Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When Love Isn't Enough

Well, we didn't make it.  Almost six years of working at it, but love just wasn't enough.

It's pretty sad.  Breakups really suck and this was a good one.  We both said goodbye with an amazing amount of love in our hearts.  We both want for the other person to be happy and fulfilled in ways that we couldn't be with each other.  My ego still wants to have succeeded.  I wanted to have been both happy and to have made him happy.  It's a tricky business though.

What I've learned is that relationships are incredibly challenging.  I think I will know myself so much better going forward and will be better able to consider what I want and need in order to co-exist with another person.  I know that I will never try as hard as I did in my last relationship.  I wore myself out trying so hard.  It shouldn't be that hard and the sacrifices you make for the relationship shouldn't leave you unfulfilled and depleted.  You also shouldn't start out a relationship feeling broken and you certainly shouldn't begin a relationship without a strong foundation of trust.  I was, as always, overly ambitious.

I disappeared for a few years and I lost myself.  You don't realize how much of yourself you give up until you step away and notice the missing pieces.  It has been six months since I moved myself out.  I was at rock bottom physically.  I had no other choice but to hobble away and check myself into a 24/7 care facility otherwise known as "mom's house".  I literally had nothing left to give, not even to myself.  I have mended a bit in those six months.  I've gotten a little stronger and a lot more self centered. I say that with extreme pride, because being self centered is not easy for me.  I am doing my best to practice vital self care and it has been paying off.  I'm starting to find some of the "me" that I haven't seen in a long time.

The relationship wasn't all bad.  We clearly liked each other a lot.  He was fun and could be sweet and incredibly kind.  I loved him very, very much.  The six months ago part of the breakup was heart wrenching and it hurt, like... SO a lot.  When I left, I was too depleted to even consider sorting my things and moving so I only took the bare necessities.  Six months later seemed like a good time to take the next step.  Last weekend I moved the rest of my stuff out of his place.  I thought I was doing ok, but it hurts a lot too.  It has taken me by surprise.  It's so permanent.  My unrealistic hope has nothing left to feed it and so I'm looking at the reality that it really is over.  Going through our stuff was so sad.  So many wonderful memories and there we were trying to decide who gets to keep them.  And then what?  Do you throw them out completely when you find someone else?  Do you just throw away the entire box of memories to start over again?  Ugh!

I can't wallow forever and I don't want to, but I'm so disappointed.  I will eventually put on my big girl pants, suck it up and walk towards the rest of my life.  Eventually.

Monday, August 15, 2011

I Still Believe in Love

I still like to hold his hand in a parking lot.  I still like it when he kisses me goodbye in the morning while I'm half asleep.  I still like it when I hear the door open and he has come home from work.  I still love to see him smile and crack stupid jokes.  He is my favorite person to tell my secrets to.  I love that in a movie, he's always worried about the dog.  I still like seeing his bum.

I don't want any of this to change and I hope it never will.  I hope that all the things I love about him will continue to grow, because I believe in our ability to grow as people.  I believe in his ability to grow as a person and with that, I will love and admire him even more.  I hope he can say the same about me and I hope that we grow up to be the kind of people who learn to focus on the best in each other.

This thought was inspired by a conversation I had today with a group of cynics.  While I know where the cynicism comes from, it still creeps in and scares me a little.  I want to run to the window and yell out "I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE!", which is essentially what I'm doing in this post.  I don't want to give up thinking that two people can grow old together and be happier for it.  That life can be good and will hold value for both people for having been open and understanding and that a relationship can still be exciting 15 years later.

If you asked me my opinion on relationships three years ago, it would have been so very different than it is today.  I was more cynical and less optimistic back then.  Having overcome a few hurdles, I feel more hopeful and I want to hold on to that.  I believe in monogamy, commitment, loyalty and most of all, Forgiveness.

To my cynics:  I love you and have learned a lot from you.  I still look to you for advice and I know your life experiences have taught you things I have yet to learn.  I think we should revisit this post in ten years and re-evaluate our positions.  Maybe we will all have a good laugh.  :)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

A Game of Tag

I was tagged by My Sister-in-Law

 1. Four Places I Go-

    * PetCo.  It always seems like somebody needs something.  Indy LOVES going with.
    * Whole Foods.  Tuesday 15% off day has helped me to limit my spending to only that day. (Mostly)
    * Work.  Not that exciting, but part of every week day.  Blah!
    * Jeremy.  An almost nightly ritual.  I sneak up on him and snuggle for a few minutes.

2. Four Of My Favorite Smells-

    * Lavender.  It's just serene.
    * Coconut Oil.  It makes me hungry for some reason.  I love wearing it as lotion and feeling yummy. 
    * Jeremy's Armpits.  He smells like home.
    * Jason's Jojoba Conditioner.  Don't know how to describe it, but it's good!

3. Four Favorite Shows/Movies-

    * Friday Night Lights
    * Rules of Engagement
    * The Good Wife
    * Top Gear (British Version)

4. Four Recomendations-

    * Love and enjoy quiet moments alone.
    * Never let anger have any room in your relationship.  It leaves more room for Love.
    * Meditate daily.  It never seems fun, but it will change your life.  It will TRULY change your life.
    * Take care of your body.  Feed it well.  Treat it with respect.

And there you have it.  :)

I tag anyone else who wants to play.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Forgiveness and Letting Go

I have been harboring some pretty angry feelings towards someone and I'm having a really hard time figuring out exactly how to move beyond them.  I don't speak to this person and she is not a part of my daily life, but she has greatly impacted my life by her behavior.  I don't know how many times I have rehearsed what I'd like to say to her.  I know in the end, it wouldn't actually make me feel better.  I feel like she is painfully weak to begin with and so telling her just how messed up she is would only make it worse.

I feel stuck. I understand that some of my feelings are part of my own personal damage.  I have some serious sore spots and as a result, I expect more distance from the parts that still sting.  I want total distance.  I want to bury it a thousand feet down.  I'd be totally happy if she just magically disappeared from the earth.

I don't think this person knows how I feel nor do I think she cares.  This is a big reason why I feel like I need to tell her.  But... I won't.  Instead, I'll search my soul to find a way to let it all go and accept that people are flawed and broken in their own ways and cannot help themselves.  I'm a little worn out by the whole forgiving people thing.  I've had my fill for a few decades.

Until the magic day when I can breath that peaceful feeling of forgiveness, I will probably continue to use lots and lots of four letter words to replace her name. !*@&$(&   #*&^  !!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A Post About Boredom

It's only Tuesday and I've finished all my job stuff STUFF.  This is going to be a long and slow week ahead.  I suppose my desk needs to be cleaned and perhaps I can organize things, but I'm so not looking forward to the feeling of nothing ahead of me.  Why is it that if you have one or two things you need to do, but don't do, that you feel just fine about doing nothing?  It doesn't work the other way around.  When you have nothing to do, it seems agonizing.

I think I can make myself feel better by writing a gratitude list.

Crap! All I want to come up with right now is an irritation list.


Friday, September 17, 2010

What I Come Home To Everyday

This is the sweet face I see every time I walk in the door. Doesn't it just warm your heart?

The AFTER...

From months ago when you saw us ripping up the lawn... Here is the house AFTER the improvements. Sadly, half of my flowers have died but I hope they will make a comeback next year since they are Perennials. :) Jeremy did most of this himself. I offered moral support.

An Update

I haven't had the time, space (ok, mostly desire) to blog the last year. I have been thinking that I need write an update to my PMS blog, because things have improved quite a bit.

8 months ago, I was a wreck. I felt awful more often than I felt good. I was semi-psychotic and feeling crazy really drives your self esteem into the ground.

I started seeing a hormone specialist in December of last year. We tested my hormones and found as I knew we would, that I was deficient in estrogen, progesterone, DHEA, Testosterone and Cortisol. My body was basically on strike. I don't know what the underlying cause is, but I know I've suffered for a long time. Perhaps it is caused by stress or maybe I'm just stressed because I don't produce enough hormones. Or... could be a little bit of both.

The doctor first put me on bioidentical Progesterone and DHEA. She figured doing this would boost my estrogen and testosterone. By the third month, I wasn't feeling all that much better and my hot flashes were getting worse. She tested me again and found my estrogen and testosterone had both gotten even lower. This time she put me on a bioidentical estrogen patch, called Vivelle-dot. The patch is replaced every 3 and 1/2 days. During the first month I would feel great the first two days and then go back to feeling horrible the last day and a half. My body hadn't stored up enough estrogen reserves and so I was having withdrawal symptoms as the patch strength declined. The second month, I felt absolutely amazing. I felt what it was to be normal for the first time in years. Things that usually bothered me, didn't. I felt positive almost all the time. I had amazing patience, etc. By the third month on Estrogen, I started having strange periods and I still am, which kinda freaks me out. One month I have a mostly normal cycle of about 30 -33 days, but every other month, I'll have a short cycle of about 19 - 22 days. I feel ok, but my body is confused. We tested a few weeks ago and I'll get the results back soon. I suspect either my progesterone has increased and I may not need to supplement anymore or that my estrogen is now too high. We will look over results and then adjust accordingly and hope that it will iron itself out. Hormones change every day so this will be something that has to be watched and adjusted from time to time. Ugh!

The down side of all of this is the cost. I've spent about $2k out of pocket since I started. Insurance doesn't cover my doctor, doesn't cover my prescriptions or my tests. It has been frustrating to say the least.

I don't regret going this route, because at least I found out a piece of the puzzle and that it wasn't all in my head. My game plan going forward is to REST and then rest some more. I think my body needs time to repair itself. Running it like I was while it was essentially on empty didn't do me any favors. I am eating more fruits and vegetables and less sugar and it really seems to make a difference in how I feel. You are what you eat. I find that I like being a strawberry.

I know a lot of women deal with PMS and fatigue. I think most of the doctors out there will just tell you that you are fine and to deal with it. I think that feeling less than good is truly NOT how we should feel. It isn't normal and I don't think a person should have to suffer through it. I'm still searching for a way to keep myself in check. I'd ultimately like to find out what is causing this and fix that. Until then, I'm keeping the worst of it at bay and trying to do good things for my body. Losing my health is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. My last word of advice: Be nice to yourselves and take care of the body you were given.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Michelle - This is for You!!!

This is a post on the fly so that I could make my post about PMS move down the line so that the next time Michelle checks my blog, she won't have to see that horrible picture.

Let's see... I just finished cleaning the bathroom. That is fascinating. Jeremy is asleep in bed already and I think he faked sleep so that he wouldn't have to let Indy out for his last potty trip. I wish I were that good. Typically I can't fall asleep until I know the dog has been out and typically, I have to ask if I don't want to do it myself. Such is life.

Oh.. I know what I can post about. My garden. Here are pictures of our new square foot garden. We have planted somewhere around 30 different vegetables and we have high hopes that they will all somehow grow. Jeremy did a really nice job on the box and he even mapped out the whole thing and planned where each vegetable would go according to where it liked to grow best. Notice the pictures of the ripped up lawn, which I helped with. It was not easy and I'm still stiff and sore today.

First, we ripped up the lawn....

This is the sod cutter, which is REALLY difficult to maneuver.

Jeremy being kind and putting bags on his feet before he tracked mud through the house (again).

The garden...

We will be laying new sod soon. To be continued...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My Own Post Secret Post

I wish deep down that I had the perfect listener, who didn't judge me or wish that I was different than I am right now, who understood that today will change and would convey that to me through understanding. I wish that when I was feeling truly awful, that all my negativity would bounce off this person and be transformed into a warm hug, just because they listened and let me get it out of my system without it damaging them. Where are you perfect listener? I need you.

Monday, November 30, 2009

2009: A PMS Odyssey

For those of you who know me, you understand that I am sometimes reactive. You have experienced my extreme moods and know when I have reached THAT place where I go off ... OFF meaning that I am transported into a tunnel where all I see is the rage I feel. I lose sight that the world is complex and full of billions of different interpretations and meanings and the only thing I see is how truly wrong the person is who dared to piss me off. I feel this immediate need to correct them and to let them know how unbelievably stupid they are. I feel like it is vital that they also know that they don't deserve to breathe the same air as I do and that their very existence is a cosmic joke on me. It's ugly. Very, very, ugly.

I've dealt with these feelings for quite a few years. I have been better or worse depending upon how regular my cycles are and how healthy I'm feeling. I have been close to normal several times in my life, only to get bumped by something stupid, like antibiotics or some other medication or severe stress. I feel like I'm ALMOST there and then ... I fall into a hole again. It sucks! Big time.

PMS is a horrible thing to experience. People laugh about it. Women console each other and so do men. They have support groups on the internet for both men and women. One site for men is called, "trackyourbitch.com". I suggested it for Jeremy, thinking he would find some humor in the situation, but quite honestly, the concept of PMS doesn't make me laugh. I find it disturbing and humiliating and shameful. There is nothing funny about feeling THIS bad. To understand just how awful it is, here is a list of how I feel right now.

  • My head feels full of pressure and I'm slow to think.
  • My boobs feel like I've had breast implants. They are hard and sore and they hurt when I move.
  • My lower back aches and I have pinchy pains in my uterus and ovaries.
  • My feet are swollen and they feel like I have rocks in the bottoms of them.
  • I'm craving strange foods, but nothing satisfies me.
  • I'm retaining water and I feel bloated.
  • I have insomnia and restless legs at night. I'm hot then cold then hot then cold. I'm uncomfortable and when I do sleep, I have nightmares about little mice who've had their back and hind legs flattened, but don't die and then I have to put them out of their misery, but they don't make it easy.
  • I feel paranoid and distrustful.
  • I have a hair trigger response to anger.
  • I'm depressed and hopeless.
  • I have ugly, painful acne.
  • I cry in frustration over the slightest hiccup in the day.
  • I feel extreme rage towards my fellow co-workers when they are stupid. (Normally, I'm moderately understanding about co-worker stupidity, but PMS makes me totally intolerant.)
  • Everyone around me irritates me, but I try my best to hold it in and not tell them.

I've experimented with hormone replacement over the years. I've used bioidenticals, which are a bitch, because your body changes every day and it's hard to standardize the dose. I've attempted birth control twice in my life. The first time I was so sick. The second time I was sick and paranoid that I had a blood clot in my leg. If I know a medication CAN cause a blood clot, I'll feel one and then freak out about it. Ick! I've tried Prozac and though they say it takes several weeks to kick in, they lie. I felt it a few days after and it made me SO depressed I couldn't function. I had fully expected it to cure me. I've tried diet modification. I've gone without sugar for over a year. I've tried cleanses, herbs, vitamins, acupuncture, yoga, etc.. I think that all of these things have merit and can work for me, but something always seems to happen and I get bumped. The most success I've had so far has been with kombucha tea. It seems to have helped regulate my cycle, but I stopped drinking it daily. I got screwed up with another medication and now I'm starting over.

My current prescription for moderating my PMS is exercise, calcium/mag, fish oil, B vitamin complex, kombucha tea and keeping my stress down. It's hard though, because PMS just amps me up and stress overwhelms me. I find it defeating that it requires such an effort to stay balanced. I feel like a ticking time bomb and like I have to watch myself every second of the day and keep on schedule or I'll take a nose dive.

I hate what PMS does to my relationship, because Jeremy can't do anything right. I want him to read my mind and to just FIX this horrible feeling. I go from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. I hate this about myself. My feelings seem very real and legitimate. Most of them are, but the feelings are so over-amplified that any legitimacy they have is lost. I feel like 3 to 5 days of the month, I'm nearly insane. I have another 5 to 6 where I'm just irritable. That's nearly 10 days a month that I'm not very fun to be around, which has got to suck for the people who have to endure me. I'm sorry to all of you. I wish I had a magic solution.

What bothers me more than anything is knowing that my PMS is discussed while I'm not there to defend myself. I know that the people close to me need an outlet, because it's difficult to deal with me, but I feel like it becomes a scapegoat for EVERYTHING. Real issues get lost, because I overreacted about stupid crap like not being cuddled the "right" way. Unhappy events are portrayed as if it was all about me and my PMS. When I hear a story come back to me and I know it's totally ass backwards and exaggerated and these are MY friends he's talking to, I have to wonder what his friends hear. That sucks! I'm sure his friends don't hear about his bad moods, over-reactive behavior, etc.. They hear about mine, because PMS is something everyone can relate to (exploit). Just my take, but then again... I'm mid-PMS as I speak.

So, here's the deal... I know I have PMS. I know when I'm under its influence. I know it sucks for the people in my life. I also know it's NOT the only reason I get angry. I do experience justifiable anger and frustration. I do experience being on the opposite side of less than perfect behavior on the part of someone else and I think I have a right to express my irritation about it. I'm coming out about my PMS, but I do NOT want to be branded as irrational. Can anyone else understand this dilemma? I'm coming clean, but I want there to be a fair understanding about it. I'm also open to anyone's suggestions if they have any.

The End

Friday, November 6, 2009

I'm 32

This isn't an update on me turning a new age. My birthday was in August. I'm just stating the fact that I'm 32 years old. I'm still young enough to accomplish a great deal in my life. I have a lot of experiences left to live. This hit me today, because I'm not living up to my potential. To be quite honest, I am currently existing in a state that is lacking the vibrancy and creativity that are part of who I am. I want to be more. I want to have energy to feel good more often. I feel ok. I feel happy, but I want to feel more through what I accomplish. I want to feel enough drive when I come home to put on my shoes and take the dog for a daily run. I want to walk in my house and feel a sense of calm and relaxation, because I'm organized and I don't have THINGS hovering over me. I feel like I have an audience at home right now. The pile of clothes on the floor and the extra two tables that I'm not using, but haven't put in storage. The boxes and boxes of papers and receipts and extra kitchen supplies are all staring at me, watching me and stealing my air. It's like I can't take a really good, deep breath. I want that deep breath.

I relish tranquil moments. They provide me with the ability to defrag my mind. I have a million jumbled thoughts and most of those are just garbage. When I can find a moment where I'm not fighting off so many THINGS too overwhelming to handle, my brain flows with creativity. I'm the kind of person who gets a runners high, though I'm not a true runner. I love moving my body and it makes me feel a rush of adrenaline. I also get a thinkers high. One thought will spark another and it will send off a rush of happy feelings for knowing it CAN think in such a way. I haven't done that in a very long time. I require more space to attain tranquility and more tranquility to find creativity and harmony. I need for things to have a place to belong and an efficiency about them. Functionality in my life is directly related to my ability to find and enjoy tranquil moments. Here's how I'll break it down, because I have a plan to get here.

My ideal life would be this...

I would live just a few blocks away on a quiet, odd numbered street (or is it even? Jeremy says one or the other is better for quiet) in a slightly more spacious house. My house would be old with lots of character, but newly remodeled with functional electrical outlets, upgraded heat (preferably that comes out of the floor so I can sit on the heat vent), new windows that don't draft and hard surface floors throughout. My kitchen would be open and have a large pantry and plenty of drawers and cupboards that open and close. I would be perfectly satisfied with two bathrooms, but wouldn't complain about three. I would have a laundry room on the main floor, just outside the bedroom for ease of washing. I would have half of a basement devoted to storage so that Jeremy could keep everything that he can't discard, safe and sound. I would have storage areas throughout the house with an awesome closet just for my linens. I'm slightly obsessed with linens. The house would come with a garage off to the side that would be Jeremy's work room, complete with a fan and heater. I would have a modest yard with a fence for the dog and cat and a lovely bird feeder. Wait.. the bird feeder probably needs to go in the front yard now that I have a cat. That is not a detail I should overlook.

I would have a job that pays well enough so that I only work 25 hours a week and I would go to school part time. I haven't decided what I will study yet, but it will be something that stimulates my mind and gives me that giddy feeling after I've thought some good thoughts.

I would be an early riser who feels GOOD in the mornings and I would take daily runs with Indy. I would have enough time left over in my day to keep up routines with my house so that it stays organized and happy. Houses need love and attention or they start to feel sad and then they spread that sadness to those who live there. My house would feel lots of love and it would love me back so that my energy would keep on cycling and not be sucked away. I love you future house!

I would make delicious dinners for me and Jeremy and after dinner we would talk and laugh and then either watch a good show or do our own things. It's so relaxing, isn't it?

My ideal life is SO amazing. I'm really not that far from it. I think I have hope. I just need to adjust a few settings and then I'll be well on my way. Woo hoo for my new ideal life!

I feel better just thinking about it.


Thursday, November 5, 2009


Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Ode to Jeremy

Happy Birthday Jeremy!

I have been wanting to write a post dedicated to you for a very long time. I'm glad that I have a good excuse to express some nice things about you.

For those of you who don't know it, I LOVE Jeremy. He's wonderful in a million ways that make me happy like I've never been. He has challenged me more than anyone I have ever met, but he has also taught me a lot about myself.

Jeremy is a really good person. He has a very kind soul. He is exceptionally tolerant of all creatures great and small. He allows Sophie to use him as a human couch/bed/trampoline. She does this sometimes for hours and he just lays there and takes it without showing any annoyance. Occasionally he will ask me to rescue him and I'll have to pick her up and carry her away so he can get up, but this is rare and usually only if it's a dire emergency. If he comes home to find a potty accident, he doesn't say anything. He just takes care of it. (Fyi... Potty accident by pets not me. Though I'm sure he would be just as nice if I peed on the floor.) Jeremy tries to see the best in people. He gives every person he meets the benefit of the doubt before making any negative assumptions about them. He is very generous in his understanding of people and why they do things. He is also very forgiving.

Jeremy has a mind all of his own. He is painfully independent in both thought and deed. He has one of the most fascinating minds I've ever met. Fascinating because of how he thinks, how his mind handles information, and how quickly it moves. He is by far the most resourceful human being I know. If I want information about something, I ask Jeremy. I respect his knowledge and opinions more than he knows. I'm not the only one in his life who goes to him with questions. He is the go to guy for both family and friends. If he doesn't already know it, which he most often does, he can find it in a matter of seconds. He gathers information quickly and always finds the best stuff. I thought I was resourceful until I met Jeremy. I admire his mind very much.

One of my favorite activities is laughing. I adore laughing with Jeremy. I love that he tries to get me to laugh. He will replay movies and tv shows just to see if I'll laugh. He actually calls me in, catches me up on the story and then plays it all over again so he can watch me chuckle. He doesn't think I see it, but I do. It's very endearing. He's a good laugher too. He gets this little boy look on his face when he's got a belly laugh going on. It just makes me giggle harder. He has such a quick wit and he's very funny. We had a conversation once about his comedic ability. He's not necessarily constant unless he's on a roll, but he can deliver lines weaved into conversation that almost feel staged, because they are so good and happen so fast. I think he is much funnier than he realizes.

There are many, many good traits that Jeremy possesses. I could go on, but I think I love Jeremy, because I do. He is so dear to me and so close to my heart. I love living with him, sleeping next to him every night and waking up to him every day. I love being kissed every morning before he leaves to work. I love working with him on projects when we are both in a happy working place. I love watching silly shows together. I love going on walks. I love sitting around and pointing out all the silly things the dog and cat do. I love it when we are laying in bed and Indy and Sophie both jump up to join in. Jeremy feels like home and though we haven't perfected it all yet, I see enough love and desire between us to get there. I know I am a better person for knowing him.

I love you J!!!!! Looking forward to seeing your lovely face tomorrow... or today. :)



Friday, October 16, 2009

The Muffin I Never Knew

A couple of weeks ago, I was having some back pain and I realized that it was near my kidneys. I was rubbing my back and thought it felt kind of swollen, so I pulled my pants down and looked at it in the mirror. I was horrified at what I saw. My back was SO swollen. I was in a bit of a panic, because I have hypochondriac tendencies, so I asked Jeremy to look at it. He kept looking as I was pinching and showing him all the "puffiness". I was like... "OMG, look how swollen it is!" He was like... "I don't see anything abnormal honey." I just thought he was being a guy and didn't notice the HUGE, PUFFY, SWOLLEN area surrounding my hips. I was a little insulted that he would insinuate that my back always looked like that.

Fast forward a week. My back pain had subsided. It felt better by the next day actually and nothing was wrong with my kidneys though I was terrified for a few hours that I had kidney cancer or possibly something worse. Anyway, I was looking in the mirror and had a painful realization. I have that whole muffin thing going on. I don't usually wear pants that are tight around my waist so I never have muffin TOP, but I do have the muffin. I had convinced myself that I hadn't been bestowed that womanly gift. It turns out that I have been wearing muffin blinders for years. Everyone has the ability to block out certain aspects of their body that they just can't come to terms with and apparently this is one of MY things. I mean, most of the time when I look in the mirror, I elongate my body so things look slimmer. I turn and look at myself from only the best angles. Who knew I was carrying such a soft pillow around my hips all these years? I'm still in shock.

P.S. I told Tammy this story and she laughed and told me to blog about it, which is why I did. This post is dedicated to her amusement. :)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Jeremy Review

Today is a B O R I N G day at work. To spice it up, while I was at Target shopping for lunch, I bought what looked like a delicious Pumpkin Tart. Just the word "Tart" makes me think YUM. I like that word, even knowing the slang definition is prostitutional. I just picture the scene in Bridget Jones Diary, where she shows up to the Tarts and Vicors party wearing a bunny outfit and fishnet tights. It cracks me up. Anyway, back to the Tart in my story.

It was packaged beautifully, which should give it some credit. It was however, dry and dry and did I say dry? The crust should have been flaky, but it was hard and the whipped cream on top was OLD. It was disappointing. Archer Farms should not sell Tarts. The best part of the dessert was the rolled up piece of chocolate on top.

For those of you who do not know what a "Jeremy Review" is, I'll explain. When I first met Jeremy, we used to go to lunches out a lot. I don't know how I started asking him about his meals, but I did. Probably because I knew he would be responsive. At any rate, if you ask Jeremy about his opinion on something, particularly food, you will get a very thoughtful response. I used to call him critical, because it seemed that he more often criticized his food. Today, I've realized that he is actually less picky about food than I am. We like different things, but he likes more. When I want to critique a food, I think of him and so I've deemed food criticism, a "Jeremy Review".

Saturday, September 19, 2009


I was driving to work today and just before I got on the freeway, I noticed this grasshopper hanging on to the outside of my drivers side window. I was at a stop light and I just looked at him. I don't like grasshoppers. I think they are really ugly and they creep me out, because when they jump on you, their legs stick to your skin. It makes me feel like they have attached themselves to me and ... ewwwwww!!!!!!!! Anyway, I sat there looking at this grasshopper and he looked back at me. I knew the minute I got on the freeway that he would be blown right off and would eventually land on someone's windshield or grill and would be squashed. My first thought was that there wasn't anything I could do and this was just what happened to stupid bugs. Then I thought about opening up my window and letting him stay in the cab with me, but that was way too creepy to follow through with. At last, I realized that I could pull over and flick him to a patch of grass. I could have sworn that he looked at me and was trying to communicate something. He seemed satisfied enough when I finally pulled over, because the minute I rolled down my window, he jumped to the safety of the grass.

I don't know what caused me to have such sympathy for this bug, especially when I usually react with a scream. I saw a cockroach this morning on his back and knew he'd been there since the night before, only I saw his feet move this morning. I just left him there. I shut my mind to the fact that he was trying to live and would probably die after a long struggle. Now... I feel guilty. Why is it ok for bugs to suffer and die? Why don't we consider their lives valuable too? I must be stuck in the mindset of a 3 year old, because some days I can't grasp where to draw the line. Alive is alive. It's something that has bothered me for a very long time. I committed mass murder of several hundred Box Elder bugs. What did they ever do to me?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Still On My Mind...

I know a virtual girl who was living this wonderful love story. Two weeks ago, her love story ended in the most unfair way and I can't wrap my mind around it. I'm still crying about it. I think about it and I'm like ... "OMG.. this can't be real" and then I go on and live my life, but every time I think about it again and think about the days and hours and minutes that have gone by where I'm ok, I realize that she's not. Those days and hours and minutes still feel to her as if she has a dagger in her heart. She's still in the nightmare. I can turn off the sad movie, but she can't.

There is something about connectedness that makes us feel like this life we are living isn't just a figment of our imaginations. Someone else is experiencing THIS too. Someone else relates to the joy we feel when we fall in love and when we find out that someone has broken our heart. Those are not isolated feelings that only we experience. People know our joys and our pain and knowing that... is comforting for some reason. Kirsten knew my heartbreak, because she experienced it just weeks apart from me. I felt that connectedness to her through her blog and knowing someone else knew my pain was comforting. Watching her get back up and find love and happiness again was healing.

I know that many, many people felt the same shock and sadness that I did for Kirsten. I know many of these people are strangers to her just as I am. I've never met her. I had the opportunity once while at a Lilly Allen concert, but I was too shy to introduce myself. I thought it might be weird to be like... "Hey I totally forgot you go here! I'm Teresa's Mind Spring". I haven't perfected the blogger to blogger introductions yet. At any rate.. my point was... so many people have felt the shared pain and they have felt it deeply. The night I heard, I laid in bed with Jeremy and soaked him with my tears. We talked about it and tried to make sense of it. The next day, I just felt numb and couldn't stop thinking about it. I talked with my friend Tammy and tried to think of a possible way to make any amount of difference. From the outside looking in, Kirsten seems like the kind of person who has many, many good people surrounding her. She has a support system and people who are holding her hand all the way through. I wanted to feel like I had something to contribute as a blogging connection. I haven't come up with anything magical. All I have is the ability to communicate that I still play her movie and I feel a small portion of her grief. It's not even close to being able to say that I truly connect and identify with her reality, but I still feel the sadness. The crappy thing about grief is that most people move on so much sooner than you do and there seems to be an expiration date on the kind of comfort you really need. I just wanted to express to Kirsten that if she ever feels like comfort has expired in all the usual places, that I'd still listen and cry with her if she needed it. I want to hope that there is a purpose to this life and the things we experience. I don't KNOW, but I hope and that gives me just a tiny bit of peace. I do know that connections to others make all the difference. Life without love and kindness and understanding is empty. I will hope for you Kirsten and I will wish for peace to come soon. Until then, hang on and know that you are loved and supported by so many people.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

2 Things I Love

I am about to post recipes for two home brewed products that make me feel like a real homemaker. I am recommending them, because I use them ALL the time.

The scrub recipe was given to me by Tammy and it is amazing for cleaning anything. I used it on a disgusting, greasy oven... and it was like magic. It is especially great on hard water stains on showers and faucets. It's better than Lime away and CLR or CRL or whatever that other thing is. It is by far my favorite cleaner EVER!

Vinegar Scrub:

1/4 Cup Baking Soda
1 Tbs Dish Soap
Just enough white distilled vinegar to make a paste.

You mix the soda and soap and then add enough vinegar to make a paste. It will bubble at first, but will settle down.

The fabric softener recipe was given to me by my boyfriend's mother. It is so simple and at first I wasn't sure how much I liked it, but after using one of my freshly washed towels this morning, I was totally impressed. I can spend a lot on fabric softener, because I buy environmentally friendly brands and they are pricey. This is SO cheap. It works great and takes away static while keeping clothes soft. I buy the Whole Foods 365 brand conditioner, because it is inexpensive, environmentally friendly and it doesn't have a lot of perfume. The other great bonus is that it works in HE machines.

Fabric Softener:

3 cups white vinegar
2 cups hair conditioner
6 cups water

Pour all into container. Stir well.

Enjoy and let me know if you try any of these and like them.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Interview

What is your current obsession?
Vacuuming up Box Elder Bugs before they totally gross me out. I've never vacuumed so much in my life. The are EVERYWHERE and they just die wherever they want to. I don't like bugs, but what I dislike more than bugs are DEAD bugs.

What do you hate the most that everybody else seems to love? Facebook quizzes. They make me grumpy and I hide them from view, even if I really like the person who took it. I think they are just there to gather your information and I hate that idea.

What are you wearing today? Currently: New shorts from Target (pale green) with a yellow t-shirt that was given to me by Lucy (Michelle's daughter). It says "Little Miss Naughty".

What I wore to work:
Black slacks, tealish blue top. TOTALLY boring. I'm so depressed about my lack of style. That might have been a suitable answer to what I obsess about. I long for great clothes that actually represent who I see myself to be. Sure, I'm practical, but I want to look good being so practical. You know what I mean?

What's for dinner? Frozen margarita pizza from the Smith's organic brand. It was ok. I didn't feel like cooking.

What would you eat for your last meal? Drunken stir fry/noodles (heavy on the Thai basil) and Thai fried rice from Thai Lotus. Gratino from Tuccis. I hate Tucci's but they have THE best creme brulee.

What's the last thing you bought? A soap dispenser from Target, which I hoped would please my roommate only to find out that once again.. he is too stubborn to buy into anything that I like. I also bought new shorts and two new, VERY boring shirts. Are you following the theme of this questionnaire?

What are you listening to right now? Jeremy playing Rock Band and banging the drums in his forever quest to find rhythm. He says he's given up hope, but that boy NEVER quits.

What do you think of the person that tagged you? I'm very envious of her. She's beautiful and witty and has a very grounded, very real sense of the world and herself, enough to be totally aware of her neurosis to make special fun of it. I find her quite refreshing and easy to relate to. Thanks for tagging me Kirsten. I was totally excited!

If you could have a house, fully paid for, and totally furnished anywhere in the world, where would it be? I have a fascination with Seattle, but I think I would hate it a month in. I like dryish climates with lovely skies, so .... how about Tahiti? Kidding. That is a truly difficult question. I pick ..... Jackson, Wyoming, but I'd have to own a private jet and have a private bear body guard.

What is one of your hobbies? This is sad. I was going to say... laundry. I don't know if dancing like a nut at weddings counts, but I like it and I do it, a lot!

What are 3 things that annoy you most?

Watching people being lazy. Like when someone is perfectly capable of picking something up (especially when it is convenient for them), but instead they find a really lame excuse to avoid doing it.

Dog poop. It's truly one of my least favorite things in life. It really stinks and it is never ending. I despise it on the lawn and so I confront it every single day.

Being woken up before I'm ready. I hate it when I have 30 more minutes to sleep and someone or something robs me of that.

What is your favorite color? I find myself really drawn to black lately. I need to figure out if that means something dark. I love color variety. It's easier to say what I don't like... hot pink and peach. Not good colors.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe? We are back on theme ... I think my favorite piece of clothing has to be the most comfortable, so I'll say my new tie dyed skirt that I bought at the farmers market. It wraps around and is pretty cute as well as super cozy.

What is your dream job? Writing pieces on any subject that actually means something. I'd love to write about really great things. I'd obviously be really good at it considering how well I just described that.

Describe your personal style. Again? Seriously... is someone just trying to rub it in? I'm like the girl in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", before she looked mostly normal.

What are you going to do after this? Fold towels and clothes laying on the bed and then coerce myself into it.

What is your favorite "happy hour" at Sonic? I think I've only made it to happy hour once, but I do like their iced teas. They are low in sugar and refreshing.

What inspires you? Talking with people who care and who are educated through life experience. Watching courage and kindness in people who have lives far more challenging than I do.

Who was the last person you kissed? Jeremy, for buying me some new shoes in hopes that they might make me feel better about my lack of style.

What are you currently reading? Stumbling on Happiness. It's quite interesting. It is actually an illustration about tenses and how they play into our choices and inevitably our own ability to determine what will make us happy.

What delighted you most today? To be totally honest.. I was most delighted by knowing I had something fun to write about tonight. Pathetic, hu?

By what criteria do you judge a person? I used (by the way, is it USED or USE?) to judge people heavily by how kind they were to bugs. Not many people lived up to my rigid standards of catch and release, so I've had to let that go. I still judge people by their sensitivity to living creatures and by their awareness of their actions, especially the ones that most of us don't think about. I like people who spend a bit of extra cash to avoid sending crappy chemicals into the water system where it will eventually poison a whale or add to the toxic burden of a sick kid. I like people who care. One thing I admire very much in people is being straight. Not the heterosexual kind... just the ones who you don't have to question. Who they say they are is who they REALLY are. I also appreciate people who are not offended by my blunt, in your face reactions. "Blessed are the unfazed, for they shall be called the children of God." OR... people who can stand to be my friends. :)

Ok.. that was lots of fun! Thanks so much for tagging me. It is my turn now.

I tag ... Teresa, Michelle, Tammy, Stanford and Allison.

The rules: 1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Acting My Sex

I am a woman. Most people think that being a woman just means that you cry a lot, you have boobs and you get your period. Oh, but it's so much more...

Being a woman means that you try WAY too hard all the time to make life good for everyone else in your life, especially those truly fortunate souls who are not of your same gender. You know ... MEN.

Women are planners. We plan for good things and we plan how to avoid bad things. We plan for other people too. We can magically see ahead into the future to know how to avoid small disasters, like an overdrawn bank account or the need for toilet paper after a certain date. Men think all these things magically happen and when they take enough time to realize that we actually play a role in them, they tell themselves that we do it because it makes us happy. We love to serve, so it would be wrong to rob us of that deeply ingrained desire to sacrifice so much of our time and energy on their behalf.

Women are a lot like sled dogs. We will run ourselves to death. We don't even notice that we are tired, because there is more to be done and so we do it. Meanwhile, men think we are just doing what makes us happy. We aren't. We are doing what we think needs to be done and we wouldn't do so much if less needed to be done. ie: Men should look around, see what they might be able to help with and spare some poor woman. We don't have a shut off button. We need to be forced at times to relax, because relaxation doesn't happen for us until our responsibilities have been taken care of. If a child cries (or a dog) it's automatic for us to fix what is causing the cry or at the very least, show some comfort. Men... they don't even hear the cry. They have a special part of their brain devoted to shutting out the parts of the world that they don't wish to experience. If anyone can perform magic, it is a man. I want that talent. It's totally amazing!

I have been shocked by how much I have stepped into the female role. I thought between my two parents that I was so much more like my dad. It turns out that I'm not. I'm my mother. No matter how much I try to rebel as a female, I cannot escape my fate. I will live out the rest of my life as a slave to my own, totally ass backward nature. That is so unfair!~

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I'm a bit of a procrastinator and I know other people in my life who procrastinate. Seeing it in someone else has opened my eyes to myself, which has pushed me to want to know more about what causes it and how to overcome it. What I found was rather interesting. It said that "Procrastination is always based on a dysfunctional worldview, such as that "short term relief or pleasure is better than sacrifice for long-term rewards," along with irrational disregard for negative consequences." This makes perfect sense to me. I would have to agree that when I'm procrastinating, I'm often thinking that the short term relief of pressure will make me feel better. I have an ability to look into my dark future and somehow alter the consequences of not getting something accomplished. I either convince myself that it really isn't that important or that I'll have time JUST before it's REALLY due to get it done. I tend to think that the imminent deadline will motivate me when I'm lacking natural motivation.

I don't like this part of myself and I don't like it in other people. Nothing is more frustrating than someone NOT coming through for you when they said they would, especially in a working environment. I feel awful when I let someone else down or when I have to apologize for not getting something done that I know was expected of me. I tend to hate myself when I don't reach my own goals and expectations, especially when I know they are things that will create a better me. I want more energy and to get that, I have to start and continue to exercise and to sleep well and to eat well. I could do all that and it wouldn't be that difficult, but instead I will choose the quick fix. I'll rest instead of exercising and then I won't sleep well or I'll go out for dinner instead of planning a healthy meal at home. The consequences add up over time and then I find myself in a place so far from where I really want to be. It's FRUSTRATING. Why can't my mind be more in sync with the inevitable consequences of life?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ode to Michelle

Today is the birthday of my BFF, Michelle. As part of her birthday present, I'm going to broadcast some of the best things about her.

Michelle and I have known each other for more of our lives now than we haven't. There is something really cool about knowing someone so well and for so long. The longer you know someone, the more history you have to play off of for inside jokes. Michelle may possibly be THE funniest person I know. She is incredibly witty and bold and quite the physical comedian. She finds humor in shocking people, especially me. Generally this involves flashing me in unexpected ways, like the time she walked up the stairs ahead of me with only a shirt on. I expected she had panties on, but... NOPE! I appreciate this type of shock humor much more than say, just jumping out and scaring me. Michelle is funny in the way she tells a story. She will tell me a story about her day or Violet or her mother-in-law and I will be rolling. I always try to retell her stories to other people, thinking they are going to be just as funny and they never are. It's the WAY she tells the story and I'll never be able to repeat it.

One of my favorite memories of Michelle is about a year ago. She came over for a girls night and we had just come back from the store with goodies of some kind. About 2 minutes after we closed the door, she stood in the living room and pulled her pants down to reveal matching pajamas underneath. It was sort of like.. "Ok, I'm comfortable, I'm ready, let's do this thing." I just busted up laughing and she was confused as to why that was so funny. It's funny, because it was so Michelle. If she were coming to my house to help me cook something, I would fully expect her to come wearing an apron. She's like that. She is one of the most feminine women I know. I really like that about her, because she has helped me to incorporate more girly things into my life.

Michelle is incredibly creative. She has this amazing eye for patterns and color and I love the way she coordinates fabrics. She is constantly making things and she acts like it's no big deal, but I don't really think so. She has made so many things for people that they will cherish forever. Not only does she coordinate fabrics for things she sews, but she is really good at coordinating her own clothing. She has a unique style and has come up with color combinations that I have copied more than once. I've always been the slower one in regards to fashion. I used to borrow Michelle's clothes in middle school and high school, because she always had cute stuff. I don't know how many items I ruined (I'd be afraid to count), but Michelle was always (still is) nice about it when I did/do.

Michelle is an amazing mother. She loves her girls so much and they know it. She lets them be who they are and helps them to explore the world without fear. There are a lot of things that Michelle does as a mother that I would like to be/do with my own kids.

Besides all that, Michelle is just a really good person. She is self assured and authentic and so comfortable in her own skin. She never holds grudges, she takes people at face value and she makes the world a better place. She has been such a good friend to me. She accepts me for who I am and puts up with all my annoying habits, like when I'm late .. ALL the time. (I'm really trying to work on this one.) She put up with me being a social phobic for many years and didn't hold it against me when I missed birthdays. She is forgiving and has granted me pardon over things I probably wouldn't have been half as understanding about. She is always fun and she's a great listener and I am so happy to have her as my BFF.

Happy birthday Michelle!!! :)

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Valentine Confessions

Tomorrow is V-Day. You know.. that day where everyone expresses their love and they give you gifts that remind you that you are loved.


I have a confession. I have never had a real Valentine. Never. When I lived in California, the neighbor boy who had a crush on me, brought me a heart shaped box of chocolates. I thought it was so nice and I very much appreciated it, but I was sad, because I wished it had been from someone I really loved. Throughout my years of relationship drought, my mom has filled in and she always gave me something great. Don't get me wrong, I like Valentines Day and I don't think it's just about a significant other. It has sort of felt like an extension of Christmas, just without the evergreen and with a hint of spring. That's how my mom makes it feel to me.

This year, I have a significant other. He's quite significant in fact. Instead of being excited, I'm finding myself a little bit braced, like I just don't know what to expect. I do this thing when I don't want to feel disappointed and I just shut down any expectations. I become numb and act like I don't care at all. There is this little kid inside me though who really, really wants something great. Not a gift per say, but a real Valentine gesture. Well, ok.. a gift too. Something kind of traditional. I suppose it is my secret Valentines wish that I've had for years and it has never been fulfilled yet. At least not by someone I care about like that.

So.. that's my secret Valentine wish. The not so fun thing is that I'll probably have to make it a little more obvious if I don't want to end up disappointed. Though I know that communication is, you know, kind of a requirement, I still like to hope that people can just read my mind. Even when my deepest, darkest wishes stay ... deep and dark.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Little Bird

For many reasons, I identify with the lyrics of this song. Most people can't get through the music itself, because it's sad and melancholy, but I see it as sort of comforting.

Sometimes it's hard to say
Even one thing true
When all eyes have turned aside
They used to talk to you
And people on the streets seem to disapprove
So you keep moving away
And forget what you wanted to say

Little bird
Little bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden

Sometimes it's hard to tell the truth from the lies
Nobody knows what's in the hold of your minds
We are all building and people inside
Never know who walks through the door
Is it someone that you've met before

Little bird
Little Bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
Little bird

I know what I know
A wind in the trees and a road
That goes winding 'onder
From hear I see rain I hear thunder
Somewhere there's sun
And you don't need a reason

Sometimes it's hard to find a way to keep on
Quiet weekends, holidays
You come undone
Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me

Little bird
Little Bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
I'm golden

I have been sorting and sorting myself out over the last few weeks. The process itself is interesting and revealing and inevitably confusing, because every direction I begin to take loops back to something meaningless.

I was thinking about how everyone is the world wants outward recognition. I sometimes just think it's me, but I realized that I'm not so special in that regard. I want to be gifted and recognized for those gifts. Being beautiful or having an amazing singing talent or being really good and set apart as a horse trainer. The problem with that idea is that someone will always be more beautiful or sing better or be more talented. Someone will always be smarter or more well liked or more capable at this or that. What exactly am I here for? Is this life a competition? Do I have to compete to be the better person? Should I be afraid of losing my perceived status with other people? Do my deeds (good or bad) set me apart and make me "better" or "worse" than someone else? I know stupid and meaningless stuff will boost my self image for a short time. I can get dressed up and think I look nice and then I somehow feel elevated as a person. Is that what life is about though? Being pretty? Trying to get someone's attention? Working for recognition? It seems an exhausting concept, because there is so much up keep and maintenance required. You can't be pretty ALL the time. You can't be smart ALL the time. People don't like you ALL the time. External rewards are subjective, because they are not awarded unless you please your external audience, which is always changing.

I was watching a PBS program and Doug Fabrizio was interviewing the president of PBS, who happens to be female. I was really amazed at her ability to express herself. She was very bright, articulate and could express complex pieces of information in a way that was both easy to relate to, but also intelligent. She was this very average looking woman, but I was glued to her words. I started picturing how she made her way to that position. It was obviously well deserved. She commanded your respect. I wanted to be like her. I would get a lot of satisfaction out of being that self assured in that type of environment. I listen to Doug Fabrizo a lot and I really like him as well, because he's always so thoughtful in the questions he asks. He's an intellectual and he can take a subject and dissect it into so many pieces that make it seem so much bigger than you realized it could be. I guess that's what I want to be sometimes... bigger than I realize I am. Would it really matter though?

** I wrote this a few weeks or many months ago and never posted it. I read it again and thought... what the hell.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It Sucks to be SICK!!!!!!!!

I am sick. I was sick about 5 weeks ago too or maybe it was longer, I don't remember. The point is... I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Sick and I can't sleep and I'd like to complain about how I feel, because I have nobody else to talk to at 3:00 in the morning.

I have a fever and I can't figure out how you can go from burning up and having a temperature of 102 degrees and STILL being chilled to the bone. I was huddled in my blankets (down comforter and another blanket) and it still wasn't warm enough. It's such an odd feeling to be so hot and cold at the same time and not be sweating.

That lasted for a good 6 hours, until I took some Advil Cold & Sinus. I had to take 2 doses, because the first one didn't bring my fever down. I'm still hot at about 100 degrees, but I'm now sweating and actually FEELING hot. The cold medicine doesn't work, because it's supposed to stop the crap from running down my throat, but it hasn't AT ALL. Instead it has caused my heart to race and I feel like I'm on crack, while sweating profusely, while trying to breath and swallow without wincing in pain over my raw throat.

I can't sleep and so I'm up online trying to cope with my painful body and the chills and sweating and dry eyes and ....... on and on and on............ I'm miserable. Truly miserable. And I know I'm repeating myself, but I get to because I feel like crap and I'm delirious and totally high on bloody cold medicine.

The End

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Ode to Addie

There once was a dog named Addie. She was bright and beautiful and free. She loved with perfection and brought joy and light to the world. She was cherished in return and to her last breath, she knew she was so very loved. She will be greatly missed.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A Box of Surprises

So, I was looking for a cable to hook up my Tivo to my new satellite service and as it has almost been a year since I moved, I couldn't remember where it was or if it even still existed. In my searching through boxes that I have still not unpacked, I found an old box of letters and "stuff". I don't keep a lot of things, but I do keep letters. Both letters that I've written to other people and those that I receive. It is always interesting to go back and read them from years ago to get a bearing on where I was within myself at the time. Some of them were kind of horrifying for a multitude of reasons. I don't always like the me from the past. Some of the letters were consistent with who I still am today, which is good and validating, but also partially frustrating. Sometimes I want to believe that my issues haven't been around for as long as they have. Knowing that they have, makes it seem like more of an obstacle.

I did find one of the nicest things in that box. I found a poem that was written about me. I'd forgotten that the poem had ever been written and it made me tear up a bit. I thought I would share it.

Dark Hair

Her hair is dark... very dark
Sometimes dyed darker
Soft strands of her hair orbit the sky
Wrapping her chickens in smiles
While her hair sings a lullaby
Lighter than a white gelding
Galloping across a desert stadium
Towards a wire tree who sits still
And listens to her hair
One million strands of thought
Each a question of succession
A braid of DNA
An answer dividing into two
Both a storm and a calm sea
Her hair is the warmest sun
To warp a friend in
The simplest concern or care
Her hair is a knot tied tight
To hold the world
And swing a child
Her hair is short or long
The motion of a ballerina
Dancing to the giggles
Lying within her hair
Perpetuating and pulling
Up laughs like carrots
Orange and smiling broad

I also found some of the nicest cards and letters from people who love me or are really good at faking it. I found my mom's 12 days of Christmas poems. She once bought me maxi pads and wrapped them up with a clever poem describing what they were. I had NO idea, but laughed and laughed when I opened the present and realized what she was trying to convey.

Most of my card/letter reading experience has been nice and affirming, but tonight, I learned for the first time why waterproof mascara was really invented. I was crying over how nice people have been to me and when I looked in the mirror... OH MY! I almost blogged solely about my mascara. If my camera had not been out of batteries, I would have taken a picture of my face. It was amazing! At least now I know NOT to wear that mascara to a funeral.

Oh... I also got a chance to rake my many, many leaves today. I had been longing to take part in that fall ritual that so many other people take for granted. Guess what? I get it now. I was sick of raking after my second pile.

*** Disclaimer: Stanford, I really JUST found that poem tonight in my box and then I went to your poetry blog and saw that you recently posted it. SO weird!

*** Disclaimer #2: I hope that poem was really about me. I'd feel like a jackass if it was about somebody else and I was claiming it as myself. It wouldn't be the first time. ;)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

What Fall Brings In

I mowed my lawn today and was planning on raking up leaves too. I've never lived anywhere where I had a tree that shed so many leaves that it required raking. The trees at my parents house would just shed their leaves on the dirt ground and they eventually became part of the new cycle of spring. I watch movies where the neighborhoods are lined with big trees and the fall leaves drop and fill the streets with vibrant colors of orange, brown and yellow. It looks so serene. Today was my day to fulfill my Fall leaf fantasy and I ruined it, because instead of raking the leaves into big piles, I mowed first and the law mower ate them all. I did find a tiny bit of satisfaction when I dumped the clippings in the garbage and saw all the pretty colors. I pretended that I had raked them myself. It was ALMOST the same thing. The good part is that there are PLENTY more leaves to come and I'll have my chance again, probably by tomorrow afternoon.

When Fall hits, all the little creatures start to act funny. They all know winter is coming and so you find desperate bugs who have made their way into your house in an attempt to stay in a warm environment. Today, I walked in from mowing and saw the scariest bug I'd ever seen on my wall trim. I'd never seen one like it before, but a few days ago, I read about it on Kirsten's Blog. It was a millipede, but one with LONG, spider legs. I didn't kill it, because I don't kill any bugs, but when I captured it for release, I walked a lot further than I usually do to let it go. Ewwwwww!!!!!!

I don't know if the change in weather is doing me in, but I have felt like a zombie all week and I can't get enough sleep. I'm not sleeping well at night and only seem to be able to really rest during the day. I have a lot of work to catch up on and meant to go in to the office today, but it's after 7 already and I can't bring myself to go. I used to have a lot more drive than I do now and I don't know what took it away, other than me realizing that I'm not getting enough rewards from my job to make the sacrifice worthwhile. Huuuuuuummmmmmmm ..... Will I or won't I?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Little Menders

I am in an odd mood tonight. I feel like I'm all warm in my bed, but there is a worrisome storm outside. I have a lot going well in my life, but the climate outside seems a little rough. People I know are struggling and going through loss and the world is in a panic about how far reaching the impact of the plummeting US (now world) economy will be. There is a lot of uncertainty in the air. I have yet to feel an impact and I don't know if I can really grasp what that would be, if I do.

I spent the night at Michelle's house and she made carbonara for dinner and was gracious about waiting for me to show up, because I'm always late. I don't know why she doesn't slap me or tell me that she fed my dinner to Todd. Instead she is sweet and patient.

After dinner, I played with Lucy and Violet. We played witch and princess, which basically consisted of me pretending to be either a witch or a princess and Violet and Lucy being the opposite of whatever I was. In their role as the witch, they took me to their dungeon (Lucy's bedroom) and piled on top of me, which just made me giggle. It seems my laugh was infectious and so they just kept giggling and smothering me with hugs. At one point, I pretended to be a sleeping princess, who was under a spell. I was fake snoring with my eyes closed and all of a sudden, I felt these tiny lips on mine. Violet was waking me from my spell with a kiss. I woke up in a hurry, bursting into laughter. It was so damn cute!

I think little girls are the sweetest thing in the world. I was not an affectionate kid. I was really shy and really reserved. I would showcase my dancing "talent", but ONLY when I was really brave and for close family. I love how open and affectionate Lucy and Violet are. They are good menders, because they are so genuine and you know that what they are giving you is real. They don't even have to know you are sad to do it and when they walk away, they don't know how or what they did. I might have to thank them when they are older.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Spots on My Silverware

Tonight, I put away, in my CLEAN drawer, silverware that I washed in the ... dishwasher. That might sound like a mundane task, but it's something that hasn't yet happened for me in this house, with this set of silverware.

I have issues with spots on my silverware. I hate spots. I HATE dirty silverware drawers and I though other aspects of my house can at times be really neglected, my silverware drawer is not. Because I have such an obsession to keep it so pristine, I usually let my silverware stay dirty for a long time, because I despise cleaning it by hand and then DRYING it by hand so that they remain spot free. In my mind, my silverware can stay dirty, but by damn... it's not allowed in the clean drawer until it has gone through my ten point system of cleaning.

I think something shifted in my brain tonight. I was in a hurry last night to get my dishes done, because my mom was coming over and I just pre-washed everything (I load dishes into the dishwasher that most people would consider clean) and hit "wash". I let everything dry overnight, because I hate the heated dry on my glasses as it causes baked on spots and tonight, I opened up the dishwasher and I started putting things away. I saw spots on my silverware and I talked myself into being ok with it. Other people have spots on their silverware and they don't even notice. (I'm sorry, but I totally notice spotted glasses and silverware at other people's houses. I only judge them for it a little.)

I really wanted to take out all the silverware and rinse and dry it again, but I held steady and fought the urge. I even loaded NEW dirty silverware into my dishwasher tonight after cooking. I actually COOKED. I'm kind of amazed with myself and wonder what has happened to me. Could it be that I'm sick of living in filth? Could it be that I've de-cluttered and so I feel more free to keep things clean? Could it be that I'm just not as crazy as I used to be? I think that might be it. I like me better this way. If you happen to come by and eat at my house, please make sure you compliment my spotted silverware.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I Found My Twin

I met someone who I think is more like me than anyone else I know.  She isn't someone who is easy to get to know, but the more I talk to her, the more I realize how oddly similar we are.  What makes us so similar is our operating system.  We look nothing alike and we have different backgrounds, but we have similar temperaments, similar health issues and similar ways in which we approach issues even if we come to different conclusions, etc..  Our brains operate in similar ways and I think if we were to be studied, our brains and biochemistry would come out a lot the same.

It was interesting talking to her today, because she was able to validate a part of me that I often consider a weakness in myself.  We were talking about our psychological make ups and how a broken trust during a key moment in your development can create a particular type of emotional and psychological detachment that heavily influences you to be who you are.  In both of our cases, though I know nothing about her life or her experiences, we have ended up fairly aggressive and independent people.  Though that can rear its ugly head in close, personal relationships, it is also an asset when it comes to taking care of yourself.  It makes you hyper-vigilant and keenly aware of your surroundings. This comes in handy when you have the need to protect yourself or it can give you an edge by ensuring that you gather information first, which puts you in a desirable position both to succeed and to avoid pitfalls.  I've always been that person who can overhear two words that someone is saying and then be able to put the pieces together to know what is going on.  I get a sort of high when I get pulled into a conversation about something I really know nothing about and I can sort though random details and form an understanding based upon an outline I've created, enough so that I can participate and SOUND like I know what's going on.  My brain was forced at an early age to listen to HOW something was said and to pick out key words so that I could keep myself informed about when or how I would need to protect myself.  It can bite me in the ass when I make false assumptions and overreact to something that isn't real, but it's also nice when I'm so many steps ahead of something that I need to be.  I think there is a happy balance there and I'm trying to play down one side without killing the other.

At any rate, this was one of those long and overly analytical posts that will probably bore, but I get so excited thinking about how people work and it was fun to talk to someone who works a lot like me.  I would love to be involved in studying people and how their minds operate and their biological make up to find out exactly what makes them the way they are.