothes laying on the bed and then coerce myself into it.

What is your favorite "happy hour" at Sonic? I think I've only made it to happy hour once, but I do like their iced teas. They are low in sugar and refreshing.

What inspires you? Talking with people who care and who are educated through life experience. Watching courage and kindness in people who have lives far more challenging than I do.

Who was the last person you kissed? Jeremy, for buying me some new shoes in hopes that they might make me feel better about my lack of style.

What are you currently reading? Stumbling on Happiness. It's quite interesting. It is actually an illustration about tenses and how they play into our choices and inevitably our own ability to determine what will make us happy.

What delighted you most today? To be totally honest.. I was most delighted by knowing I had something fun to write about tonight. Pathetic, hu?

By what criteria do you judge a person? I used (by the way, is it USED or USE?) to judge people heavily by how kind they were to bugs. Not many people lived up to my rigid standards of catch and release, so I've had to let that go. I still judge people by their sensitivity to living creatures and by their awareness of their actions, especially the ones that most of us don't think about. I like people who spend a bit of extra cash to avoid sending crappy chemicals into the water system where it will eventually poison a whale or add to the toxic burden of a sick kid. I like people who care. One thing I admire very much in people is being straight. Not the heterosexual kind... just the ones who you don't have to question. Who they say they are is who they REALLY are. I also appreciate people who are not offended by my blunt, in your face reactions. "Blessed are the unfazed, for they shall be called the children of God." OR... people who can stand to be my friends. :)

Ok.. that was lots of fun! Thanks so much for tagging me. It is my turn now.

I tag ... Teresa, Michelle, Tammy, Stanford and Allison.

The rules: 1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.

Acting My Sex

2009-07-20T18:51:00.010-06:00

I am a woman. Most people think that being a woman just means that you cry a lot, you have boobs and you get your period. Oh, but it's so much more...

Being a woman means that you try WAY too hard all the time to make life good for everyone else in your life, especially those truly fortunate souls who are not of your same gender. You know ... MEN.

Women are planners. We plan for good things and we plan how to avoid bad things. We plan for other people too. We can magically see ahead into the future to know how to avoid small disasters, like an overdrawn bank account or the need for toilet paper after a certain date. Men think all these things magically happen and when they take enough time to realize that we actually play a role in them, they tell themselves that we do it because it makes us happy. We love to serve, so it would be wrong to rob us of that deeply ingrained desire to sacrifice so much of our time and energy on their behalf.

Women are a lot like sled dogs. We will run ourselves to death. We don't even notice that we are tired, because there is more to be done and so we do it. Meanwhile, men think we are just doing what makes us happy. We aren't. We are doing what we think needs to be done and we wouldn't do so much if less needed to be done. ie: Men should look around, see what they might be able to help with and spare some poor woman. We don't have a shut off button. We need to be forced at times to relax, because relaxation doesn't happen for us until our responsibilities have been taken care of. If a child cries (or a dog) it's automatic for us to fix what is causing the cry or at the very least, show some comfort. Men... they don't even hear the cry. They have a special part of their brain devoted to shutting out the parts of the world that they don't wish to experience. If anyone can perform magic, it is a man. I want that talent. It's totally amazing!

I have been shocked by how much I have stepped into the female role. I thought between my two parents that I was so much more like my dad. It turns out that I'm not. I'm my mother. No matter how much I try to rebel as a female, I cannot escape my fate. I will live out the rest of my life as a slave to my own, totally ass backward nature. That is so unfair!~

Procrastination

2009-05-05T13:06:00.002-06:00

I'm a bit of a procrastinator and I know other people in my life who procrastinate. Seeing it in someone else has opened my eyes to myself, which has pushed me to want to know more about what causes it and how to overcome it. What I found was rather interesting. It said that "Procrastination is always based on a dysfunctional worldview, such as that "short term relief or pleasure is better than sacrifice for long-term rewards," along with irrational disregard for negative consequences." This makes perfect sense to me. I would have to agree that when I'm procrastinating, I'm often thinking that the short term relief of pressure will make me feel better. I have an ability to look into my dark future and somehow alter the consequences of not getting something accomplished. I either convince myself that it really isn't that important or that I'll have time JUST before it's REALLY due to get it done. I tend to think that the imminent deadline will motivate me when I'm lacking natural motivation.

I don't like this part of myself and I don't like it in other people. Nothing is more frustrating than someone NOT coming through for you when they said they would, especially in a working environment. I feel awful when I let someone else down or when I have to apologize for not getting something done that I know was expected of me. I tend to hate myself when I don't reach my own goals and expectations, especially when I know they are things that will create a better me. I want more energy and to get that, I have to start and continue to exercise and to sleep well and to eat well. I could do all that and it wouldn't be that difficult, but instead I will choose the quick fix. I'll rest instead of exercising and then I won't sleep well or I'll go out for dinner instead of planning a healthy meal at home. The consequences add up over time and then I find myself in a place so far from where I really want to be. It's FRUSTRATING. Why can't my mind be more in sync with the inevitable consequences of life?

Ode to Michelle

2009-02-19T12:57:00.009-07:00

Today is the birthday of my BFF, Michelle. As part of her birthday present, I'm going to broadcast some of the best things about her.

Michelle and I have known each other for more of our lives now than we haven't. There is something really cool about knowing someone so well and for so long. The longer you know someone, the more history you have to play off of for inside jokes. Michelle may possibly be THE funniest person I know. She is incredibly witty and bold and quite the physical comedian. She finds humor in shocking people, especially me. Generally this involves flashing me in unexpected ways, like the time she walked up the stairs ahead of me with only a shirt on. I expected she had panties on, but... NOPE! I appreciate this type of shock humor much more than say, just jumping out and scaring me. Michelle is funny in the way she tells a story. She will tell me a story about her day or Violet or her mother-in-law and I will be rolling. I always try to retell her stories to other people, thinking they are going to be just as funny and they never are. It's the WAY she tells the story and I'll never be able to repeat it.

One of my favorite memories of Michelle is about a year ago. She came over for a girls night and we had just come back from the store with goodies of some kind. About 2 minutes after we closed the door, she stood in the living room and pulled her pants down to reveal matching pajamas underneath. It was sort of like.. "Ok, I'm comfortable, I'm ready, let's do this thing." I just busted up laughing and she was confused as to why that was so funny. It's funny, because it was so Michelle. If she were coming to my house to help me cook something, I would fully expect her to come wearing an apron. She's like that. She is one of the most feminine women I know. I really like that about her, because she has helped me to incorporate more girly things into my life.

Michelle is incredibly creative. She has this amazing eye for patterns and color and I love the way she coordinates fabrics. She is constantly making things and she acts like it's no big deal, but I don't really think so. She has made so many things for people that they will cherish forever. Not only does she coordinate fabrics for things she sews, but she is really good at coordinating her own clothing. She has a unique style and has come up with color combinations that I have copied more than once. I've always been the slower one in regards to fashion. I used to borrow Michelle's clothes in middle school and high school, because she always had cute stuff. I don't know how many items I ruined (I'd be afraid to count), but Michelle was always (still is) nice about it when I did/do.

Michelle is an amazing mother. She loves her girls so much and they know it. She lets them be who they are and helps them to explore the world without fear. There are a lot of things that Michelle does as a mother that I would like to be/do with my own kids.

Besides all that, Michelle is just a really good person. She is self assured and authentic and so comfortable in her own skin. She never holds grudges, she takes people at face value and she makes the world a better place. She has been such a good friend to me. She accepts me for who I am and puts up with all my annoying habits, like when I'm late .. ALL the time. (I'm really trying to work on this one.) She put up with me being a social phobic for many years and didn't hold it against me when I missed birthdays. She is forgiving and has granted me pardon over things I probably wouldn't have been half as understanding about. She is always fun and she's a great listener and I am so happy to have her as my BFF.

Happy birthday Michelle!!! :)

My Valentine Confessions

2009-02-13T08:51:00.007-07:00

Tomorrow is V-Day. You know.. that day where everyone expresses their love and they give you gifts that remind you that you are loved.

Ahem.....

I have a confession. I have never had a real Valentine. Never. When I lived in California, the neighbor boy who had a crush on me, brought me a heart shaped box of chocolates. I thought it was so nice and I very much appreciated it, but I was sad, because I wished it had been from someone I really loved. Throughout my years of relationship drought, my mom has filled in and she always gave me something great. Don't get me wrong, I like Valentines Day and I don't think it's just about a significant other. It has sort of felt like an extension of Christmas, just without the evergreen and with a hint of spring. That's how my mom makes it feel to me.

This year, I have a significant other. He's quite significant in fact. Instead of being excited, I'm finding myself a little bit braced, like I just don't know what to expect. I do this thing when I don't want to feel disappointed and I just shut down any expectations. I become numb and act like I don't care at all. There is this little kid inside me though who really, really wants something great. Not a gift per say, but a real Valentine gesture. Well, ok.. a gift too. Something kind of traditional. I suppose it is my secret Valentines wish that I've had for years and it has never been fulfilled yet. At least not by someone I care about like that.

So.. that's my secret Valentine wish. The not so fun thing is that I'll probably have to make it a little more obvious if I don't want to end up disappointed. Though I know that communication is, you know, kind of a requirement, I still like to hope that people can just read my mind. Even when my deepest, darkest wishes stay ... deep and dark.

Little Bird

2009-01-21T13:12:00.002-07:00

For many reasons, I identify with the lyrics of this song. Most people can't get through the music itself, because it's sad and melancholy, but I see it as sort of comforting.

Sometimes it's hard to say
Even one thing true
When all eyes have turned aside
They used to talk to you
And people on the streets seem to disapprove
So you keep moving away
And forget what you wanted to say

Little bird
Little bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden

Sometimes it's hard to tell the truth from the lies
Nobody knows what's in the hold of your minds
We are all building and people inside
Never know who walks through the door
Is it someone that you've met before

Little bird
Little Bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
Little bird

I know what I know
A wind in the trees and a road
That goes winding 'onder
From hear I see rain I hear thunder
Somewhere there's sun
And you don't need a reason

Sometimes it's hard to find a way to keep on
Quiet weekends, holidays
You come undone
Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me

Little bird
Little Bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
I'm golden

I have been sorting and sorting myself out over the last few weeks. The process itself is interesting and revealing and inevitably confusing, because every direction I begin to take loops back to something meaningless.

I was thinking about how everyone is the world wants outward recognition. I sometimes just think it's me, but I realized that I'm not so special in that regard. I want to be gifted and recognized for those gifts. Being beautiful or having an amazing singing talent or being really good and set apart as a horse trainer. The problem with that idea is that someone will always be more beautiful or sing better or be more talented. Someone will always be smarter or more well liked or more capable at this or that. What exactly am I here for? Is this life a competition? Do I have to compete to be the better person? Should I be afraid of losing my perceived status with other people? Do my deeds (good or bad) set me apart and make me "better" or "worse" than someone else? I know stupid and meaningless stuff will boost my self image for a short time. I can get dressed up and think I look nice and then I somehow feel elevated as a person. Is that what life is about though? Being pretty? Trying to get someone's attention? Working for recognition? It seems an exhausting concept, because there is so much up keep and maintenance required. You can't be pretty ALL the time. You can't be smart ALL the time. People don't like you ALL the time. External rewards are subjective, because they are not awarded unless you please your external audience, which is always changing.

I was watching a PBS program and Doug Fabrizio was interviewing the president of PBS, who happens to be female. I was really amazed at her ability to express herself. She was very bright, articulate and could express complex pieces of information in a way that was both easy to relate to, but also intelligent. She was this very average looking woman, but I was glued to her words. I started picturing how she made her way to that position. It was obviously well deserved. She commanded your respect. I wanted to be like her. I would get a lot of satisfaction out of being that self assured in that type of environment. I listen to Doug Fabrizo a lot and I really like him as well, because he's always so thoughtful in the questions he asks. He's an intellectual and he can take a subject and dissect it into so many pieces that make it seem so much bigger than you realized it could be. I guess that's what I want to be sometimes... bigger than I realize I am. Would it really matter though?

** I wrote this a few weeks or many months ago and never posted it. I read it again and thought... what the hell.

It Sucks to be SICK!!!!!!!!

2008-12-16T03:01:00.002-07:00

I am sick. I was sick about 5 weeks ago too or maybe it was longer, I don't remember. The point is... I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Sick and I can't sleep and I'd like to complain about how I feel, because I have nobody else to talk to at 3:00 in the morning.

I have a fever and I can't figure out how you can go from burning up and having a temperature of 102 degrees and STILL being chilled to the bone. I was huddled in my blankets (down comforter and another blanket) and it still wasn't warm enough. It's such an odd feeling to be so hot and cold at the same time and not be sweating.

That lasted for a good 6 hours, until I took some Advil Cold & Sinus. I had to take 2 doses, because the first one didn't bring my fever down. I'm still hot at about 100 degrees, but I'm now sweating and actually FEELING hot. The cold medicine doesn't work, because it's supposed to stop the crap from running down my throat, but it hasn't AT ALL. Instead it has caused my heart to race and I feel like I'm on crack, while sweating profusely, while trying to breath and swallow without wincing in pain over my raw throat.

I can't sleep and so I'm up online trying to cope with my painful body and the chills and sweating and dry eyes and ....... on and on and on............ I'm miserable. Truly miserable. And I know I'm repeating myself, but I get to because I feel like crap and I'm delirious and totally high on bloody cold medicine.

The End

Ode to Addie

2008-11-30T19:56:00.007-07:00

There once was a dog named Addie. She was bright and beautiful and free. She loved with perfection and brought joy and light to the world. She was cherished in return and to her last breath, she knew she was so very loved. She will be greatly missed.

A Box of Surprises

2008-10-26T22:44:00.007-06:00

So, I was looking for a cable to hook up my Tivo to my new satellite service and as it has almost been a year since I moved, I couldn't remember where it was or if it even still existed. In my searching through boxes that I have still not unpacked, I found an old box of letters and "stuff". I don't keep a lot of things, but I do keep letters. Both letters that I've written to other people and those that I receive. It is always interesting to go back and read them from years ago to get a bearing on where I was within myself at the time. Some of them were kind of horrifying for a multitude of reasons. I don't always like the me from the past. Some of the letters were consistent with who I still am today, which is good and validating, but also partially frustrating. Sometimes I want to believe that my issues haven't been around for as long as they have. Knowing that they have, makes it seem like more of an obstacle.

I did find one of the nicest things in that box. I found a poem that was written about me. I'd forgotten that the poem had ever been written and it made me tear up a bit. I thought I would share it.

Dark Hair

Her hair is dark... very dark
Sometimes dyed darker
Soft strands of her hair orbit the sky
Wrapping her chickens in smiles
While her hair sings a lullaby
Lighter than a white gelding
Galloping across a desert stadium
Towards a wire tree who sits still
And listens to her hair
One million strands of thought
Each a question of succession
A braid of DNA
An answer dividing into two
Both a storm and a calm sea
Her hair is the warmest sun
To warp a friend in
The simplest concern or care
Her hair is a knot tied tight
To hold the world
And swing a child
Her hair is short or long
The motion of a ballerina
Dancing to the giggles
Lying within her hair
Perpetuating and pulling
Up laughs like carrots
Orange and smiling broad

I also found some of the nicest cards and letters from people who love me or are really good at faking it. I found my mom's 12 days of Christmas poems. She once bought me maxi pads and wrapped them up with a clever poem describing what they were. I had NO idea, but laughed and laughed when I opened the present and realized what she was trying to convey.

Most of my card/letter reading experience has been nice and affirming, but tonight, I learned for the first time why waterproof mascara was really invented. I was crying over how nice people have been to me and when I looked in the mirror... OH MY! I almost blogged solely about my mascara. If my camera had not been out of batteries, I would have taken a picture of my face. It was amazing! At least now I know NOT to wear that mascara to a funeral.

Oh... I also got a chance to rake my many, many leaves today. I had been longing to take part in that fall ritual that so many other people take for granted. Guess what? I get it now. I was sick of raking after my second pile.

*** Disclaimer: Stanford, I really JUST found that poem tonight in my box and then I went to your poetry blog and saw that you recently posted it. SO weird!

*** Disclaimer #2: I hope that poem was really about me. I'd feel like a jackass if it was about somebody else and I was claiming it as myself. It wouldn't be the first time. ;)

What Fall Brings In

2008-10-18T18:50:00.008-06:00

I mowed my lawn today and was planning on raking up leaves too. I've never lived anywhere where I had a tree that shed so many leaves that it required raking. The trees at my parents house would just shed their leaves on the dirt ground and they eventually became part of the new cycle of spring. I watch movies where the neighborhoods are lined with big trees and the fall leaves drop and fill the streets with vibrant colors of orange, brown and yellow. It looks so serene. Today was my day to fulfill my Fall leaf fantasy and I ruined it, because instead of raking the leaves into big piles, I mowed first and the law mower ate them all. I did find a tiny bit of satisfaction when I dumped the clippings in the garbage and saw all the pretty colors. I pretended that I had raked them myself. It was ALMOST the same thing. The good part is that there are PLENTY more leaves to come and I'll have my chance again, probably by tomorrow afternoon.

When Fall hits, all the little creatures start to act funny. They all know winter is coming and so you find desperate bugs who have made their way into your house in an attempt to stay in a warm environment. Today, I walked in from mowing and saw the scariest bug I'd ever seen on my wall trim. I'd never seen one like it before, but a few days ago, I read about it on Kirsten's Blog. It was a millipede, but one with LONG, spider legs. I didn't kill it, because I don't kill any bugs, but when I captured it for release, I walked a lot further than I usually do to let it go. Ewwwwww!!!!!!

I don't know if the change in weather is doing me in, but I have felt like a zombie all week and I can't get enough sleep. I'm not sleeping well at night and only seem to be able to really rest during the day. I have a lot of work to catch up on and meant to go in to the office today, but it's after 7 already and I can't bring myself to go. I used to have a lot more drive than I do now and I don't know what took it away, other than me realizing that I'm not getting enough rewards from my job to make the sacrifice worthwhile. Huuuuuuummmmmmmm ..... Will I or won't I?

The Little Menders

2008-10-11T21:36:00.005-06:00

I am in an odd mood tonight. I feel like I'm all warm in my bed, but there is a worrisome storm outside. I have a lot going well in my life, but the climate outside seems a little rough. People I know are struggling and going through loss and the world is in a panic about how far reaching the impact of the plummeting US (now world) economy will be. There is a lot of uncertainty in the air. I have yet to feel an impact and I don't know if I can really grasp what that would be, if I do.

I spent the night at Michelle's house and she made carbonara for dinner and was gracious about waiting for me to show up, because I'm always late. I don't know why she doesn't slap me or tell me that she fed my dinner to Todd. Instead she is sweet and patient.

After dinner, I played with Lucy and Violet. We played witch and princess, which basically consisted of me pretending to be either a witch or a princess and Violet and Lucy being the opposite of whatever I was. In their role as the witch, they took me to their dungeon (Lucy's bedroom) and piled on top of me, which just made me giggle. It seems my laugh was infectious and so they just kept giggling and smothering me with hugs. At one point, I pretended to be a sleeping princess, who was under a spell. I was fake snoring with my eyes closed and all of a sudden, I felt these tiny lips on mine. Violet was waking me from my spell with a kiss. I woke up in a hurry, bursting into laughter. It was so damn cute!

I think little girls are the sweetest thing in the world. I was not an affectionate kid. I was really shy and really reserved. I would showcase my dancing "talent", but ONLY when I was really brave and for close family. I love how open and affectionate Lucy and Violet are. They are good menders, because they are so genuine and you know that what they are giving you is real. They don't even have to know you are sad to do it and when they walk away, they don't know how or what they did. I might have to thank them when they are older.

Spots on My Silverware

2008-10-05T22:25:00.003-06:00

Tonight, I put away, in my CLEAN drawer, silverware that I washed in the ... dishwasher. That might sound like a mundane task, but it's something that hasn't yet happened for me in this house, with this set of silverware.

I have issues with spots on my silverware. I hate spots. I HATE dirty silverware drawers and I though other aspects of my house can at times be really neglected, my silverware drawer is not. Because I have such an obsession to keep it so pristine, I usually let my silverware stay dirty for a long time, because I despise cleaning it by hand and then DRYING it by hand so that they remain spot free. In my mind, my silverware can stay dirty, but by damn... it's not allowed in the clean drawer until it has gone through my ten point system of cleaning.

I think something shifted in my brain tonight. I was in a hurry last night to get my dishes done, because my mom was coming over and I just pre-washed everything (I load dishes into the dishwasher that most people would consider clean) and hit "wash". I let everything dry overnight, because I hate the heated dry on my glasses as it causes baked on spots and tonight, I opened up the dishwasher and I started putting things away. I saw spots on my silverware and I talked myself into being ok with it. Other people have spots on their silverware and they don't even notice. (I'm sorry, but I totally notice spotted glasses and silverware at other people's houses. I only judge them for it a little.)

I really wanted to take out all the silverware and rinse and dry it again, but I held steady and fought the urge. I even loaded NEW dirty silverware into my dishwasher tonight after cooking. I actually COOKED. I'm kind of amazed with myself and wonder what has happened to me. Could it be that I'm sick of living in filth? Could it be that I've de-cluttered and so I feel more free to keep things clean? Could it be that I'm just not as crazy as I used to be? I think that might be it. I like me better this way. If you happen to come by and eat at my house, please make sure you compliment my spotted silverware.

I Found My Twin

2008-10-03T15:48:00.002-06:00

I met someone who I think is more like me than anyone else I know. She isn't someone who is easy to get to know, but the more I talk to her, the more I realize how oddly similar we are. What makes us so similar is our operating system. We look nothing alike and we have different backgrounds, but we have similar temperaments, similar health issues and similar ways in which we approach issues even if we come to different conclusions, etc.. Our brains operate in similar ways and I think if we were to be studied, our brains and biochemistry would come out a lot the same.

It was interesting talking to her today, because she was able to validate a part of me that I often consider a weakness in myself. We were talking about our psychological make ups and how a broken trust during a key moment in your development can create a particular type of emotional and psychological detachment that heavily influences you to be who you are. In both of our cases, though I know nothing about her life or her experiences, we have ended up fairly aggressive and independent people. Though that can rear its ugly head in close, personal relationships, it is also an asset when it comes to taking care of yourself. It makes you hyper-vigilant and keenly aware of your surroundings. This comes in handy when you have the need to protect yourself or it can give you an edge by ensuring that you gather information first, which puts you in a desirable position both to succeed and to avoid pitfalls. I've always been that person who can overhear two words that someone is saying and then be able to put the pieces together to know what is going on. I get a sort of high when I get pulled into a conversation about something I really know nothing about and I can sort though random details and form an understanding based upon an outline I've created, enough so that I can participate and SOUND like I know what's going on. My brain was forced at an early age to listen to HOW something was said and to pick out key words so that I could keep myself informed about when or how I would need to protect myself. It can bite me in the ass when I make false assumptions and overreact to something that isn't real, but it's also nice when I'm so many steps ahead of something that I need to be. I think there is a happy balance there and I'm trying to play down one side without killing the other.

At any rate, this was one of those long and overly analytical posts that will probably bore, but I get so excited thinking about how people work and it was fun to talk to someone who works a lot like me. I would love to be involved in studying people and how their minds operate and their biological make up to find out exactly what makes them the way they are.

My Daily Violet

2008-10-03T15:43:00.002-06:00

Teresa: Violet, I'm going to take a nap. Will you wake me up in an hour? (As I was laying my head on the chair she was sitting in.)

Violet: (Silence for about 3 seconds until my eyes are closed and then...) Cock-a-doodle dooooo

A Surprise in the Night

2008-09-27T00:21:00.002-06:00

I was at my friend Michelle's house tonight and we were all watching "Watcher in the Woods". I'd never seen it before so I was totally glued to the story, but Tammy and Michelle passed out through most of it. When Michelle's husband got home with her two sleeping children, I offered to go out and retrieve Lucy from the car, because Michelle was still asleep. I reached in, unbuckled her, picked her up and she clung to me in the sweet way that sleeping children do. It hit that mommy button in me and I started thinking about how great it would be to do that with my own kids someday. As I was walking to the house, I was kind of lost in my fantasy with this euphoric feeling when all of a sudden, I heard (AND FELT) this rumble. Lucy let out the most powerful fart and not only did it register high on the Richter scale, but ... whew! It was really stinky. I thought it was so funny and I busted up laughing, but was trying to keep it quiet so as not to wake her. I carried her up the stairs and she came to half way and said, "Goodnight mommy". I thought it was sweet. She repeated it again when I was laying her in bed and then realized who I was.

I wonder at what age, ripping a HUGE fart without knowing it, is no longer considered endearing and sweet.

Powerflex My .... OUCH!

2008-09-25T07:46:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, my friend Tammy talked me into going to a Powerflex class with her. She told me it was hard and that they lifted weights, etc.. She even told me how hard her marathon running husband thought it was. I had this picture of "hard" in my head, but I blew it off, because I have held this image of myself as a fairly strong person. I've never had endurance, but I have always been able to handle things that require musclular strength.

I had been invited to this class a few other times, but I could never quite fit it into my schedule. Yesterday morning as I was getting dressed in front of my full length mirror, I noticed that my body is ... how shall I put it... getting soft. I also noticed that the pants I wore on Tuesday were snug. I cannot deal with gaining weight. I lost a whole lot of it (30 pounds) and I don't want any of it back. I haven't been eating a lot, but I also haven't been moving a lot. So... looking at my ass, bent over (true) in a full length mirror, REALLY seemed to freak me out enough that I said yes to Tammy. It was also helpful hearing information from my mom, who is a caregiver to elderly people, how much one's ass will sag when they are 80 years old. She was taking care of this old couple the other day and walked in on the older woman changing her peed pants (old people do this if you didn't know) and she happened upon a clear shot of her bare bum. She said it looked like a little, elephant with folds and folds of skin. She was lucky enough this day to also witness the backside of this same woman's husband and would you believe it... his ass was still firm and unwrinkled. I don't want to be a soggy, old woman. I don't want to be a soft 30 year old.

So, back to Powerflex. I walked in the room a few minutes before the class started as they were finishing up an aerobics class. It looked like a really sweaty class and it made me run back down the stairs for fear I might have an asthma attack. It turned out that the same instructor who taught THAT 1 hour class, also taught our 1 hour, Powerflex class. When Tammy told me that it was the same instructor who would be teaching, I instantly told her that I didn't like her. She was too fit. She was annoyingly fit and not in a sick way where you look too hard or too defined or too thin, like Madonna. She was super firm, nicely defined, incredibly strong and so FIT! I wanted to be her, but without so much enthusiasm. I'm thinking it is her enthusiasm about "fitness" though that probably contributes so much to her ... um.... fitness. If I had her body, I'd never be in a room without a mirror. I would be mesmerized by my body so much that I'd have to stare at it all damn day. It would suck me in and I'd be like a bird watcher, but with my own self. That's kind of creepy, but it's why I'm not that fit. I'd never get anything else done.

The class was difficult. I'm not as "strong" as I thought, because this wasn't about what you can lift ONCE, it was about what you can lift over and over and over again. And they work muscles that never get worked. I left feeling totally soggy and broken. I just wanted to collapse my frame and not have to hold myself upright. Today, I'm still sore and anticipating the worst tomorrow. It still hurts to go DOWN stairs and though I have pumped myself full of ibuprofen, I know tomorrow is going to be really uncomfortable. I feel hard though! Never mind that I'm totally swollen and it's just all the lactic acid and water that I'm retaining that is plumping my skin. I'll take what I can get for today. :)

I Don't Wanna Do THIS or THAT or ANYTHING

2008-09-18T17:36:00.005-06:00

I'm suffering from "overwhelmer's lack of motivation". It's a new term (mine obviously) that basically means that I have a whole pile of crap that I NEED, SHOULD and OUGHT to be doing, but I just don't want to do any of it. I'm overwhelmed to the point that I'd rather just evade it all.

I'd rather write about how I feel about doing it than just buckle down and do it. When I start thinking about one thing I need to do, all the other things dangle in my brain and taunt me and that makes me want to throw my hands up. It's not like there is a pot of gold at the end of this either. I don't have anything wonderful to motivate me forward, besides the relief that it's no longer taking up space on my virtual to do list. Dogs won't even do tricks for that. I would be happy with an "Atta Girl", but that doesn't even exist at the end of my trek. Just more of the same. Ick!

I used to take pride in the things I put out. I still do, but I'm exhausted from the struggle and that good feeling of pride from getting it done isn't there anymore. I miss the feeling I used to get, which was a kind of high, from keeping it all together. I had a system and I was able to manage it. I had enough time and energy left over and enough satisfaction from knowing that I had some level of control, that I could take care of things in my own life too. I did the house cleaning thing on the weekends, I cleaned out closets and took on projects and my dishes were SO clean. Today, my house is scary. My dishes look at me and I feel for them for being dirty for so long. It's not like I need them, because I'm never home to eat off of them, but for the few that I have used... well, let's just say they have been sitting for longer than is acceptable.

I need time off. I need to be able to count on people and things to be as they should be. I need a new job. I need a defrag.

What Color Do You See?

2008-09-15T16:27:00.004-06:00

When I changed my blog background at home it was a nice, off-white. Now, at work... I'm seeing lemon yellow. Please respond and tell me what color my background looks like to you. I'm not fond of lemon yellow.

OK... is it Off White NOW? I need more color choices, but don't want to go nuts with the design. I'm overly practical.

Sarah Plain and ..... Hu?

2008-09-12T07:43:00.003-06:00

I've already talked a little about my vivid dreams. I dream pretty consistently and they are always very interesting. I will often incorporate outside personalities into my dreams, even when I know VERY little about them. Last night, it was Sarah Palin. I've yet to see an actual LIVE shot of her. I've only seen pictures and read a few snippets about her online and I think those were from people.com. I saw that she had been interviewed by Charles Gibson last night and caught maybe two lines of the transcript. So, this is what my brain had to go on for what was quite an extensive chat, up close and personal. She was sitting in a cafeteria holding her baby and I sad down by her and started asking her questions. I asked her about her son and told her I was a little concerned about her ability to take over as commander in chief with such a responsibility to a child with special needs. I don't remember her response, but I know that her daughter who was sitting across from her chimed in and mentioned how much Sarah loved her son. I then asked her how she got into politics, because I was trying to get a feel for her experience. She told me that she used to volunteer at the hospital and that it set her on her way to politics. She was a candy striper. Damn.... I should have asked her about the hunting and her gun.

I'm having a difficult time reconciling McCain's pick for VP. I'm really supportive of a woman being in office, but I HATE the idea of a woman who is not qualified, being in office. I think it makes ALL women look bad. She went from Mayor (of a town of 6,300 people) to Governor (2 years by the way) and now a bloody VP candidate? HOLY!!!!! I also don't like the idea of a woman with a 4 month old child trying to "do it all". THAT is our eternal plight and it should NOT be played out through a scenario where one may have to take over as the bloody President of the United States. I'm kind of thinking that McCain is just using her to buy "stupid" votes and has a plan to replace her down the road. I'd respect him a little more if that was actually his plan. Does that make me sound awful and woman hating? I'm anything but. Truly. I'm just so annoyed!!!!!

P.S. I JUST realized that PLAIN was a re-org of her last name PALIN. It was totally unconscious, but clever just the same and NO.. it was not a typo. It was supposed to be a play on words from "Sara Plain and Tall", the Hallmark movie.

I Love This Song

2008-08-28T09:17:00.002-06:00

Small Fences Make Angry Neighbors

2008-08-24T10:08:00.004-06:00

I have already talked about my dog poop issues and how my yard is THE place for dogs to come to do their business. I have two neighbors besides my co-duplex neighbors. Charity and Shannon live next door to me and Barton lives two doors up. Between the two of them, they have 4 dogs and they are both aware that their dogs come and poop on my lawn. They are reasonably responsible and they come and make the rounds a few times a week to pick it up. It doesn't ever seem to be enough, because every Sunday when I go to mow the lawn, I'm knee deep is shit. I gather at least 10 piles of it per week.

I have been trying to make friends with my neighbors, because they are always out talking and letting their dogs play together. My neighbor Barton has always been a bit apprehensive about me. He has kept his distance for months, in spite of my efforts to be open and warm to him and in spite of how obvious it is that I love his dog. Last week, I FINALLY made it into his circle of "trusted neighbors". When I was watching Jones, he wandered over to Barton's yard to play with his dog and took a drink of his Sangria that was sitting on the porch step. We all laughed and made a joke about how we should never tell Jones's mom and dad or they would be pissed and make him talk to the Bishop. (Jones is a dog by the way, if people are behind.) Ever since then, Barton has waved hello and actually used my name. I was feeling rather accepted and special.

When I first moved in, my landlord told me that when it was Spring, he was planning on building a small fence for the front yard. I wasn't in any hurry and didn't really even think it needed it at the time, so I didn't say much about it. When Spring arrived and lawn mowing season was upon me, I realized what a pain it was to pick up all the dog poop each week. It took this long, but about two weeks ago, I wrote my landlord about some other issues I was having and casually mentioned that if he wanted to put up that fence, I was ALL for it, because I knew it would be a great solution to my dog poop dilemma. Being the amazing landlord that he is, Brad showed up yesterday with the stuff to build my fence. He is the hardest working human being I think I've ever met. His wife Brenda is really high energy and she pushes him a lot, but he just goes and goes. They are both incredibly nice people. Brad especially is just so nice and warm and fair. I couldn't have asked for better people to rent from.

This brings me to yesterday. As Brad was putting up the fence, he spotted the neighbor dog on my lawn, pooping. He decided to follow the dog home and knocked on Barton's door. He told him about the dog poop and Barton told him he would come clean it up. Barton brought over his pooper scooper and was cleaning up piles of poop, but was apparantely offended and was grumbling about stuff. Brad was a bit removed and just wanted the poop cleaned up without getting personal and so there was a bit of an argument. Brad was defending ME and my space and Barton was trying to explain that he did often come over and clean up, etc.. The argument ended with Barton calling Brad a dick and walking off in a huff back to his house. Brad filled me in when I came out to see what he was doing and I was immediately uneasy. I was worried that my newly established neighbor friendship had been ruined. Later in the evening, after I came home, I was out looking at the fence and watering my lawn. I saw Barton outside and called over for him to "check out my new fence", hoping to start up a dialog to kind of clear the air. He just looked at me and shook his head, picked up his dog and walked into his house. About 20 minutes later, he came back out and I called him over for a chat. He told me his side of the story and I just explained that I hadn't bad mouthed him specifically and that Brad must not have had all the information and must have been having a hard day. I tried to explain to him how much Brad worked and what his likely intention was. He was just pissed and frustrated, but he seemed to feel a bit warmer to me as I was sympathizing with him. I didn't want enemies. I really just wanted friendly neighbors and no dog poop on my lawn. A fence seemed the BEST remedy for the problem. I was feeling better about the issue until this morning when Brad came back to put up the gate. I talked to him again and he explained to me how someone had called his home phone, calling him a dick, until 2 AM in the morning the night before. As it sounded familiar, he suspected it was Barton and filed a complaint with the police department. He told me that he figured the only way Barton could have gotten his number would have been through ME. I told him that I absolutely did NOT give him his number and that Barton had told me how he looked him up online and found out that he was a building inspector, etc.. I was horrified that he would think that I had passed on his private information and really hope that he has enough sense to believe that I wouldn't do something like that. Ugh! Now, I'm in the middle of a small fued and I feel responsible to go over and explain AGAIN to Barton, that Brad wasn't being a total jerk. Brad was totally stressed, had a sick son who was in the hospital last night and really, really didn't appreciate seeing someone else's dog pooping on my lawn. He was protecting ME and my right to enjoy my yard. I'm a little disgusted with Barton right now and don't like the fact that he would be so juvenile about the issue. It's over and done and he should just drop it. It's fascinating to see how people will act when they don't have all the information and when they make false assumptions. I'm pretty certain that if Barton understood Brad, he wouldn't have felt as he did and vice versa. Brad wasn't aware that Barton DID come over to clean up poop often. He didn't clean it up the minute his dog left a pile, but he was responsible and made an effort to keep my lawn cleanER.

Brad made an effort to talk to Barton again this morning, but Barton refused to hear him or even acknowledge his presence. I hope that I have better luck and that I can give Barton a little insight into a scenario that he may not have completely understood, without him resenting me in the process.

How I Feel ..... NOW

2008-08-20T19:11:00.003-06:00

SURPRISE!!!

2008-08-17T12:50:00.011-06:00

Many, many, many years ago, my friends Michelle and Kim, polka dotted my house on my birthday. I think we were still in high school. I thought it was so nice and though I was a little embarrassed that it drew attention to my parents house, which I always hoped people didn't ever notice, it made me feel good that they would have gone to the effort of cutting out round shapes of colored paper, which they found a way to adhere to my house.

This year I made a joke to Michelle about polka dotting my house for my birthday as a way to reference THAT day. Michelle took me to breakfast this morning and as I was getting ready, I thought I heard someone park and come through my gate. I waited for the door bell, but didn't hear it, so I assumed it must have been my neighbors. About 5 minutes later, I finally did hear a ding. When I opened the door, I saw Michelle standing there with a huge smile on her face, holding a present and I noticed that my door had been colorfully polka dotted.

This totally made my day. I love how thoughtful Michelle is and how she went to so much effort to make my day special. She brought me over two cards from Lucy and Violet with beautiful works of art. Lucy drew me a potato and a picture of she and I together. Violet drew me a very scary scarecrow and a witch. I'm thinking she has Halloween on the brain. They made me smile! Thanks for making my morning so sweet!

Happy birthday Me!

AND THEN..... See, this is why Michelle gets that title of BFF. She is so sweet. She's been worried about me all day, because my mom is out of town and I had some plans that didn't pan out, so she stepped in. She and Jacob and the kids came over later in the afternoon. Jacob mowed my lawn (seriously .. SO nice!!!), while Meesh and I sang karaoke and then they let me come to dinner with them at Red Robin. They even hooked me up with a free birthday mud pie. I love being with Michelle and her family. I love the chaos of the kids and the familiarity between she and Jacob. I love that Violet will put her hands on her hips to get her point across that she REALLY needs to go potty. I love the way Lucy takes charge of Violet and gets her to do anything she wants. I love the way Jacob tries to sit in the back seat with the kids so I can sit up front (not that I let him). It was a nice day and I'm so grateful that I have good, good friends who love me so much.

Thank you for my very nice day!

I Think I Might Be Poor

2008-08-15T00:18:00.009-06:00

Let me first make the acknowledgment that I absolutely SHOULD be in bed sleeping right now so that I can be fresh faced in the morning as opposed to the face I've shown my co-workers over the last two days, which resembles that of a woman who has been in labor for 72 hours and pumped full of so many drugs that her face is five times its original size. The reflection looking back at me in the mirror is almost too horrifying to cope with. I'm retaining water, but only under my eyes. Gallons of it from what it feels and looks like. It's pitiful and truly uncomfortable, both physically and socially. My self esteem is waning. I don't feel like I should even smile, because it woudln't match how I look. How I look most definitely resembles how I feel. That's good old Teresa, being true to form and broadcasting her feelings all over her face. I did go out and buy a $20 bottle of "cooling" eye gel from Origins today that is supposed to de-puff my eyes. We shall see. I'm hoping it will make me a better liar.

So, onto what I was actually going to write about, which is the fact that I think I might be poor. It just dawned on me that I feel rich when I have over $200 in my bank account. THAT is NOT rich! I think that as long as I have money left in the bank by the time my next paycheck hits that I'm doing well. WHERE did this thinking come from? That is called, living paycheck to paycheck. Holy shit! That sucks! I'm bloody poor! I grew up poor. Very poor. The kind of poor where our house was on the chopping block so to speak and where we were close to losing it many times. The kind of poor where my mom made macaroni and cheese with tuna for many meals and I thought it was just because she thought it was a good recipe. The phrase "we just can't afford it right now", was used often and I can remember the excuse my mother would give door to door salesman, which was... "my husband is in construction and we just don't have any extra cash right now". Well, gosh... $200 must be some serious EXTRA cash in my book, because I've been feeling like Trump. Never mind the fact that I completely missed my government rebate of $600, because my expenses far exceeded my income. I had been waiting and waiting and finally decided to call the IRS to find out exactly where my check was. Ya, they deposited it back in May. That was the $600 that I was going to use towards Hawaii that I no longer have. I feel robbed in a way, but I was robbed by myself and my inability to come to terms with the reality that I'm not a wealthy person.

I didn't need this awakening today. I really don't need another failure to add to my pile right now. Being poor and not knowing about it was something I could cope with, but being poor and you know... being totally aware of it, is depressing. I liked living with the illusion that I had money and freedom.

Where did my hope go? I used to have this enduring faith that things would work out and that I'd have a clear path to all that I wanted in life. Today, right now, I feel like I'm being teased and I swear I hear distant laughter.

I'm Just a TAD Overwhelmed

2008-08-12T18:30:00.003-06:00

Stuff I gotta do ... TONIGHT!

1. Go check on animals at my parents house to make sure my father isn't killing them while my mother is away.
2. Eat, so that I don't die.
3. Come back to work and finish up things at work that I really don't enjoy doing. This one has a whole other list that would make this one laughable.
4. Try to remember to go to the store to buy toilet paper.
5. Fill my car up with gas so that I don't run out as it's WAY beyond empty. Maybe that should be number 1.
6. Figure out how to mow my lawn, before my landlord drives by and evicts me due to my apathetic yard care.
6A. Pick up dog poop AGAIN before I mow!
7. Go home and try to sleep so that I can get up and do it again tomorrow.

This is How I Feel Today...

2008-08-12T08:43:00.003-06:00

On Poop Patrol

2008-08-10T16:42:00.005-06:00

So..... I have a bit of a dog poop issue. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed since the warmer weather, because all the dogs in my neighborhood have decided that my front lawn is the BEST place to poop. I clean it up each time before I mow, but it's frustrating, because I cannot walk across my lawn without a lot of concentration. I'm always searching out new piles of poop, because I'm paranoid of stepping in it. I end up looking like a paranoid freak when I yell at people as they enter my lawn to just STOP, right where they are, as if they are about to step in quick sand. It's a chore. A few of my neighbors know their dogs use my lawn as a potty box and they do come over and pick up poop, but it is a never ending cycle and nobody can keep up.

The back yard used to be a safe place to walk, but now that my other neighbors (who share the duplex with me) have a new puppy, it is like a mine field of poo. They have showed very little interest in the puppy poop. As the puppy is, you know... a puppy, he poops wherever he is when the urge comes and often times this is right on the sidewalk. The same sidewalk that I use to get to my garage every day. The sidewalk that I use to get from my car to my house in the DARK most days. Negotiating a sidewalk that could be littered with fresh piles of puppy poop, in the dark, is not so fun. I would think that my neighbors would think of this and maybe want to clean up the poop, but they just let it sit there. There was poop ALL over the yard and they told me before they left for a week and let me puppy sit for them that they would clean it all up. Um... they didn't do that. The puppy kennel was full of poop and flies and it was so gross. I finally broke down today and bought a pooper scooper and then used it to clean up the entire yard. I plan on giving them full access to it and it will come in handy for front lawn clean up as well, but I'm hoping it might inspire them to take their poop a little more seriously.

I hate to say it, but I judge people by how they handle dog poop. Are they the kind of people who will make sure they have a poop baggie with them when they go to public places or are they the kind of people who will just pretend they did not see their dog taking a poop and will just leave it? I have enormous respect for people who bend over and work diligently to get every last bit of a steaming pile of poop. They get huge points in my book for their willingness to deal with poop in public. The people who leave it.... I would hope I don't know any. It's no different than someone throwing trash out their car window. It's just tacky.

Keeping Up With Jones

2008-08-08T20:34:00.006-06:00

This is Jones. He is my neighbor's puppy and I've been watching him over the last week. He is such a sweet, lovable dog and I want to steal him, take a week off of work to potty train him and make him an indoor dog. He's very smart and really likes people. It breaks my heart to know he will grow up to be forgotten and will eventually be neglected and isolated. He's too good a dog to suffer that fate. At any rate.. Jones and I have been having a lot of fun together. I spend whatever available time I have with him outside, which means I've suffered a few more bug bites, but he needs me. He likes to sit in my lap and if I'm laying down, he likes to crawl on my tummy and take naps. There is nothing sweeter than a sleeping puppy when you can feel their breath on your face. I know some of you would think that was gross, but I love how puppy's smell and I love to cuddle with them. A baby is a baby and I don't see much difference between a baby human and a baby animal. It will be very hard to give him back.

Jones being naughty and walking through the garden...

He likes this strange position though it looks like his legs are broken.

I'm Number One

2008-08-05T06:38:00.004-06:00

I was at dinner last night with my parents. After the meal, the waitress brought the check and 3 mints. My mom handed my father the check and began to divide up the mints. I noticed that the one in front of me was a little chipped. My mom noticed too and she quickly grabbed it and gave me a good one. My attention shifted for a minute and when I looked again, I noticed that she had given the broken mint to my father. If you knew my mother, this isn't a typical behavior for her. She would normally have taken the broken one for herself. It made me laugh so hard that I had to call her out on it. She absolutely admitted to knowingly and deliberately giving it to my dad. He wasn't all that happy that I had passed him up in the ranks. I tried to explain to him that being 3rd really wasn't all that bad.

It Makes Me Happy

2008-08-03T13:48:00.008-06:00

I woke up crabby today. I have a lot to do and little time to do it in, which only seems to hang me up so that I don't actually DO what it is I need to do. At any rate, I caught a tiny wind and started doing a few things and then got the idea that an iced mocha from the Beans and Brew around the corner would get me so high that I'd turn myself into Wonder Woman and be even more motivated. Oddly, it did not have that affect on me. Normally, I'm buzzing around like I'm on crack, but instead, I laid down for just a few seconds and that turned into a few minutes, which eventually worked into about an hour. I finally forced myself out of bed when I realized that my iced mocha, which was sitting on my night stand, was sweating and dripping on a surface that was not meant to repel moisture. Since I was up, I got online JUST to check ... ? I can't even remember what seemed so important to check. Anyway, I was the opposite of motivated and upbeat and I ran out of things to check and eventually found myself on Dooce's blog. I haven't read it in a few weeks and much to my delight, I found an entry (see here) that reminded me of why I like reading her so much. It made me laugh and now I think I'm ready to try and finish my to do list in the less than two hours I have remaining, before I have to hit a b-day party that will take up the rest of my evening. Grandmas only turn 80 once. I'm thinking I will write down all the things I need to do on a piece of paper, put them in a hat and let fate decide what gets accomplished today.

Ode to Jeff

2008-08-01T16:46:00.007-06:00

In honor of my good friend Jeff and this very special day (his 25th birthday), I'm going to do what I love most, which is to think of all the great things I appreciate about him and make it public.

Jeff is a member of a very elite club, the "nice guys club". If they had a president, he would be it. He is respectful of women, knows how to listen, can flirt in a way that makes you feel good rather than icky, can sense when something is wrong and knows when and when not to ask about it. He is supportive and protective in a big brother kind of way and is incredibly thoughtful and selfless. He's the kind of guy who will ask his sister to help him pick out clothes for your Christmas present, because you told him once that you love it when guys buy you stuff you can wear. Jeff is open and accepting and won't criticize anything about you unless he thinks it is something that isn't good for you. He is loyal to a fault and only lies when he's trying to make you feel better. He has a laugh so unique you could pick him out, blind, in a crowd. It's the kind of laugh that makes you smile when you hear it.

Besides being a great person and someone you really like to spend time with, Jeff is really smart. He used to be our IT guy at work and he was the best we have ever had and probably the best we ever will have. He's a tireless problem solver and his mind is always pulling in and processing new information. He's handy to have around, because he is a bit like an encyclopedia. He is amazingly resourceful and can carry on a conversation about most anything, because he knows about so many things. Jeff isn't the class clown type. He chooses his jokes very carefully and when he delivers one, it's a good one. He is very witty and funny and I have a spot in my memory bank devoted to Jeff's best lines. I know one in particular that happened at Chili's over some fajitas. He will have to work pretty hard to top that one.

On a more personal note, Jeff is someone who helped me through a very difficult time in my life. He helped me transition out of a self imposed isolation. He was easy enough to be with and made me feel comfortable enough that I started going to lunches with him. This was during a time that I wouldn't have considered going to lunch with anyone besides my best friend Michelle and my family. It helped that he was open to places that made me feel comfortable, like Kneaders, which I'm sure he got REALLY sick of. He didn't complain though and he thought my company was worth the unvarying lunching options, which made me feel good. Eventually, I poked my head out of my shell and today, Jeff is one of a select few people who I will sit through a movie with. If you really knew me, that is HUGE.

Like all people, I don't know if Jeff really knows how special he is. He's one of the greats and I'm very glad that he is my friend. I know I am better for knowing him.

Happy Birthday Jeff!!!

Love,

Teresa

Starting... NOW

2008-07-31T20:58:00.005-06:00

I am making myself a goal and I'm making it public for added motivation.

Starting tomorrow, my goal is to arrive to work by 8:00 AM and to LEAVE work no later than 7:00 PM. Whatever I cannot do between those hours will remain UNFINISHED and I will let it go.

I'll keep a tally on my blog of how many days I achieve my goal.

I'm hoping this will make me a happier person and less frustrated about the things I don't seem to accomplish in my life.

With that said... I'm going to bed now, so I can wake up early tomorrow. :)

What's your memory?

2008-07-28T21:14:00.001-06:00

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

A Festival Of .............

2008-07-26T13:30:00.006-06:00

I just spent about 30 minutes creating a festival of bitching for myself. After reading how unpleasant certain events in my life have been over the last two days, I decided I'd spare anyone else from having to actually read about it.

I could talk about the poor earwig, who lost his life as I washed my body with him, but that is dark and graphic and would probably scare readers. It certainly scared me, because it was definitely NOT on purpose. I would never knowingly wash my body with an earwig. That's disgusting!

ICK!

I could talk about lunch with my parents today. They are super, great, amazing, giving people. My dad is off today and my mom is being sweet and following him around on his quest for the PERFECT bag. My dad can get really animated and sort of hyper active at times. Especially if he has been cooped up, 12 hours a day for the last 4 days. I came out to work, so my mom thought it would be nice to meet me for lunch so she could have my dad buy my lunch. If she can't convince me to stop by the house for a free meal, she will do the second best thing and pay for it, because she has it in her mind that I'm low on cash, which I'm not. She likes to calculate how much money I spend on lunches every week and then remind me how much I could save by packing a lunch or eating at her house. Anyway, we met at Kneaders and my dad stood in line and read the entire menu OUT LOUD. When I started grimacing, my mother turned to him and yelled OUT LOUD for him to stop. She was both irritated by his slightly obnoxious behavior, but more importantly, she was concerned with my irritation to his slightly obnoxious behavior, which is what ultimately caused her to act on my behalf. Instead of being grateful for her intervention, I was completely irritated with both of them. I often feel like I'm out with a kid and his mom when I go out with my parents. My dad can't just walk up and order what he wants and then quietly make his way to a table. My mom can't just let it be and quietly roll her eyes with a seriously annoyed look on her face like I do. She just adds more fuel to the fire by elevating her voice so that everyone in the restaurant knows that she's irritated with my dad. She also can't just let me BE and not try to fix everything, even when it's just FINE. I wrapped up the other half of my sandwich and she had to ask if it would "keep" in the wrapper or if they had a "to-go" box. Can't I be the one in charge of thinking that through? They both have the best of intentions, but today.. I think I just wanted everyone to talk in a whisper. My parents don't whisper. They don't hear well enough to.

So, here I sit at work... avoiding work. To delay it a few more minutes, I'll get up from my computer, walk downstairs and fill up my water jug with someone else's purified water.

Here Comes the Rain

2008-07-22T22:22:00.004-06:00

It's raining outside and it couldn't have come at a better time. I was feeling like one of those clouds, all swollen and full and ready to burst, but... just waiting. I've been staring at my wall for the last .. oh.. two hours or more.

Yesterday my neighbors asked me to stop by their barbecue tonight. They said they had invited over a bunch of old college friends and that it would be fun and would I like to come. I told them I'd try to make it if I didn't have to work. Well, as I left work early tonight, I needed to kill some time so that it wasn't obvious that I was avoiding their shindig. I decided to catch a 5:00 showing of The Dark Knight, which was a great choice, because it kept me occupied until after 8:00. That made me well beyond fashionably late and instead of stopping by to say hello, I just kept my head down and made a mad dash for my door. I wasn't feeling social at all and really didn't think I had it in me to navigate my way through my "Married Mormon Neighbor Social Glitch Syndrome" or MMNSGS. For some bizarre reason, I lose all my social skills when confronted with these neighbors. I like them. I think they are sweet and warm and friendly, but I just cannot find a common groove with them and it causes me to take a social nose dive. The conversation could be 1 minute or 10. Doesn't matter. I wish I had a hidden camera so that I could record the expressions on their faces. I feel this pressure to fill in the silent moments and so I talk more than I need to and often things just come out that shouldn't. I really cannot put my finger on it, but I don't know how many more dinner invitations I can dodge with them. I think it would be torture to have to sit for a meal while I over share all night and watch in horror as they file me away in the minds as a special case in need of their fellowship. Ugh!

OOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo crap! I'm scared. I like RAIN ... um... but I don't like lightening. I want to hide under something and cover my ears.

The Piss Ant - Pissant

2008-07-18T19:07:00.004-06:00

My mom was talking to me about some ants that had been coming into her house. She told me they were just little piss ants and I laughed so hard. I was like... "Mom, there is no such thing as a piss ant. That's just used as an insult." Well, it looks like there actually IS something called a piss ant (pissant). See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pissant

I was thinking about pissy things in general, which is why I thought to look it up. It seems so many people around me are pissed off or just not coping well with life. I count myself among these people. My work is a never ending cycle of being behind and feeling mentally worn and not in control of things that should just run smoothly. My personal life blends SO heavily with my work life, because so many of the people who are close to me actually work with me. This tends to cause a lot of shared headaches. Under normal circumstances, when you hear someone venting their frustrations, they tend to be fairly separate from your own and so you can listen somewhat removed from the problem. In my case, I vent with friends who are co-workers and vice-versa. Instead of helping to cool the fire, it tends to just ignite it more, because all the issues tend to bleed into each other and it's just one, big, fiasco. That last line would have sounded so much better with a big F bomb in the middle of it, but I'm holding back. Just know that I'm saying it out loud, RIGHT now. Whew! Much better.

Instead of feeling pissy and frustrated and ungrateful, I know I should be thinking about all the great things in my life. Maybe I'll give it a try and see if by the end of this post I don't feel any better...

I'm grateful for...........

My cat Scooter. He really loves me. I mean.. REALLY loves me and I know he loves me more than anyone else. It's nice to feel singled out and trusted and he had to come a long way to get there. When I first found him, he was wild and afraid of people. He wouldn't even let me look at him. I left him food and would bring it closer and closer to the house until he finally let me reach out and touch him. He is not even close to the same cat today. He is an example of why I love animals so much. They will let you in if you give them good reason to. It makes you never want to let them down.

The water guy John, who was so nice to me today. He gave me one of the nicest compliments and it was really genuine and caught me off guard. It made me feel noticed and acknowledged for me. I like it when strangers can do that.

My brother Justin. He is a very good, big brother and I kind of like knowing that he'd mess up anyone who tried to hurt me. We don't talk a lot, but I like that when we do, he can be open with me and that makes me feel good.

My neighbors' new puppy. I'm grateful that there is a sweet, adorable, 6 week old puppy in my back yard who I can steal and carry around like a baby. He's sweet and has blue eyes and likes to snuggle in my hair. It's an instant mood elevator. He smells sweet too and he ate his dinner tonight with the help of his stuffed animal dog who hung his head over the food bowl. It seems dinner is far more exciting when friends are invited.

Jeremy. He is good when he's good. He has a very open sense of humor and does silly things to make me giggle. He's a pathetic artist, but will create comic works of art worthy of framing. He is a great listener when he knows you need it and he likes to make other people feel good. He's the type of guy who goes golfing at 6:30 in the morning, because someone asked him to and he really, really..... HATES mornings. He can carry on some of the best conversations of anyone I know and he's never boring. If you take the time to pick his brain, you will find some really amazing things.

Tom Harrison. He is like family to me. One of the most enjoyable people to be in a room with. He always lights up the day, even if he's in a bad mood, which is rare. The worst thing Tom can do is stare off into space and ignore you or steal your chocolates. Best thing is that he has a way of being able to recognize you for who you are by doing very little. He's so easy going and lovable.

So.. that's kind of where I wanted to stop and I just realized that everything I'm grateful for has a penis. I don't know HOW that happened. I'm grateful for a lot more people in my life than this list, but this just came out and I'm finding that really interesting. Huuuummmmm??? Strange. If you are female and did not find yourself on the list, just consider it a strange phenomenon.

Do I feel any better? Maybe a little. I've gone from a 7 to a 4 on the pissy scale. (1-10)

It looks like making a gratitude list really worked. Thanks Oprah!

It's Muggy In Here

2008-07-16T19:07:00.006-06:00

Why does heat make you so inactive? I got home, walked upstairs, turned my cooler to "pump", turned on my computer and finished up my conversation on the phone with my mom. After that, I got distracted by something online and I've been sitting at my computer for the last 40 minutes or so in about 80 degrees WITH humidity and NOT turning on my cooler. It just dawned on me that I was actually HOT. It's like I was just stuck here and couldn't move and my brain re-wired itself to ignore how hot I was. Now I just want to breath a nice, deep breath of cool, fresh air. I'm so annoyed with myself!

Not That I'm Surprised...

2008-07-15T13:43:00.002-06:00

Looks like I'm rated...

Created by OnePlusYou

I used the following words:

Pain (11x)
Ass (7x)
Shit (6)
Sex (4)
Steal (2)
Torture (1)

When the Walls Are Too Thin

2008-07-14T22:36:00.004-06:00

My neighbors have got to think that I'm really ..... um ..... odd.

I got home from work tonight and I was feeling a little stressy, so I decided I'd get out my mini trampoline, put on some good tunes and "trampdancercize". It's a combo of dance and jumping on my super cool mini tramp. While I was doing my thing, a few good songs came on and I had to sing while I was moving around like an idiot. When I sing, I sing with plenty of volume, especially when the music is loud enough to dance to, because I have to compete with the speakers to hear myself. Anyway, about half way through, I noticed a beetle bug crawling around in the corner. I let him be until he started making his way into the middle of the room and as I didn't want to accidentally step on him.. ewwwwwwww... I picked him up and took him outside. Mind you, I had been singing REALLY loudly just moments before, to new music that I did not quite know all the words to, so there was a lot of improvising. As I opened my door, there stood my neighbors, right outside my living room. They startled me, so I screamed one of my best pitchy screams and quickly slammed the door. When I reopened it, they smiled and introduced me to their new puppy. I shut the door so I could play with him a bit and that's when I noticed just how loud my music was. I had a pretty good idea that they heard me singing. Not a big deal, except that you don't actually come off looking cool when people catch you singing by yourself. It's like someone walking in on you in the bathroom. It's just a private moment. I felt slightly violated, but it wasn't their fault. At least now I know how thin my walls really are.

To add to the awkward moment, I did that thing where you offer up information that you wouldn't normally say to people. I was feeling awkward and the puppy made me baby hungry so I made a comment about my eggs drying up, because I'm 30. Seriously? WHY would I say that? I didn't even give it a good lead in and I didn't really MEAN it. My eggs are probably fantastic. It wasn't so much WHAT I said, but the entire dynamic of the conversation and just believe me.. it was NOT the thing to say and I think I'll just ignore my neighbors forever now. I can't handle the pressure of talking to a married, Mormon couple. I need to take a class or something. They were really nice and didn't seem THAT annoyed, but I bet they went into their house and laughed and then maybe said a prayer for me. OH, the SHAME!!!

Give Me Your Blood......

2008-07-12T10:07:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, my company hosted its third blood drive. They have all been initiated by one of my favorite people in the world, Tom Harrison. He's a co-worker who is much like a second father to me. He's also a very good, very giving person. That is, when he's not calling your cell during your lunch, AFTER you have already ordered and asking you if you wouldn't mind getting back in the very long line and picking him up something too. Ok.. let 's put it this way, Tom is an idea man. He thinks of ways to make things happen and then he asks someone else to do them. So, basically... he's just a male, but he's good to the core. Back to the point... we had our third blood drive yesterday.

Many of you already know this story, but I'd like to tell it again, because yesterday, I felt humiliated about it for the first time in two years. During our first blood drive, two years ago, we had a goal of about 20 donations. We were falling really short and only had about 8 people committed to donating. I am TERRIFIED of losing my blood. I can deal with shots so it isn't the needle per say, but the idea that blood is leaving my body. I sometimes even get weirded out during that "time of the month", because I think that this just shouldn't be happening to me. I need that to be IN my body. As we were falling short and I had this great phobia, I thought maybe I'd step up and try to conquer my fear while doing a good thing. I have an amazing vein in my right arm, so I handed it over while I turned all my attention to the left. I had Tom holding my hand, while another tech was keeping me occupied by asking me questions and talking about her life. I just tried to focus on anything BUT the fact that blood was literally draining from my body. (** side note: I'm totally squirming as I tell this story.) Ok.. so I was doing really well and I filled up the bag (a whole pint) and then they took out the needle. I was SO proud of myself. At this point the girl who was talking to me started to handle the blood bag that was underneath me. This was MY blood bag and she lifted it up right in front of MY face so I could see ALL the blood that I no longer had in my body. It took about 20 seconds for me to feel like I was going to vomit. They all assured me that I'd be just fine and that I would not throw up. I didn't. About a minute later, I started telling them that I was going to pass out and they said, once again, that I would not and I'd be fine and the next thing I knew... everything was black. As I was coming to, it felt like I was under water. My hearing came first and it was garbled and muffled and then as I was gaining back my other sensations, I felt cold on my chest and back where they had put ice packs on me and this very warm sensation down below. Before I even had my sight back, I had suspected that maybe I'd peed my pants. I started yelling... "I think I peed my pants.". When I did get my sight back, I looked down and lo and behold... I HAD peed my pants. All I could do was continue to make light of it, because seriously... HOW could that actually happen? I just went to the bathroom right before I donated and believe me.. what came out of me was not just a dribble. I was COVERED from my knees to above my hip. My jeans were obviously very absorbent. When you pass out, people don't just ignore you. You tend to draw attention to yourself. Just imagine me sitting in a cot, all the way reclined, white as a ghost and my pants completely soaked in PEE. I was mortified as soon as I quit screaming it to everyone. They were kind and gave me a towel to put over myself, but my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize, so they had to give me an IV. I was FREEZING and sitting in my own pee for about an hour and a half until I was able to get up and have my friend Cathy drive me home. I walked out of the office with a towel wrapped around me while I waved goodbye to a big group of my co-workers. It was loads of fun.

After the incident, I decided I'd better just come clean at work so that people weren't talking behind my back and making fun of me. I was pretty open about it and I just pretended like it was no big deal, which is how I feel about it now. I'm not shy about sharing the experience and I don't really find it humiliating anymore. This brings me to yesterday, our 3rd blood drive. I helped organize both the 2nd and 3rd blood drives and have yet to step up to give blood again for obvious reason. I haven't recognized any of the same people from the first drive and so I just figured they had a lot of people who worked there. After yesterday's drive, I was talking to one of the vampires (phlebotamists) and she gave me a total count for the day (21 - woo, hoo!!). She then went on to tell me how this was her third time at PSE. I was a little stunned, because I didn't really remember her from before. I looked at her and said, "uh.. so you must remember me, hu?". She looked at me and said VERY enthusiastically... "Yes, I do. And I know why you didn't donate today." It turns out that I AM humiliated about the experience when I know that someone else was actually there to witness it. I can SAY I peed my pants and that is one thing, but when someone SAW me pee my pants... UMMMMMMM..... WAY more humiliating. I also realized that she was probably privy to the thank you card I sent to the people who helped me, in which I apologized for peeing their cot.

Scratch That

2008-07-09T06:26:00.003-06:00

I'm up early. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop peeing all night. Normally, if I wake up early, I'll still be able to fall back asleep about the time my alarm goes off and it will end up a normal day, because I'll still arrive to work well beyond regular working hours. I could just get up and get ready right now, but my house is FREEZING and I'm not all that keen on being naked in my COLD, COLD house. I used to love the cold and I had no tolerance for heat. Now, I'm becoming quite the opposite. I'm always cold and when I go to visit my mom, who has central air, I have to borrow a coat or go sit in the sun every 20 minutes to warm up.

I woke up thinking I'd take pictures of my cute flower pots and then post them, but it seems dawn is not the best time for flowers. They don't wake up until later, kind of like me. I'm a bit disappointed, because I really love my flowers. They make me happy and I've been meaning to show the world how cute they are. I'll have to scratch that idea for today.

I guess I'll get myself REALLY hot with the hair dryer and then try to brave the shower.

As I Wait for My Melatonin to Kick in

2008-07-06T00:33:00.003-06:00

I know, everyone else posts while they are on Ambien or some other incredibly powerful sleeping pill and I post while on Melatonin. It's powerful to me and that's all you need to know. I'm already feeling the buzz and if I were speaking.. it would be slurred. I just snored a bit. Really. Awake snoring has to be way worse than asleep snoring.

Today, I wished I had brought my camera with me. I helped my mother bathe all 3 of her cats on the lawn. We rigged up the hose to the washing machine so it was a warm bath and then captured them all and hosed them down. This proved to be much more efficient than trying to hold a cat still in the slippery sink while they try to claw at anything that will give them leverage. More often than not, they find that leverage in your arm or boob or some piece of flesh. Turns out the grass works well as a substitute scratching post. It was very comical and cats always look so funny when you get them wet. You realize how much of their body shape is really just airy hair. We did my cat Scooter first and then stuck him in the dog crate to dry while we did the other two, because otherwise, he will attack the other cats. Jack is really whiny and cries like a baby over anything. When Scooter hears his yowling, he goes nuts and tries to attack him. I think he must mistake it for being called out. He's a little over amped and eager to fight. Last year when I was living with my parents, I woke up to this really awful screaming. I walked into the kitchen to find my mother chasing after Jack. She was trying to get him in the cat carrier to take him to the vet and she was simultaneously trying to get Scooter in a carrier too. Jack was crying again... see what I mean by being a baby?.. anyway, he was crying and as my mom was trying to shove him in the carrier on top of the counter, Scooter jumped up and tried to attack him. The carrier fell off the counter and Jack ran for his life and hid downstairs while Scooter chased him. It was quite the scene. My mom was in tears and I was in stitches.

And now... I'm in la, la land. Must be time to attempt sleep again. I just cannot stretch my legs. I'm having nightmares about getting another charlie horse. I'm such a wimp. They totally suck though. Everyone should be required to experience one at some point in their life so they know what I mean.

A List

2008-07-05T11:03:00.003-06:00

I was thinking about all the boys that Michelle has dated who I had a crush on. I thought I'd make a list.

1. Nate Madsen - Technically.. we all loved him and I knew him first. Michelle just kissed him first.
2. Clayton Miller - He gave me a tennis lesson once and I wore my best new pair of shorts with stripes on them. Looking back.. I can't believe I thought they were cute.
3. Denny Bird - Another guy we (Michelle, Kim & Teresa) all loved. He kissed both Michelle and Kim and I was the friend.
4. Jeremy Lindley - He and I took Spanish and Farm and Ranch together. He wasn't very nice to me. Can't recall why I thought he was so great.
5. Stanford Richins - Ended up being my best friend, but I wished and wished that our relationship could be something a lot more substantial, like husband and wife. Now, I'm glad it didn't end up that way, but I still miss hiking with him and him risking my life and then telling me about it after the fact.

Huuuummmmm.... I guess that's it. That isn't as bad as I thought. Considering how many guys Michelle actually dated in her life, I'd say that is maybe 10%. So, we have the same taste in men about 10% of the time.

Chasing Horses

2008-07-05T00:25:00.009-06:00

No, this is not my mind blowing post. I will confess that I actually forgot what I was going to write about that was so great. This is one of those posts that happens far too late at night and is due to spending the entire day alone, with the exception of a few minutes spent petting a couple of cute cats. I managed to ignore the fireworks again and spent the day working and catching up on Men In Trees episodes. Truly... that is a great place for them.. in trees, like little birdies. They can still poop on you from there too. :)

I did my first walk at the Park this morning. It was nice to get out and I was so proud of myself, because I thought it was 2 miles around the park only to find out that it's actually 1.25 miles. I walked, because I'm out of shape and thought it would be wise to start slow. I came back after and took a tiny nap and when I woke up and stretched, I got a charlie horse in my leg. I'm ever so careful of stretching my right leg a certain way upon waking, because it tends to seize up on me often, but it has never happened to my left leg. Poor leg. It hurts a lot and all I can do is force myself to relax and breath and wait until it lets up. Now, I'm afraid to even move my leg in bed. It's so hard to control that stretching reflex and it feels SOOOOOOO good. I feel punished by my body!

Speaking of horses... I have been thinking about riding again. I have been getting the urge for an adrenaline rush, which I haven't experienced in a long time. I get it from exercise, especially from hiking and pushing myself up a mountain and I used to get it from riding. The horse becomes this much larger extension of yourself and it is almost as if you gain all that power and strength and it gives you this freedom of motion you can't get by yourself. I really miss that. I don't miss cleaning stalls and I don't miss brushing down a horse and picking their feet. After doing that to as many horses as I have, it really loses its charm. If I were rich, I'd be one of those people who pays someone else to tack up my horse and bring her to me where I'd just hop on. When I was done, I'd give her back and say.. thank you!

I have a date tomorrow for a horse bath. My parents still have a little quarter horse named Susie and she is very dirty. I told my mom I'd come over and help her bathe her and if we felt really ambitious, we might try bathing the cats too.

Susie after a bath

While I'm Eating....

2008-07-01T13:46:00.002-06:00

I was going to post something so mind blowing while I eat, but I just realized that I don't actually have time. I also inhaled my Cafe Rio tostada in about 3 minutes, so I'm not actually eating anymore. I'm having aftershocks after running into a guy from high school who I had a HUGE crush on. Turns out, he's still cute and can still make me nervous enough to actually feel shaky. Probably why I gulped my food. Thanks Clayton!

Be warned... there is a mind blowing post in my future. :)

Don't Be Afraid....

2008-06-28T16:41:00.004-06:00

So... I hung out last night with my friend Tammy. She is loads of fun for anyone who has never spent time with her. We went to the Arts Festival, which was kind of lame in my opinion, especially compared to the Farmers Market, but that isn't my point. We went, the company was great and then we came back to my house and decided to rent a movie. Tammy has been bugging me to see the movie, "Signs" for a while. I know it's about aliens, which is why I've yet to see it. It is one of two things that will still spook me as an adult. I've given up the Boogie Man and that guy who has a hook on his hand and climbs on top of your car at night, waiting to jump on your windshield where he will reach in and kill you. I've given up the idea that serial killers are stalking me, but I've still retained a space in my brain that can ignite the fear of aliens and ghosts. Therefore... I do not see movies about them or talk about them. It was a really special exception that I made for Tammy, because she was SO excited for me to see the movie, which she has seen MULTIPLE times. I asked Tammy what she would do if I got really scared and she looked at me with this sweet face and said... "I'll hold you."

So.. we are both watching the movie in my bed, because that's where my TV is and I have retained control of the remote so I can mute and fast forward as I need to. The mute worked, but fast forward was a bust, so I just screamed a lot and covered my eyes during the parts where something was about to jump out at me or where I thought I'd have to see an alien body. Ugh! Anyway... turns out that the movie was not really that scary. The last scene where they actually show you the alien, was so lame! He didn't look anything like what my scary alien looks like. This alien was seriously stupid. The aliens of my nightmares are all knowing and they can read your mind and beam you up in your own room without a single soul detecting their presence. They might be skinny, but they have super strength and could blow on you and knock you down. This alien was a green freak that could be killed with a drop of water. COME ON!

The best part of the entire night..... After the movie, Tammy was too scared to go home and sleep by herself. I was kind and I let her sleep over and even told her she could leave the light on if she needed to.

The Cruel Things I Do To Cats

2008-06-25T23:07:00.007-06:00

I will admit that I sort of like dressing up my cats. When I was a kid, I used to dress up the dogs in my shirts and though they didn't love it, they tolerated it. My cats look so cute in clothing, but they act as if it immobilizes them and they can't move. I find it rather amusing but I know it's totally sick and twisted.

Scooter trying to look as masculine as possible in a ridiculous tee shirt.

Kit with her classic pirate look. Her eye is fine. She just does it to look cool.

Jack working his way up the cat post. It took him a good 3 minutes to figure it out with the shirt on. I should have helped him, but instead.. I got out the camera.

Why It Takes Me So Long To Get To Work

2008-06-25T22:34:00.003-06:00

I'm no early riser. I'm NOT a morning person. The other day, I woke up, looked in the mirror and found my reflection to be quite extraordinary. This is a morning after a particularly difficult night, but ... STILL... HOLY SHIT! Look at my hair.

Hung Up

2008-06-24T12:52:00.004-06:00

I don't know why, but whenever I find a mistake and I have to fix it, I get SO hung up about it. I instantly feel depressed and frustrated and I let fly out of my mouth... that word I like to use. I hate it when people make mistakes or make changes and then it ends up affecting multiple things. I hate having to back track to all the areas it will affect to make sure they get fixed. This is pretty much how my job works. I work in a system that connects to so many other areas of other systems and when one thing is wrong, it means that 5 things are wrong. I can handle fixing ONE thing, but I'm sick of chasing down the other 5. It's a mistake, you do your job, you fix it, etc. It's my reaction to it lately that is really bugging me. I hate that I'm so reactive to it. I hate that I can't go with the flow. I hate that I can't just let it blow by me and take it one step at a time and just fix it without it frustrating me so much. I resent the wasted time. I resent that nobody knows how much time it costs me. Not one mistake, not one change, but the multiple mistakes and changes that add up when people everywhere do what they do without knowing how it affects ME.

Today, I was very rude to a water filtration salesman. He had made an appointment with another girl at work and she was at a loss as to how he got her name. We already have a filtration system and I've been hounded by several sales people regarding a new one. I've told them repeatedly that I'm not interested and that I don't have the time. I did not know where this guy came from or if he was associated with that company, but I went down there anyway to tell him that he was not welcome. He looked like I'd kicked him in the balls and Heike looked a little stunned that I could be so bluntly rude. Part of me felt bad that I wouldn't have been a little warmer, but part of me was ok about just saying what I wanted to say, which was NO!

I'd like to be that person who is breezy and who just deals with life as if it's no big deal. I don't know if I have that in me. I'm not breezy by nature. I'm uptight. I'm detail obsessed. I'm having strange body twitches that are really freaking me out... holy! Just had a body earthquake. My entire chest twitched and if anyone just saw me, they would think I had some odd disease. Back to the point... I am ... not in a good mood. How can a person be breezy when they are pissy? Not such an easy thing to accomplish.

BURNT TOAST

2008-06-19T13:17:00.006-06:00

I'm there. I've reached that point where I don't know if I can go on another step. I'm SO exhausted, so mentally shorted, so emotionally numb when it comes to the place where I work. I've been squeezed so much and I have nothing left. I haven't had a vacation in years perhaps? I get really pissy when I hear other people talking about going to Hawaii or even just out of town with other people they like. I have plenty of vacation time saved up, but not really enough money to go and do something I would enjoy and not really anyone who is available to do it with me. I want to have enough money to go somewhere and enjoy myself to such a degree that I don't remember what is waiting for me back home.

I'm just so damn tired!

Keeping the Faith

2008-06-18T00:33:00.004-06:00

Let me start out by saying how truly, truly exhausted I am at this very moment. I have no idea why I would even consider staying awake to write this post, but... here I am.

I'm curious how many people have faith in other people. Do you think that all the people in the world who are a detriment to humanity will figure it out or do you believe that it's a lost cause and that society as a whole will continue to crumble?

I have a sort of enduring faith that people will eventually wake up and understand a better way. I also believe that sometimes the darkest parts of ourselves can lead us to the brightest parts. I certainly have had dark days and continue to experience set backs within myself, but I always climb out of it a little stronger, a little more in charge of myself and a little more sure of what is right. I think that negativity can often be a catalyst for positive change and a deeper sense of what is real and good.

That is what I believe. What do YOU believe?

Ode to Dad

2008-06-16T19:29:00.006-06:00

I wrote an Ode to Mom for Mother's Day and thought it would be fitting to do the same for my father. This one will be a little different as my relationship with my dad is different, but I have come to a point in my life where I see and accept my dad for who he really is. There was a good portion of my life where I might not have seen that so clearly. While my dad is certainly not perfect, he is an amazing person and I've had 30 years of experience to reference.

My dad is a big, gruff guy. He has biceps that require a special blood pressure cuff. He has forearms that look like Popeye. He's not a small man by any stretch of the imagination. He has a presence that can fill a room. Not in the sense that he demands attention or that he's loud, but he definitely sticks out in a crowd.

When I was a kid, I remember my dad coming home from work and he would always play games with me. My father is very competitive and he taught me to be competitive. He also taught me to be very strong and to be very hard headed. Some of that may just be that I inherited many of his personality traits, but I also learned some. Dad and I fight to the death and we have literally been so competitive at times to get in the last word that we have gone to the extreme of yelling it and then running OUT the door (me) while the other person went to the window (him) to yell it back. I, of course, was making a mad dash for my car, so I could pretend I didn't hear him. It doesn't matter how minuscule the point is, he and I will fight over the issue and make claims that often have no merit other than the amount of desire we both have for it to be one up on the other person. This all happens mostly with laughter in the background. Sometimes tears are involved (me), but as I've gotten older, I've learned how to beat him more often, so the tears don't flow so easily.

Beyond the fun and games and laborious competition, my father is a very good man. He is the guy who will shovel the entire street with his machine in the winter when the plows are too slow. He is the guy who drove over 3,600 miles to bring my horses out to school. He repeated it again a few months later when I decided that I wanted to quit and he didn't hold it against me and he never questioned me. He is one of the most accepting people in the world. My dad takes people at face value.

My dad is great at making sure you don't die. I was at home one afternoon and I was cleaning the kitchen. I'm ever so slightly anal retentive and I was cleaning out the crumbs from the toaster. As I flipped the bottom of the toaster open, it sliced my thumb and I was bleeding profusely. Ok.. it wasn't THAT bad, but for me.. it felt like a mortal wound. My dad had just walked out the door a few seconds before it happened so I ran out the door with a towel on my finger to flag him down and he came in the house to assess the situation with a sincere look of concern. I couldn't look at it, because I knew I'd see my bones or all the squiggly things one has in their finger. I was kneeling down on the floor with my hand above my head on the counter, screaming and crying like an idiot. He looked it over, cleaned it, put a bandage on it and fixed me up. I nearly lost consciousness due to the high volume of "perceived" blood loss, but he talked me through it and I'm alive today because of it. It's one of my best "dad took care of me stories".

My dad taught me how to do a few things like hammer a nail, drive a post into the ground and operate most of his machines. Much of what I learned was just by following him around and pestering him to show me, but I always wanted to be like my dad. I thought he was the coolest person alive when I was a kid. He could do just about anything and what he couldn't, he still thought he could so I was totally convinced. My dad is an artist and is always uncovering new talents and abilities. From sculpting rocks to photography to the finish work he and my brother do on the homes they build. He isn't afraid to try anything. He even took a hip hop class at the gym and was a faithful student for many weeks. Always in the back, a few steps behind everyone else, but having fun all the same. He's been pestering me to go to the bar to sing karaoke with him for a few years now. We sing our duets at home, but I'm the one who is a little fearful to take it public. He's already done a solo.

My dad and I are similar in temperament, but different in thought process. I hug cats and he chases them. I like garden burgers and he likes sausage. I drive a foreign car, he's totally opposed to them. We are like night and day in so many ways, but in spite of the fact that my dad has poor taste in food and refuses to make his secret affection for cats public, I do love him dearly. I can be in a horrible mood and then I hear my dad laughing from the television room at the stupidest comedy. It always puts me in a good mood, because he has a great, infectious, ridiculous laugh, which come to think of... I think I may have inherited my ability to laugh from him too. Thanks dad for all you are and for being who you are in my life.

Love,

Your Favorite Daughter :)

Space, Time and Boobs

2008-06-10T15:16:00.003-06:00

How do you deal with problems?

Are you a space and time person or do you push through them head on?

I don't remember what train of thought I was on or what my point to this post was, other than I was worried about someone I know who is having what seems to be a difficult week. He is one to put MILES of distance between himself and other people when he is struggling and it makes me feel helpless. I have an apparent need to be his shoulder. Could be one reason I stuck his face in my breast. I must have a mother figure complex with him. ?? Can't figure it out.

I Say *@#%... SO WHAT?

2008-06-04T19:24:00.005-06:00

It's true. I say it. That four letter word that begins with the magic letter "F". I try to keep it in check for the most part, because I know it offends many innocent minds, but if I think I'm alone and I let it go and someone happens to have heard me.. guess what? I kind of don't care. Today I was in the server room, late at night, talking to another co-worker on the phone. It was loud in the server room and I was frustrated that I couldn't get the monitor to work and he was equally as frustrated about his day, so I let loose and vented in that way that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER. The door was cracked a bit and after I had used the "word" in about every way I could think of, another employee poked his head in to see what was going on. It was a guy who is SO incredibly conservative. He once told me that he thinks "Heavenly Father" cares what language I use. I argued just the opposite. I realized at that moment that I have expended a lot of energy in the last couple of years to paint myself in a light that he is more comfortable with. We talked religion once and he thought for a good year that I was an active Mormon. He seemed so disappointed when I told him that I didn't believe in the church. I found myself feeling like I had let down my own father or something. I don't know why I care. Why would I feel the need to appease someone else so as not to disappoint their own expectations of me that I have no obligation to meet? This all flew through my mind rather quickly and as he smiled at me with a bewildered look on his face, I just smiled back and said.. "Hey!".

I don't have a problem NOT using cuss words around other people. It is technically impolite and there is no reason to throw around words that would upset someone else. What I do have a problem with is when I catch myself actually altering my personality for the sake of someone else's comfort or to keep more in line with what I think their world view is. I tend to be ultra sensitive and I pick up on criticisms or irritations that I hear people make of others and then I try REALLY hard not to be in that group. One thing that I really like about myself is that I am VERY accepting of other people. I don't give a crap what they wear and I'm pretty accepting of other people who are socially challenged. I don't like to make fun of people and the only time I catch myself doing that would be when I think someone is trying to make a power play. (See previous post.) I think I'm done being concerned about how my hair looks and if my shoes are ugly or not. I don't really give a shit. If I'm in a bad mood and it shows on my face.. it shows. If I'm exhausted and it shows on my face.. such is life. I don't care what other people think of the people in my life who are close to me. I don't care what other people think about my choices. I can't avoid being judged by others and many of the judgments that I worry will fall upon me are probably just in my head anyway. That's like being afraid of the boogie man and making a mad leap for your bed every night so that he doesn't get your feet from under the bed. What a stupid thing to waste my energy on!

The 50 Ft Horse

2008-06-02T13:03:00.003-06:00

Last night, I had a dream about this incredibly tall horse. I was in charge of riding it, but I couldn't reach its back to put a saddle on. It was tied up and I had to get a really big ladder. Even that didn't work and I sat there, several feet shy of its back, holding the saddle and thinking that I should just throw it up and hope it landed where it should. Eventually the saddle made it on to the back and then I was at a loss as to how I would get my feet in the stirrup. It was one of the weirdest dreams I have EVER had! I don't think I ended up ever riding it, but I did get the saddle on it. HUUUUMMMMMMM?????

Responsibility

2008-06-01T00:35:00.004-06:00

Everyone experiences pain. I sometimes get caught up in my own life and think that all the worlds ills lie in my lap. The pain I deal with for the most part, revolves around ... menstrual cramps and emotional turmoil over a relationship. It seems so trivial compared to the things that other people experience.

I talked to a woman today who had lost her daughter in a car accident and she was taking care of her grand daughter who was a constant reminder of what she lost. She was not well and may have been telling me awful stories to get my sympathy, but she was in REAL pain. She told me much more than that and it broke my heart and I felt helpless to help her, because her need was SO great. I bought her dinner and gave her a ride somewhere. I'm sure it didn't take away ANY of her pain, but at least she knew I cared. I hope she felt that anyway.

I watched a movie tonight about the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980's. War is so awful and it turns people into numbers that get forgotten. When you have death and cruelty on that large of a scale, people lose their identities and you become numb to how gross it all is. Every person who makes up that total number is struggling with their own pain and the consequences of their experience. That is a lot of pain. Mounds.

How do you decide how much responsibility you hold in the pain and struggles of others? How do you decide how much of another person's burden you should carry? How much should you DO for people who are suffering? Should I have taken in that woman and given her a place to stay? Helped her more financially and emotionally? I could have. I have an extra bedroom. What about the responsibility to people outside of the country we live in? What should we do as individuals to help? How much CAN we really help?

I'm feeling incredibly conflicted tonight. I believe in first taking care of myself and then taking care of others, which sounds incredibly selfish, but it makes sense. The more clear I am, the better able I am to help others around me. I also believe that the more light you gather, the more you can share. So, should I focus on the bees buzzing and the birds singing or do I drain my resources to give as many legs up as I can? Do I sacrifice myself to help someone else or do I have faith that small acts of kindness can make a larger impact? What is the word for what lies between selfless and selfish?

My New Bob

2008-05-27T21:19:00.005-06:00

Today, I decided I would cut my hair. I have been thinking about it for a few weeks and was considering going shortish, but today... I made a same day appointment, found a cut in a magazine that I liked, left work early and did this.....

The Beauty of it All

2008-05-25T23:59:00.003-06:00

Today, I saw a film that made me think. It was about a man who thought he knew who he was. For nearly 30 years, he had associated himself as this particular person and then his wife died. He continued to role play after her death. To keep her memory alive, he took on parts of her life that were never his own. He experienced something by way of accident that forced him to look at who he really WANTED to be. He was presented with many new choices and in the film, you were taken along with him in how each of those choices moved him towards healing and growth and openness. The film did not end like all fairy tales do. There was a sub-theme that was absolutely unjust. Other lives in the film were dramatically altered. What I found overwhelming about the film and what stuck out so much for me was the transformation of this man. He didn't do anything particularly dramatic. Everything that changed him was so slight and fine and yet the end result was a man who could take a very deep breath and maintain that ability through an experience that could have left him bitter and closed off.

This got me to thinking about change and growth in all people and how I think it is one of the most beautiful aspects in life. It can be very subtle or very dramatic, but regardless of the path it takes, when a person arrives at the desired destination and they are better for it, I think it is one of the most beautiful things.

Mistakes happen to all people. People feel pain. We are all at choice as to how we deal with the consequences of our actions and the way in which we transform those into something ultimately more negative or more positive. I think I often get misunderstood as a cynic at times, because I have the ability to accept situations as they are. In reality, I am one of the most hopeful people I know. I believe in healing and I believe in the idea that ALL people are supported when they work towards it, if only they allow it. Support doesn't always have to look like what you think it should. Being open to it and the way it can come into your life is an invaluable tool. It opens the door to opportunities that can bring you peace and understanding. This is something that I will always believe in and something that I will always find beautiful.

Vivir La Vida Grandes

2008-05-19T08:59:00.004-06:00

*@#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Translated into English... this obscenity means... I just spent $72 on overdraft fees, because I was too forgetful last night to login to my bank and transfer money from savings to checking and everything I knew that was going to hit, before I cashed my check, DID hit as well as a few things I forgot. My favorite thing about it is the fact that I made two donations to charities and they BOTH cost me an additional $18 a piece. And for NO bloody good reason. This is a really, wonderful way to start the damn day!

Ten years ago, I would have had a coronary over this, because I thought that a bounced "check" went on your credit report. Today, though I've figured out that it will not affect my perfect credit score, I still feel like I'd like to VOMIT! And... I'm STILL screaming obscenities! Good thing I didn't start my *@!#%*$ swear jar yet, or I'd be out a whole lot more.

Now I'm off to work to find out if my e-mail has ... once again, been permanently deleted. This may be a day where I need to bring out the big guns... TEARS.

Today is a Good Day

2008-05-16T20:19:00.002-06:00

Today was a good day. I cannot say that I accomplished much, other than coming to the realization, once again, that I have amazing friends and family.

I came to work ... very late of course, to find Michelle there on a day she doesn't normally come in and with her were her two adorable kids, Lucy and Violet. That was a special treat all on its own. I played with Violet a bit and we snuck some candy and made things with silly putty. After that, my friend Tammy gave me the nicest gift. Perfume. She and I were shopping the other day and she showed me one of her favorite scents, which I also really liked and was complimented on in the mall. At any rate, she found an extra bottle and gave it to me, just because. And ... she did this while being in a very, very bad mood. (The kind of mood you CANNOT help.) It was such a nice gesture and I LOVE the perfume!!! Thank you Tammy!

After being surprised with a gift, it was time for our every other Friday barbecue and though I had to help a little in putting it together, it was nice to just sit back and laugh with everyone. There are a lot of really great people who work at PSE. The women are especially nice to be around. They are mostly all very warm and VERY open. We had a table of ALL women, which we deemed the "cool girls" table. The highlight of our conversation was how many of the women (5 out of 6) were currently on their period. That... and watching Violet run. She has a really special way in which she carries her arms and it's really cute and it puts a smile on your face.

After the barbecue, I had issues with my computer, so I sort of lallygagged and didn't accomplish much. Instead, I sat in the conference room with Jeremy and played around and talked. It was really nice to just be lazy and hang and laugh. Jeremy is really easy to do that with. It's one of his best features. He also has amazing talent in daily acknowledgments. It's a new one for him, but he's surprisingly good at it.

When I realized that I wasn't going to get anything else done, I packed up all my stuff to work on over the weekend and I DO mean ALL my stuff. I took everything on my desk with the intention of making some amount of sense of it at home. Anyway, I left work and followed Sheryl to her new house to help her unpack some boxes. On my way there, I noticed someone who looked very much like my bother, operating an excavator off 90th South. I gave him a ring while I was waiting in traffic to say hello. It was kind of nice to see his face around town. It was yet another very nice surprise.

Sheryl, Matt (a very nice guy from work, who offered to help carry the BIG stuff) and I got her car unpacked and shortly after, her mom and step dad, Joe, arrived from San Diego. We unloaded their trunk full of alcohol and then Sue (Sheryl's mom), made us all margaritas. Really good margaritas at that. I only had a few sips and took the rest home with me for later, because they were strong and I still had to find a way home. :) Larry brought up Cadwyn and I got to hold her and watch her smile and it nearly made me cry, multiple times. She is SO cute!!! I'm not saying that because she is my friend's child either. She's adorable!!! I can't believe how much I want a baby. My baby hormones are on overload and I'm not quite sure what to do with them. It's a little embarrassing. Sue recounted the story of me in the delivery room, wailing like an idiot. I will go down in history as the most emotional camera person, EVER! At least people know I can relate and that I care, hu? What else can I say?

To end my day, I went to Wild Oats, picked up some fun and exciting products that were totally on sale and came home. It was a simple day and it doesn't sound all that thrilling, but it was a very good day. As I was driving home, I thought to myself how lucky I am to have so many good people in my life. I don't know how I found so many great people who actually want to talk to me and spend time with me. It kind of blows my mind. I really love where I live and I love that I can come home and eat a frozen pizza (Amy's .. mostly healthy) and that I can get excited over spraying essential oil room spray all over my house and then sit down at my computer and spill out a few of my thoughts. How much better can it get?

When Eating Good Food Goes BAD

2008-05-14T12:24:00.005-06:00

THIS

+

THIS

=

THIS

It's a bloody shame! I've been trying to eat a little more healthy this week. I had a salad twice on Monday. Granted, one was from Cafe Rio, so that can't really count, other than it had LOTS of greens in it. I have stayed away from greasy meats, I have taken my vitamins and I've tried to drink a lot of water. More than usual anyway, because I've been so damn thirsty.

It turns out that I've probably been thirsty, because I've been dehydrated. For most people, the logical thing to do would be to drink MORE water. For me... as I'm not built like everyone else, I should know better. My veins do not like to hold liquid in them. They require a good supply of salt to do that and my body isn't equipped like most people's to keep my volume of salt UP, so to speak. As a result, I lose salt and when I lose salt, I lose liquid (blood volume) and then I get faint. If I drink MORE water, then my blood gets diluted and I just pee out everything, including the salt I need to keep the liquid part of my blood in my veins. It always hits me out of the blue. I'll be sitting or standing and all of a sudden..... I'll just feel like all the blood in my head (you know that stuff that carries oxygen and makes you stay conscious) quickly drains in a southern direction. I lose for a small moment, the ability to actually SEE and then the lights come back on. It's really no fun at all, because I think for just a split second that I'm dying and if I really WERE dying, it wouldn't be so bad, but to have to come back to life and know that I didn't really die, sort of makes you feel stupid and then extremely pissed off!

The part of this story that ties into eating well is... The more fruits and vegetables I eat, the more potassium I ingest and potassium is the "anti-salt". The more potassium in my system, the less salt will stick around. It's a silly process, but they like to stay in a very tight ratio and when one gets too powerful, it beats up on the other one. In my case.. sodium always loses out and then I take a dive, because I lose blood volume (dehydration) and get low blood pressure. Most other people have the help of a little hormone called cortisol, which helps regulate another hormone called aldosterone, which sort of gives salt a helping hand. I don't produce as much of either of those hormones and as such.. I have to be careful how much potassium I ingest. So... how in the hell am I supposed to EAT healthy and not die? It's beyond frustrating.

I'm just freaking tired! And now I'm going to take a nap in the closet where I work.

The End

It Practically Mows All By Itself

2008-05-11T21:44:00.004-06:00

Today, for the first time in my life, I mowed lawn with a SELF PROPELLED lawn mower. I have never used one before and though I have heard stories that they exist, I thought maybe it was just a fairy tale. This thing actually moves itself. You just lift the little lever and wallah! I feel so much less sore and got the job done in about half the time. AND... this lawn mower didn't spew out exhaust fumes that rob you of your sense of smell for a good 3 hours after you mow. I have lived a very sheltered life and now that I've experienced a mower that does the job for me, I'll NEVER go back.

I'm just hoping this new found treasure is actually the property of the duplex, rather than my neighbors. It just showed up and I didn't bother to ask. It was so new and red and I couldn't help myself. I had to touch it a little.

Ode to Mom

2008-05-10T01:17:00.005-06:00

I only recently found out that it is Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm a bad child, because I don't pay attention to these special holidays. I was thinking today, however, how much I LOVE my mother. I'd like to make a public announcement that sort of captures all the wonderful things about my mom and what she has taught me.

I can't do this without a few funny stories that make my mom sound like a crazy nut. Like when I was a kid and she would be doing my hair and she would have the curling iron a little too close to my head and I would wince or cry, knowing that she had certainly burned me before and she would yell at me for it. Or how she made up the name, "Dink Ass" for my brother. It's not just the name itself, but the frustration and stammering that was present the first time it was invented and delivered.

I look back and see in my own little world, that I was the PERFECT kid, even though I ran away from home every day at the age of two to hang with my friend Paulette, which drove my mother crazy. Or maybe the fact that I liked to change my clothes about 6 times a day (which I still do) or that I was born with the ability to use language in that special way that can say... FU in about a hundred ways without actually using the WORD. Now I just use the word of course. I'm a big girl now... no need to get creative anymore. I like to think that I was an easy child and that my mom was off her rocker, but... as she reminded me the other night when we were talking, I was probably NOT an easy child. I mean.. that time when she took me to the shrink, because I was afraid that scary men would climb into my room via my window and kidnap me and when Dr. Flowers asked me to talk to him, I just SAT there and didn't cure myself on the spot. Do you know how much that visit cost my mother? Ask her, because she will be able to tell you TO the penny.

My mother has had to love me in spite of a lot of difficulty. I pushed her away for the first 25 years of my life. It took me that long to realize how much she REALLY loved me. I realized yesterday that I can be my most vulnerable with my mom and I never fear she won't love me.

My mother taught me to love flowers and bugs. There isn't a living creature that she doesn't give compassion to. She is the person who goes outside after a rainstorm and picks up earth worms from the road, so they won't get run over. She was the person in the neighborhood that people would bring sick animals to, because they knew she would take them in and give them mercy. She taught me how to take pleasure in just watching animals be animals. She taught me that everybody has something wonderful about them. She can see beauty in a vase of flowers that I KNOW are dead, but to her they are still beautiful. She will wake up at 2 am when I sneak in the house to sleep over, because I'm too tired to drive home. She will help me change the sheets while she tries to pull a shirt down over her ass that hits her about mid cheek. This is when she has to be up at 6 am the next morning. She is also fun. She will make silly movies with me and lip sync to songs she doesn't even know. She gets in punchy moods and can be so funny and witty and off beat and we both just laugh and laugh. She helps me gang up on my dad when he's in a bad mood and we end up making him laugh together. She is the person who volunteers to sit with people as they die and she holds their hand and keeps them calm until they are gone. She is an amazing cook and can do that thing where you make more than one thing to eat at once. She is great at surprises and loves doing nice things for people. She taught me how to express nice things about people right when you think them and she taught me how to use the F word in about half the ways I know how to use it.

My mom is unlike any other and I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

Love,

Teresa

0 to Picked Up On in 60 Seconds

2008-05-10T00:44:00.004-06:00

So... I got picked up on tonight at Whole Foods. I was waiting for a slice of Down Home Chocolate Cake, which is something I've refrained from eating for over a year now. It's actually a vegan cake, but it's amazingly rich and delicious and was one of those things that use to bring me a lot of pleasure. At any rate.. I'm sure I was looking like this very sensuous person waiting patiently for my cake to be prepared. Either that or a sugar addict, but I was FEELING like the cake made me much more appealing to the opposite sex. Considering that all I did was look at this guy and smile and that he took that as a sign to walk closer, it had to be the cake. He chatted with me for a second as I was waiting and then got all direct after introducing himself. His name was Ron and he was from New Orleans. He asked what I was doing tonight and I told him that I was working a little and then was going to watch some movies. Side Note: I didn't do EITHER one of those things. What is my problem? Anyway.. he then told me how it was the end of the work week for him and that he was going to watch movies tonight too and wouldn't it be nice if we could watch them together. I think he was genuinely interested in my company, but rather than taking the time it would have taken to explain exactly how long it takes for me to WANT to watch a movie with another person, I just opted for the ... "I have a boyfriend" excuse. I did throw in there that I'd be .. and I quote... "all over it" if I didn't have a boyfriend. Good work Teresa! Way to knock him down and then give him a consolation prize.

Validation..... At Last

2008-05-07T19:18:00.004-06:00

So, my new trainee started this week. She is going to help me take over a good portion of my billings, which is going to make my life SO much easier. She is really smart and catches on quickly and for this, I am very glad. Today, we were talking and she mentioned how difficult it is to keep your concentration from start to finish while doing an invoice. Tiny interruptions can end up costing you valuable minutes and they can quickly add up to valuable HOURS if it gets excessive. At any rate, it made me feel better to know that my job really ISN'T so easy. She is getting a taste of all the things that have to be questioned and scrutinized and FIXED before things are RIGHT and how being at the end of the line means that it all falls in our lap. It made me feel less like I suck at my job even though I know I don't, but for once, someone else will actually get to see and experience what I do and they can now testify on my behalf.

Feels SOOOOOOOOOOOO Good!!!!!

AHEM....... I JUST realized that I have plagiarized. My "Feels SOOOOOOO Good" line is the EXACT line in one of Tammy's posts. It was totally subconscious, but that almost makes it worse. Let me think of a much better way to express that in my OWN WORDS!!!

Here we go..... AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think the exclamation points help a lot.

To Be Loved By You

2008-05-05T23:06:00.004-06:00

Why is it so much easier TO love than it is to BE loved? I know it isn't a true scenario for all people, but I see it all around me. People choose to love when they know there isn't an open door. Let that door open up and expose the reciprocation of "love" and suddenly, it's a very uncomfortable place to be standing. That door will slam closed in a hurry or at the very most, be kept open just a crack.

This was my experience for a long time. I remember Greg Desmond in 9th grade. I had a HUGE crush on him until he liked me back. In theory, I wanted him to like me, but in reality it had more of a nauseating effect on me. Throughout my life, the more someone loved me, the faster I ran.

Today, I feel differently about the entire concept of love. I think I've worked out some of the bugs.. though I'm sure more will surface. I know that I am loved and I can deal with it being expressed to me and I don't automatically want to vomit. (If people only knew how refreshing that was!!!) I also think that I know the difference between false affection and real affection. False affection is the kind that doesn't want reciprocation. Real affection will allow it. A person with false affection will convince themselves that they want it reciprocated, but the minute it is... they will bolt and run, put up walls, or sabotage the relationship to create more space. Love is only appealing when you get to experience it from a comfortable distance.

I don't think you can truly BE loved until you feel worthy of it. You may convince yourself otherwise. When you find a good, safe place to put your feelings (when they are NOT fully reciprocated), you get to feel bad and unloved and THAT is a good feeling only because you know it so well. It's familiar. It's a pattern that will repeat over and over for as long as a person will allow it before they finally decided to take themselves apart and look closely at what they see. Nobody else can convince you that you are lovable. It isn't about what someone else will offer. It's about what you will accept for yourself.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...

2008-04-30T23:51:00.005-06:00

It's evading me again... that beautiful thing called sleep. Instead, I am up writing on my blog, listening once again to the tunes on Tammy's blog as I pick up my chapstick, only to be disappointed that it's at that point where I can't twist it up anymore, so I have to dip my lips and roll them back and forth to get them lubed up.

I've been REALLY tired this week. It's the kind of tired where it's just hard to function and where you feel on perpetual delay as if your mind is numb. I don't know exactly why I'm feeling this way. I slept a lot over the weekend, but didn't sleep well at night. Today at work, I took a 2 hour rest/nap on the blow up mattress that Michelle and I bought at Target on Monday and then hid in the storage closet. I didn't actually sleep, but I closed my eyes and drifted into partial unconsciousness. I left work early and had dinner at my mom's and then went home. I was ready for and IN bed by 9 PM. I made myself a little cocktail to try and tempt me into relaxation. I'm new to the world of alcohol and I'm no expert on mixed drinks. I thought gin and sparkling apple juice would be decent. Uh... if you hate gin as I do, nothing really makes up for that specific taste of ick! I downed it though and felt my body loosen and go a bit limp and my mind soon followed. I was on the verge of sleep for a good hour and a half... then... my body started waking up and I got hot and my mind was more alert and HERE I AM!!! SHIT!!!!

Maybe I'm afraid to sleep, because of some of the dreams I've been having lately. ?? I had a "dream" about a co-worker. This was a dream that was kind of sexual and I'm not AT ALL attracted to this person in real life. I kissed him in my dream though and the next day when I saw him at work, I just felt so dirty. I couldn't even look him in the eye. I hate that your mind can do that to you and make you feel as though something deep in the depths of dreamland could be real. It makes you wonder what is going on underneath that layer of consciousness that would make you play out scenarios that would otherwise NEVER happen.

On that note... I'm going to brave it again. Maybe with a little bit of Van Morrison in my bloodstream, I'll have success. He gives me love, love, love... CRAZY love. :)

Night!

Maybe

2008-04-26T11:22:00.009-06:00

I just woke up from a marathon sleeping session. I went to bed last night around midnight and that was after an hour and a half nap earlier in the afternoon. I took sleep aids to go to bed, hoping it would help me to sleep VERY deeply. Problem is that when I take Melatonin, it tends to make me wake up when the sun comes up. Nothing is more irritating to me than waking up at 6 am, while still feeling sleepy and then hearing all the happy birds outside. I LOVE the birdies, don't get me wrong, but I really dislike that early morning call. If I've stayed up ALL night long and I'm hearing that sound as I'm just about to go to sleep, then I find it sweet and musical. It has a totally different effect on me when I have to wake up and I'm not ready yet.

I'm sitting here at my computer in a tube top, eating leftovers from the dinner I was invited to Thursday night at mom's house (THANK GOD), because I have literally NOTHING in my fridge to eat. When you are that desperate, Chop Suey and beef tastes delightful in the morning.

I've been meaning to sit down and write something worth reading for a few days now. I'm currently listening to the wonderful tunes from Tammy's blog. She has amazing taste in music as well as ... huuummm just about everything. There is something about Van Morrison that really puts me at ease and makes me feel happy. So, starting off this post... I am comfortable (tube top), have food in my tummy (chop suey) and I'm listening to GREAT tunes which hopefully will color this with some positive influence in spite of the fact that I'm going to talk about something that's bugging me.

If anyone has been trying to get in touch with me the last few weeks or months, I've probably not been that responsive or easy to contact. I've been really busy. Moving three months ago was a big thing and along with that, my job has progressively been getting more and more demanding. I feel like my entire life revolves around work and I am beginning to resent it heavily. I am barely staying afloat. I am the only person who currently knows the billing system from start to finish. I was given a program and told to figure it out and that is what I did. It's not an easy system either. It's fairly complicated and in order for it to function to its' best ability, it has to be managed consistently. I've done that. Managed it. Consistently. I don't think anyone really knows how many things I catch, see, know. Things that other people would never catch, see or know. I fix those things. I make them correct. I can take the information in our system and interpret it correctly. It's not easy. It requires all the things that I catch, see and know. This makes me an important person in that I have information and knowledge. I've been trying desperately to inform my boss that this is a really poor position for the company to be in. I've been telling him for weeks/months that I'm overloaded, that I can't go on vacation, that if I DIED, nobody would know how to do what I do. He doesn't seem to care all that much. Hasn't anyway. Part of me wants to find a new job and just not come back to work. When they started having issues, I'd just tell Mike what he told me, "It will be backed up for a while, but eventually someone will get to it". I also resent that I'm not given the privileges of a manager when I have all the responsibilities of one. I manage, I am NOT managed, therefore, I should have the pay of a manager. I've outlined where the company needs to adjust themselves in order to keep up with their own growth. That isn't my job. I care though. I see things. I can't just sit back and not say something, not DO something when I know it needs to be done. That is who I am. That is why I'm good at what I do, whatever it is that I actually do. It's my strength as a productive participant in the workforce. I'm kind of wishing it wasn't though. Somehow at the core, I think I'm this way because I'm constantly trying to prove that I'm worth more. I really have no idea what drives me. I do know that I don't ask enough for what I deserve and that I'm SO overly honest and fair with my employer. I could easily justify putting down extra hours or counting the more than 50 hours a week I'm actually at the office when I know many of those are me screwing around with fellow friends/co-workers. Instead, I tell myself that I'm going to walk into my boss's office and ask for a raise. So far.. I've yet to actually do it. Maybe I'll break that cycle soon. Maybe I'll get myself into a position where I can go on a fabulous vacation and just BE and enjoy myself and not worry about shit for other people. THAT would be amazing!!! Can't wait!

Practice Makes Practice

2008-03-23T12:46:00.003-06:00

So, I had a tiny party last night. I have NEVER thrown or held or whatever you do with parties, at my residence before. At least not a gathering that involved mass quantities of alcohol. I've had a few get-together's with the girls and we made some drinks, but no big deal. I don't do parties. I don't do lots of people I don't know in my space. My personal space is usually kept fairly sacred and I'm very selective of who I invite into it. I'm open with ME, who I am and my experiences, but my home turf is a different story. It's my place to withdraw and be alone and for some reason, I prefer to keep it guarded.

Anyway, I had people come over and they brought alcohol and that was basically it. As I'm not a party planner, I don't know much about games or stuff you do at parties. I'm a talker and a dancer. That's what I do when my friends come over. I don't even watch movies with people. Well, except for Michelle and my mother. They are the only two people I can sit through a movie with. The point is that I'm just not familiar with socializing on my own turf with a larger group of people. The only reason I made it through the night was because I had a moderate amount of alcohol. My other tool, was of course my best friend Michelle. She can lube up any social event, because she is so open and easy and will take the conversation to so many great places. She's good at talking about her life and she's very funny and self-deprecating, but not in a bad way. In a making light of your own life quirks kind of way, which makes other people more relaxed. I decided last night, as I tend to do a lot lately, that I absolutely ADORE Michelle. She's the best!!! She is the kind of person that you just love to be around. She is the kind of friend that I still love to talk to every day. You would think I'd be sick of her by now, but I'm not. She thinks I screen her phone calls, but I don't. I get excited when I see that it's her calling me. I mean.. seriously.. who wouldn't? You are almost guaranteed to get to hear a new Violet story or maybe she's just calling to sing you a very special song. Always a great treat!

That kind of got off the original subject, but the point was that I wouldn't have made it through my social event without the help of my two social lubricants. Michelle and my electric lemonade.

The party... (I really don't even like the word party.. doesn't seem to really fit) was like I said... alcohol. After a certain amount of it, people just start to verbalize the obvious, which becomes a sort of conversation. Not a real conversation. There is a big difference between a real conversation with back and forth and a group exchange of observations. Not that any of it is bad. It's different. It doesn't require as much effort. Just requires you to interject when you feel a desire. You can do that non-verbally as well. I choose to interact with a group mostly through the magic of dance. I use the term dance very loosely, because that too isn't a completely appropriate fit. I have bruises on my knees and my hips feel as though someone tore them from their sockets, so... maybe it was more gymnastics. ?? Headstands probably don't count as dancing either.

I find it interesting, because in a group, everyone seems to play a certain role. You have the person who drinks WAY too much (we actually had one of each gender last night), the responsible, moderate designated driver, the social lube, the over anxious lightweight and the father figure. You kind of wonder what would happen if you switched up your role, if it would cause another person to do the same and naturally take your place? Or.. do people just assume the same roles forever? I don't know if father figure is always father figure. I think he'd switch it up in the right situation. I've seen designated driver take that role twice and social lube will probably always be social lube, although I've seen her as the person who drinks WAY too much before too. Maybe I'll have to experiment again and see if roles can be exchanged. Practice makes practice.

It's A GIRL!!!

2008-03-07T20:04:00.005-07:00

In honor of my newest pseudo-niece, I am writing in pink, the official color of girls! (Pink went out the window after I realized it didn't show up against the green... sorry.)

I was lucky enough to be invited into the delivery room with my very dear friend Sheryl as she gave birth. I was the camera person and I certainly did not take that lightly. We have been waiting what seems like eons for this baby to make her arrival. Sheryl has experienced a pregnancy with a lot of bumps and hills. She got sicker than most women get and for longer than most women feel sick. She finally recovered from the debilitating nausea and had a few months of reprieve only to encounter early contractions around her 7th month. She was sent to bed and endured contractions for the last 2 months of her pregnancy. I tell her she's been in labor for over two months and it's really no joke. Once she made it to the goal week, they all felt like the baby would come at any moment. That moment came and went. All the efforts made to prevent premature labor worked so well that labor became delayed. She hit her due date and kept on going. They scheduled her for inducement on Friday (today) and I was prepared to show up to the hospital when they gave me the time. Wednesday night, I went out with friends and then came home and spent 3 hours on the phone with an old friend. I didn't get to bed until 3 am. The night before that, I had only 5 hours of sleep due to being at work until well after 1 am. When I got the call at 7 am Thursday morning to get my butt to the hospital, I had roughly 8 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. Not nearly enough for someone like myself. To function like a normal person, I require at least 8 or 9 hours a night. I'm not a morning person. I'm on perpetual delay in the morning. I lollygag and take my time waking up. On this day, after THAT call, however, I was quick on the draw. I got the call just before 7:00 am and made it to the hospital just after 7:30. I was the only one in the group who was selfish enough to shower and brush my teeth. In retrospect, I'm very glad I did. It was a very long labor (20 hours) and even with my shower, I felt grimy by the end of it.

Modern medicine is really quite amazing. I will forever be grateful for the invention of antibiotics and pain medication. I don't know how people endured life and death without these special, special tools. For all the amazing advances in medicine, you still have to rely on the imperfect nature of human beings to bring them to you. It was a busy morning and Sheryl was VERY ready for the anesthesiologist, but he was really backed up. He finally got there and did a very good job. Sheryl was out of pain for the first time in over 2 months. I filmed the epidural and though I didn't actually look at anything, I still KNEW what was happening. I thought I was okay until he started packing up. It's always the packing up that gets me. At any rate, I sat down in the chair and suddenly felt the familiar urge to vomit along with beading sweat pooling near my brow. I just closed my eyes and kept the camera rolling, while I put my mind on other things. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I wasn't the patient and really, really didn't want to be.

After the epidural, labor slowed and so I decided to head to work for a few hours to get some stuff out. I came back to the hospital around 3:30pm and found out I'd missed a close call. The contractions got stronger than the baby could handle and her heart rate dropped and they were minutes away from rolling Sheryl into the OR for a cesarean delivery. Luckily, someone else was in there, which delayed it a few minutes and gave the baby time to stabilize on her own. They slowed down the labor and it continued to progress very slowly throughout the night. They had to make sure the baby could handle the contractions. Sheryl was finally able to start pushing just before ten. She pushed for over 2 hours and then baby started making a fuss again and the doctor promptly came in and said he needed to get her out pronto. It was absolutely amazing to watch this tiny baby emerge and immediately, she was this human being. Not at all what I'd expected. I thought she would be all covered in goo and blood or something. She wasn't. When the doctor made the famous announcement, "It's a girl!", I just cried and sobbed. Everyone, including the doctor was saying that they thought it was a boy. I wanted desperately for Sheryl to have a little girl. I can't explain why, but I just know she needs a little girl. Over the last few months, everyone has been referring to the baby as... "baby" or "it". I've been calling her a HER. I was so elated to know she was a she. The doctor was making fun of me for how badly I was crying. I'm supposed to be the steady camera person and the last part of the video will no doubt be a little shaky.

The other thing that really struck me about the experience was once again, how much Sheryl and Larry really love each other. Larry is truly one of the most exceptional men. He's very intelligent and very open. Very generous, accepting, kind and patient and he does all this in a way that is so easy and unforced. It's just who he is. Deep to the core, he's such a good person. He is so dedicated to Sheryl and she knows it and trusts it and really appreciates and cherishes it. They have something I've never seen before and I really, really want the very same thing. I think everyone deserves a Larry. He was so sweet with his little girl. I think they are both going to be amazing parents and I'm so thrilled for them. A very good ending to a chapter in their lives that they will never forget. I feel very honored to have been a small part of it.

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

2008-03-04T00:02:00.002-07:00

It's BLOODY midnight and I'm SO tired, but I cannot sleep. I cannot shut my mind down. I don't want to be on my computer when I spend ALL day on my computer at work, but I have a problem weighing down on me and I haven't solved it yet and it's annoying.

To BE or NOT to BE? That's my question.

I hate anticipation. I'd rather just KNOW one way or the other. This sitting and waiting thing really messes me up.

Pick a hand.

Is It Ever Really Worth It?

2008-02-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a very long time. You would think my first post would have something to do with my new place or other more substantial things that have recently happened to me. Instead, I'm prompted to write about whether or not I think investing myself in a long term relationship is really worth it.

I think the idea of lasting love is picturesque. We all want to have the feeling of knowing someone so well, being comfortable while at the same time retaining the feelings we get when the relationship is new and fresh and stimulating. It's unfortunate that it just doesn't exist.

This isn't coming from my own experience. I've recently been watching people around me experiencing a lot of difficulty in their relationships. I watch people who have been together for years and they struggle. It's not uncommon. Relationships are difficult. Marriage is difficult. Having children is difficult. How do you weigh it out and how do you determine if it's really worth it? I went to my nieces birthday party tonight. She is 7 and she is adorable. My brother has a really nice family. I love his kids, love his wife and of course I love him. I found myself for the first time really wishing I had children. I picked up his cat and started rocking him like a baby. I tend to do that a lot lately. I was a little jealous of my sister in law's sister and her husband, who just had a new baby. I'm so far behind all of my friends in this respect. By the time I actually do have children, IF I ever have children, their kids will be halfway through school. I'll be having children at the age my mother was when I was almost 10.

So, why in the world do I have this desire and why would I want to pursue the idea when I see so many people crumbling around me? Hearing about people who are married with children, who have their marriage break apart, knowing their children are there to witness it and then forced to try to make sense of it, kind of freaks me out. Knowing the struggles other couples have in front of their children is also unnerving. I certainly don't want to have children so they can take a front row seat to my relationship drama. It's hard enough being in the drivers seat.

The Daily Coyote

2007-12-02T18:31:00.001-07:00

Check out this blog. VERY cool!!!

The Daily Coyote

Dogs

2007-12-02T17:51:00.001-07:00

They were good 90% of the time. The only bad things they did were running away (Moqui) and trying to eat my cat for Thanksgiving (Lucas & Moqui). Beyond that.. I found them rather pleasant. Auntie Teresa thinks her new nephews are good boys!

Moqui aka "Shithead"

Sweet Lucas

Following me from room to room.

I don't know Doctor, it just sprouted out of nowhere!

"Bear" Ass Steaming

2007-12-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

It's inevitable when you stay at someone else's house that you will do some sort of damage. What would break anyway will wait until you are there to do it. You become clumsy at someone else's house where you aren't at your own. Sure, you paint your toenails on your white sheets and NEVER spill a drop. You sleep with a blow dryer in your bed and still have yet to catch yourself on fire. (Okay, maybe that isn't normal enough to make it sound like "all" people do it, but I do.) Go to someone else's house though and be, you know.. extra, super careful and expect to break something.

I dog sat for a friend of mine and stayed at her house for a few days. The first night there, I was getting into bed and I saw a light on behind her television. I realized this must be a candle and didn't want to leave it burning, so I went over, IN THE DARK, to blow it out. I reached for the top to lift it off and found out that it wasn't actually a burning candle, but a wax warmer. Needless to say, wax went flying. It was too dark to see it splatter, but I felt it on my hands. I turned the light on to find it had splashed all over the wall and onto the behind of her giant teddy bear. I spent an hour scraping what I could off the wall with a plastic kids spoon and assessed the damage to the bears ass and went to bed. I have a steam cleaner, which I figured would do the trick to what I couldn't get off myself. I brought it up Thanksgiving day and spent the last few hours of Thanksgiving steaming the bum of a stuffed bear. I thought it was so funny that I had to take a picture. The bear would be bigger than me if he had an extra foot on him, but his head was like 4 of mine and his bum was like 2 of mine. That's one big ass!

Mr. Bear

Me & Mr. Bear
(Yes, I know I have my hand "strategically" placed on my face. I'm covering a HUGE zit.)

Nipples

2007-11-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm going to put out a scenario that happened to me. I'm open for feedback as to how anyone else would have reacted to the same situation.

A guy from work (fake name Jerry), who I know has a little crush on me, told me something that two other men at work had said about me after I had walked away from their desk. I had been helping one guy (fake name Charles) with his phone and the other guy (fake name Walt) was at Charles's desk talking to him. I walked away and apparently Charles and Walt made a comment about the fact that my nipples were showing through my shirt. The comment was something like.. "Wow, her headlights were on. Thank God for t-shirts." I really don't care that they said or thought it. I'm bothered that Jerry thought it was okay to come up to me and say... "Hey, you should have heard the comment Charles and Walt made about you when you walked away..." That is what I find RUDE and inappropriate. Had he not told me, I would never know and nobody (ie: ME) would feel uncomfortable. Now, every time I see these two (older and married) men, I get a bit grossed out and I wonder to myself if they are thinking about my nipples. They didn't do anything wrong and no harm was done by them, because they never said it within my earshot and they would probably never say something like that to me directly. Why on earth would Jerry feel that it was okay to tell me that? It was almost the same as him saying it to me himself. What a MORON!

For The Love Of............

2007-11-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

So, what exactly is it that makes us do what we do for other people or our job or our community? The question of motivation is kind of interesting. You could break part of it down to responsibility. I do things for work, because I feel responsible. What makes me feel responsibility where another person wouldn't though? How responsible am I really? When is enough, enough? The reasons I do things for other people are a little different, or are they? Do I offer to dog sit because I feel responsible or am I trying to be a nice person? What prompts me to donate money to a charity? Do I do it to feel like a good person? Does it even matter why or just that I did it?

I'm sitting here at someone else's computer as their dog is breathing on me, with not so great breath. I think the dog is a lovely creature, but at this moment, he's bugging me. I left him home all day and now he's bored and he wants me to fill the void by entertaining him. I can't seem to figure out exactly what he wants. We've been outside 5 or 6 times and that didn't do it. I tried to play with him inside and ... not quite IT. I hugged and loved on him and told him what a good boy he was, but he still wants something more. I think he would prefer if I just let him sit on my lap while I stared at him all night so that he felt he was getting the attention he missed out on all day. One never knows. Yesterday, I was thinking I might prefer Huskies to Labs, but today I've changed my mind. While Lukas (the lab) is a little frothy at the mouth and obsessed with food, Moqui (the husky) is a bit more needy. I'll take drool over neediness any day. Not that I'm complaining, because all in all... they are really, really good dogs and for the most part have been nice to be around. It comes down to the fact that they are someone else's dog, which is a lot like someone else's child. It's just not the same as your own.

For Whom The Wedding Bell Tolls

2007-11-13T18:53:00.002-07:00

It looks like I survived!! I was NOT a runaway bridesmaid as I feared. I was so worried about whether I'd be able to make it through the ceremony or not. I didn't want to disappoint Sheryl and I certainly didn't want to ruin her moment. As it turned out, I was neither a disappointment nor the ignition of disaster.

My first hurdle was the rehearsal. I was anxious to find out exactly what I would have to do and how the ceremony would be set up. We went through it in one, two, three and that was that. Seemed easy enough to follow. My fellow groomsman, Zach and myself were ON it. I told him we were going to be the star walkers as we synced our footsteps. He was a willing student of "Teresa's School Of Not Being The Worst One". It was a little odd seeing all of the chairs set up and knowing that the next night they would be full of a lot of people I would have to see again. Like the survivor that I am, I just put it out of my mind and headed off to the dinner. I sat next to Zach and Sheryl's stepfather. I made a good choice as my company ended up being so much fun. Zach and I chattered all through dinner. We were laughing so hard over our shared fear of needles and blood draws. I told him about my donation story and gave him tips on how to survive his upcoming blood test. "Close your eyes, plug your ears, turn your head and hum really loud. Works every time." If Zach hadn't been married with children, I'd have tried to make him my new best friend. He was easy to talk to and we related on a lot of levels. Very nice guy! I also wanted to adopt Sheryl's stepfather, Joe. He was such a riot. An ex DEA agent, now retired and living on a boat in San Diego. He captains boats for other people and has sailed literally all over the world. Such a bold, funny guy. He pretends to not hear what you are saying to try to throw you off your game, but I caught on and dished it right back. By the end of the night he gave me his card and told me I was to look him up the next time I was in San Diego and that he would take me sailing. Everyone in the wedding party was so warm and were all such great people. It's really a testament as to the kind of people Larry and Sheryl are. I left the dinner feeling uplifted and glad to have been a part of everything, but I was still fairly certain I'd be in for it the next day.

The Next Day...

I showed up for pictures right on time. I had to pick my dress up on the way as it had a few last minute alterations. It ended up fitting great! All the bridesmaids got ready in a suite across from where the wedding was taking place. The room was all decked out and was stocked with champagne, wine, fruit and a chocolate fountain. I abstained from the chocolate fountain, but took advantage of the champagne and wine. When we were all ready, we headed out for pictures. I'm hoping the champagne and wine helped my camera face. I didn't feel quite the facial twitching that I normally do, so I may have a shot or two that will come out looking somewhat normal. I'll feel awful if I ruin all of Sheryl's pictures with my anti-camera face. Ugh! Especially considering how extremely beautiful all the rest of the bridesmaids were. Not an "un-pretty" girl in the bunch. Everyone kept commenting on the line and wondering where Sheryl shopped for friends. I was not the thinnest girl in the bunch, but I did win the prize for the best cleavage thanks to my push up bra.

After pictures, I took my stuff and checked into my room at Steins. It was just above the lodge and as a total moron, I figured it was a short hike. It was a short hike, but not when one is carrying luggage, in heels, over actual wet dirt. I'd parked my car down below, because I hate when they valet your car. You have to wait for them to get it and blah, blah, blah.... I'm not all that keen on being catered to like that. Anyway.. the point is that I carried all my shit UP hill, in heels and it was really stupid and I was hot and tired and it took me forever to find the lobby only to have to walk ALL the way back down to where my room ended up being. Nice room by the way.

On to the actual wedding CEREMONY. I popped a klonopin and as we were waiting in the pre-wedding room of the lodge, we all had one last toast and I downed another glass of champagne. Just before we went out, the maid of honor got a little freaked when she saw my nerves and I told her I'd be fine, but that I may be a tad "over medicated". Suddenly I had everyone coming up to me asking if I was okay. After demonstrating just how well I could walk and coordinate my body, they relaxed and then it was showtime. I did my thing (Zach and I were totally the best walkers) and took my place in the line. There were a LOT of people, but I wasn't nervous. Once Sheryl came down the isle, everyone was in tears. I laughed at the girls who put tissue in their cleavage, but I was the one who ended up needing it and I borrowed some cleavage tissue from one of the girls. I cried more than anyone else. The ceremony was so beautiful and Larry kissed Sheryl's pregnant belly, which made everyone melt and it was just so lovely. I have always thought that the big fluff, all the bells and whistles were kind of a waste of time and money. I have since changed my mind. I get it now. I get why people would make the effort and why they would stand in front of that many people to share their moment. I was so proud to have been a part of it. From start to finish, it was such a beautiful event. It was the nicest wedding I've ever been to and the room was filled with so many wonderful, likable people. Granted, my good mood may have been due to being heavily medicated and slightly intoxicated, but I'm choosing to believe that it was a beautiful moment. As I kept hearing the same comments from other people, I'm pretty certain that what I ingested had little to do with it.

After the ceremony, everyone moved into the dinner area where we ate, drank some more wine and champagne, toasted and then the dancing began. Sheryl and Larry started it off as is custom and then the bridesmaids and groomsman were called out to join them. I felt a bit awkward dancing with Zach while his wife looked on, but it was only half a song. After that.. the party really started and I did my thing. I racked up more dancing partners than anyone else. Dave Brown from work (one of the owners of PSE) threw his coat off, pulled out his shirt tails and boogied like he had ants in his pants. I danced so hard that by the end of the night, I could barely walk and my lungs were raw from trying to keep up with my body. My shoes below are proof of my dedication to the dance floor.

All in all, it was one of the best things I've ever been a part of. I wish I would have allowed myself less anxiety over it, but this was a good lesson for me. Though I'm not by nature a person who loves to socialize EVERY day, I do love people. I love spending time getting to know new people and I love exploring new things. Twelve years ago, I was the person who packed up and moved just for the sake of being able to say I had. I've been in a rut the past four years and I think I'm ready to get back out there and live my life a little more freely.

They Call Me Doctor Hobbs

2007-10-30T06:03:00.000-06:00

So.... I think I've done it! I am so much smarter than all my doctors!

I'll leave out the gory details, but the bottom line is that I believe I am a fertile person. It's been a worry of mine for years. It runs in the family and I've been so messed up for so long, I had no idea if I'd ever have a chance at having a baby. Not that I ever really felt the desire, but come to find out.. when your hormones are off, it kind of kills that desire. Estrogen is one of those funny little things that makes you feminine, which then tricks your mind into thinking it would be SO much fun to carry a child for 9 months, go through excruciating pain to give birth and then be tied to that child for 18 years or better. Who knew?

Since I started taking tiny bits of estrogen, I've found myself crying at the sound of another infant crying, wanting to steal a puppy and thinking that babies are really quite appealing. It's as if I've been taken over by an alien. I've always liked puppies, but I've never been as driven as I was to steal one from a child before.

I really missed my calling as a doctor. I would have loved to have been a fertility specialist or an endocrinologist. There is so much information out there that the majority of doctors don't have a clue about and there are ways to put people back together that won't leave a person with a long list of side effects. Maybe in the next life...

Until then, I'm just happy I was able to see the little egg sign this morning. :)

Wedding Day Jitters

2007-10-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

So, I get to be a bridesmaid. Uh... ya, the idea is fun. Getting to wear a nice dress, having my hair done, being recognized as someone "close" to the bride. All that is great! The downside... I actually have to be AT the wedding ceremony. The bad part of that last sentence revolves around the word CEREMONY. OH MY GOD!!! You all know I do not like formal, quiet type settings, right? Okay.. this is a CEREMONY and I have to stand there, QUIET and can't move or run out of there screaming for my life for probably a good 15 minutes. 15 MINUTES!!! That is like torture. How am I to prevent myself from pooping my pants (or dress rather)? I've already had nightmares about it. The closer I get to the day, the more anxious I feel. I'm not consciously thinking about it either. To add to the heaping pile of ceremony stress, I am helping to throw a bridal shower. This will be happening next week and it's a lingerie theme. We are actually holding the shower AT a lingerie store and part of the fun will involve strip tease lessons. Weeeeeee!!!! I'm all for the strip tease lesson. How is it that I can be so up for moving my ass in a provocative way in front of strangers, but I can't bear the idea of standing next to my friend as she says I DO? I definitely have it backwards. I do not want to be part of the wedding ceremony, but by damn if I'm not looking forward to busting a move on the dance floor at the reception. I could have every eye in the room on me as I wiggle and shake and I'd love every minute of it.

A Morning Ride Through Uneasy

2007-10-23T11:24:00.000-06:00

Ugh! I haven't felt this feeling in a while. I find it astonishing what stress will do to my body. I haven't eaten well, which has been good for the size of my ass, but tends to break one's mind into itty, bitty particles. I feel like I get myself put together and then ... suddenly, I just unravel. Over the last six weeks or so, I've felt so good. I wake up feeling like I'd like to vomit, but it usually subsides by the time I get to work. This is new. For the better part of 4 years, I would wake up feeling like I'd like to vomit, come to work and feel it until everyone else left the building. In the last few weeks, I've been more social than ever. I go to lunch with people I don't know well and I'm able to carry on a conversation at someone's desk without feeling that overwhelming urge to just get up and RUN! Today, I'm having a much harder time ditching that sick feeling. I forgot just how badly I used to feel. When you are experiencing it on a daily basis, you just take it for what it's worth and you become a little numb to it all. GOD.. I HATE this feeling. No wonder I secluded myself for 4 years. I'd rather live life in a cage than have to endure these feelings on a daily basis by being part of society.

I am currently working on talking myself through this and I hope it will pass. I took a pill and will wait to see if it pulls me back together.

I just want to find a colorful pumpkin patch and lay in the sun for a few months. Is that really too much to ask?

High Tech Visiting Teaching

2007-10-13T18:09:00.000-06:00

So, I told everyone about my new visiting teacher and how I wrote her back at the e-mail address she gave me on her letter. She wrote me back today and I was pleasantly surprised. She's actually super cool! She was really open and told me a little about her life and history with the Church. Seems we have lots more in common than I would have ever suspected.

I knew they were into natural healing and that they raise their own chickens and cows, etc. I'd heard that she delivers her babies at home in the bath tub. Consequently, we have referred to them over the last year as "The Bath Tub Family". She isn't nearly as odd as I'd imagined. Very down to earth, very warm, open and willing to share information. I told her about my Chinese Medicine and she gave me some pointers on nutritional supplements for teeth. Considering how conservative they seemed on the outside. Home schooling the kids, giving birth at home, owning a cow and never giving their kids sugar, I expected that she popped right out of a typical, conservative Mormon family and had probably never come within range of a "Non-Mormon" like myself. I have a lot of respect for her considering where she has been and that her choices have been made having been on both sides of the fence. I didn't get the sense that she wanted to convert me. She seems genuinely interested in getting to know me and I am now quite glad that she sent me that letter. As funny as it was, she's a very nice person and you can never know too many good people.