I love drugs. Not all drugs, just the ones that rein you in when your mind spins in ten thousand directions and every thought you have sends a waive of seizing throughout your body. This is the general setup for most of my sleepless nights. I feel anxiety at specific intervals throughout most days, but I can deal with that. It's when I lay down to sleep and my legs twitch and my mind starts obsessing as if it's on auto pilot. I can't take it!
The last few weeks, my normal routine has been shot to hell. Routine is what helps keep me sane. I had a visitor, which was nice. I love my friend Cathy, but we end up talking until way too late and that cuts into my mandatory 2 hour decompression time. I require a few hours to just be alone each night. I feel like it's my time to get out all the too much "whatever" from my day. Whether that be too much good or bad. Too much is too much and I'm easily overwhelmed. If I'm not in bed by 10:30 and at least attempting to sleep by that time, I won't see slumber until at least 1:00 - 2:00 AM. It can be much, much later if I have something on my mind.
The night before last I wasn't able to sleep until 7:00 AM. It's a long story, which I won't share, but needless to say, I was upset and I only got 3 hours of sleep yesterday. Saturday was groggy and I went with my mom to Park City to pick up our special cat food. Mom drove up, because I was afraid I'd kill us, but after enduring her driving, I felt it was a safer bet to let me drive as sleepy as I was. The feeling of lack of sleep brought back memories of mom, dad, Justin and I driving to and from West Virginia to pick up my horses and move me back to Utah. We did it in 4 days. We drove straight through to WV in 40 hours, with NO breaks other than a quick meal and a pee stop here and there. I've never felt fatigue like that in my life and it took a week to recover from. Even though you are so tired, it becomes so much more difficult to finally get to sleep. We all ended up getting sick when we got home. Anyway, this feeling of fatigue felt similar though not quite as extreme.
Last night, I decided I would test out one of our special pills from an unnamed country for two reasons. I really needed to sleep and I also needed to find out how much it would affect me as I'll be taking it when I fly out to Reno this week. It's an anti anxiety med that I've taken before at a significantly higher dose when I had to face my first gyno appointment. I had no idea how strong it would be and ended up unable to even undress myself. It's embarrassing looking back, but I didn't care much, because I felt SOOOOOO good. It turns out that cutting the pill in half gives you much of the same benefit while still allowing you to walk upright. I still had the racing mind, but.. I didn't get the rush of anxiety that usually accompanies it. I was able to steer my racing thoughts from one subject to another. Normally, they stay on ONE subject and it's like this uncontrollable, obsessive idea that plays over and over like a broken record. I'm thinking I should take this pill EVERY day. Who knows.. I may now be able to take over the world.