Friday, March 16, 2007
Getting My Flirt On
So, I think I've let loose a little of my flirt. I've been holding it in for quite a long time. I don't really even think it's technically just about flirting. I think that everyone has this inner signal they can turn on or off that tells the outer world if they are receptive or not. On a scale of 1 to 10, my little signal is sending out a charge of about a 2, but at least it's transmitting. What I find so funny about it is the feedback I'm receiving. I'm getting picked up on by a broad range of men. Older, younger, cute, not so cute, potentially gay and SO wrong for me. As I'm only transmitting at a 2, I'm not ready to.. you know.. actually date anyone, but I can see that in the near future. In the meantime, I'm practicing my luring skills. I'm trying to take it rather seriously, because as most everyone who knows me is aware of, I'm a bit on the picky side. I'd rather not repeat old patterns and so I'm trying to attract a new kind of guy.
My old type has usually been, "The Unavailable Guy". Apparently, I enjoy feeling invalidated, because all of my past relationships have offered up this delight in plentiful quantity. A friend of mine who had a really bad experience with a man kept saying how he had picked her. I thought about that a while and I think it's only half true. I think we all pick people who match our own level of comfort. For example: If you have trouble receiving from other people, you will look for another person who has trouble giving. If you are afraid of emotional intimacy, you will look for someone who will continually test your trust, so that you never let your guard down. I think we are all so comfortable with what is familiar. For me, what is familiar is being alone and I've put great effort into staying this way. I never have to worry about a meltdown with someone else. I never have to worry about that horrible feeling of breaking up with someone. I am solely responsible for making myself happy and quite honestly, it's pretty damn easy. I'm happy and content and I could quite literally go on for the rest of my life this way, but I think there is a fuller degree of happiness and understanding about yourself that you can acquire when you open yourself up to a relationship and give up the idea of spending the rest of your life with 15 cats. I've had a "project" in the works to explore this other side of life that other people seem to need almost as much as the air they breath. I'm hoping it goes well and if it doesn't, I hope it's at least interesting enough to talk about for years to come.